Three Ways to Cope with Difficult Relatives During the Holidays

Ah yes, can you hear the music now? "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....Jack Frost nipping at your nose...Yuletide Carols being sung by a choir.....And your folks trading drunken verbal blows......" Ok, ok...maybe that's a little much, but the fact is that many of us can relate to the dysfunctional family holiday scenario. With divorce at an all-time high, most of us will spend the holidays with stepparents and stepsiblings. Many of us will also have to spend time with nosy in-laws, moody grandparents, depressed cousins, alcoholic uncles, and the list could go on. While many of us would like to avoid the entire lot of our diffcult relatives this holiday season, that's probably an impossiblity. So, the question is, "How exactly DO we survive the holidays without losing our minds?" Believe it or not, it is possible to get through the season with success! Here are five ways that you can deal with your difficult relatives and come out sane on the other side.

1) Change what you can, and do not fret about what you can't change

Too many times the cause of our stress derives from our need to change people. We find it impossible to accept the fact that Uncle Art will drink a little too much wine, or that your sister's kids will gripe about how "gross" your broccoli casserole is. Instead, we come to the table every Thanksgiving with high-hopes and the belief that "this year it will be different." Then, Uncle Art downs his first glass of wine within five minutes only to pour another, and your sister's kids roll their eyes as the broccoli casserole is placed on the table. Your high hopes have been dashed, your blood pressure is rising and the stress is in full force. This year, don't set yourself up for failure. Accept the fact that you cannot control other peoples' actions, but you can control how you react to them.

Instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that Uncle Art has gone to AA, or that the kids' have broadened their tastebud horizons, arrive with no expectations. If you can have a heart-to-heart with Uncle Art and tell him how your drinking affects you, or ask your Aunt to hide the wine, then do it. If you can talk to your sister and tactfully tell her how the kids' comments hurt your feelings, then do it. If nothing comes of it, then accept what you cannot change. When Uncle Art starts on his third glass of wine and begins to rant, excuse yourself to "prepare the whipped cream" for dessert, or tell everyone you need to call your favorite Aunt Joan to wish her a "Happy Thanksgiving." Perhaps you can ask your significant other to buffer you from your Uncle's behavior by telling you a funny joke, squeezing your hand or simply reminding you to breathe. When the kids' start to turn their nose up at your casserole, remind yourself of what a stellar cook your friends think you are. Don't come to any event with unrealistic expectations. Remind yourself that life isn't a Christmas carol. Life is imperfect, people are imperfect and that's ......perfectly normal.

2) Stay close to the "normal" family member

In every family, there is usually at least one family member who is tolerable. There is often one family member who you can actually hold an intelligent conversation with...someone you feel pretty good being around. My advice: Hang around with this family member.....often. That one, normal person may be your 80 year old grandmother, or maybe its your 12 year old niece, but whoever it is, spend lots of time with them. Finds ways to spend time with that person whether its taking a post-meal walk around the neighborhood, or playing a game (or two or three) of checkers. Spending time with the "normal" person will remind you that your family isn't completely nuts. It will remind you that there are some redeeming qualities in your family, and that there's a chance that this will be passed down through the gene pool at some point. If you have absolutely NO "normal" family members, then invite a "normal" person to attend an occasion with you. Perhaps that normal person is a friend, a single from church, or a co-worker who's alone for the holidays. Or, if you love a challenge, revel in the fact that you're the only normal person in your family, and try to find ways to pass some normalcy on to others. How? Teach your brooding teenage niece how to throw a football, offer to play a piano duet with your cranky father-in-law, etc. No matter what you do, just remember that even our most difficult of relatives have their "normal" moments, so look and listen for them...then, enjoy them.

3) Give yourself an important job

Maybe it's too daunting a task to even imagine dealing with the craziness of your relatives this holiday season. Perhaps the first thing you feel like doing when you walk into a family gathering is head for the back door. If that's the case, then "remove" yourself from the situation by giving yourself an important job. For example, decide that this year you will be the official family photographer. Bring your camera to the next holiday gathering and tell everyone you have decided to start a special photo album. Go around catching your family members in unposed, unexpected situations. Maybe you'll take a picture of your sister burning the pumpkin pie, or your brother-in-law snoozing on the couch while drool hangs from his mouth. By making yourself the official photographer, you'll release yourself from having to get involved in wierd family conversations or listening to your cousin's annual rant about her crummy marriage. Nope! All you have to do is commandeer the camera, and anytime someone wants to rope you into an unwanted conversation or awkward situation, you can simply remind them that you have a job to do - take pictures! If you're not much of a photographer, then give yourself another important job like tending to the turkey, making fancy swans with the table napkins, running to the store for last minute food items, or be the bartender and invent new drinks. Do whatever it is you have to do to keep busy, while still continuing to interact with family.

The reality is, there are no tricks that can make an unbearable family suddenly bearable. The change must come from within. It must come from you. A big part of dealing with difficult people or situations is learning that you are not in control. You simply have to accept the fact that you don't have the ability to change people, they must change themselves. The one person you can change is yourself. You can change how you react to things, how you view things and how you ultimately deal with things.

So, remember to accept what you cannot change, keep company with the normal people in your family and keep yourself busy with a fun task. While none of these three suggestions are foolproof (because all families are different), perhaps they will help you to invent your own coping skills. No, drinking a bottle of Jim Beam doesn't count....the point is NOT to self-destruct. After it is all said and done, your family is your family, warts and all. Pat yourself on the back for having the patience and maturity to deal with people who are not, and know that this too shall pass. The saying is, "That which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger", but in order for it to make us stronger we must learn from it. Allow the burden of dealing with difficult relatives this holiday season spur you on to be a better person, a stronger person, a wiser person.