Three Words that Can Transform Your Relationship

In an age of uber-independence it may seem counter intuitive to profess your neediness for another person but healthy relationships are not built on two independent people simply sharing space with one another. The key to loving, emotionally close relationships is a spirit of interdependence and willingness to be vulnerable.

Interdependence is not the same as needy.
I'm sure your first reaction was, "I'm not needy," or "I don't want him to think I'm needy." But what I am suggesting is not about being helpless or clingy. Being needy suggests that you are desperate for the other person to take care of you and without something to give in return. That's not the basis for a strong relationship, rather it sets up a significant power imbalance and can lead to one person feeling valued only for what they can give or do, rather than the emotional support and connection that can be created together. Needing someone loving in your life is not a desperate plea for financial support or to be rescued emotionally from a bad situation. It is a natural part of the human experience, one that begins when we are infants and continues for the rest of our lives. However, unlike our need for our parents as children, adults need to build relationships in which the give and take of support and compassion is reciprocal.

Develop your independence.
When we consider that being interdependent with our significant other means mutual love and support, it makes sense that being independent is the first step. To develop interdependence in your relationship, you must first be your own person and value your ability to care for yourself. The goal is to be able to give and receive support, love, and encouragement from one another. This can only be accomplished by developing your own sense of self-worth and interests, independent of your partner. Even in relationships where one person may carry the bulk of the financial responsibility or one of you acts as the primary caregiver for your kids or home, it is still important to know that you are capable of doing these things on your own. By recognizing and continually strengthening your individual abilities you ensure that your need for one another is based on an emotional connection rather than external obligations.

Be brave and say the words.
Just as much as we need to be self-sufficient and capable of meeting our own basic needs, we need to be loved and have reliable social support. Unfortunately one of the biggest obstacles to emotional closeness is our own unwillingness to ask for it. It can be scary to wear your heart on your sleeve yet the only way to find someone who will truly care for it is to make it available. Trust in the human desire for connection and tell your partner just how much you need them. This should not translate into, "I need you to take the dog to the vet," or "I need you to pay my car note." Instead, try saying "I had a really stressful day and I need to spend time with you," or "You are so funny, I need that kind of laughter in my life." Be clear that what you need most is to be a vital part of your partner's life and for them to want to be a part of yours. It is that kind of mutual connection that can take your relationship from good to amazing.