Through the Red-Seeing Anger in a Different Light

I love being a pastor's wife. I truly believe that my husband is doing what God called him to do. I love our church family more than I ever dreamed possible two years ago! God has blessed us beyond measure in so many ways. But being the pastor's wife, also has a disadvantage. Where most people have someone they can go to in confidence when their family is in crisis: namely their pastor; the pastor's wife often feels she has nowhere to turn. She certainly can't tell her pastor that she's angry at her husband!

One of my greatest weaknesses is my control over my anger. I know it. I admit it. I asked forgiveness from God and my family quite often. This last week, I've run the gamut of emotion. Hurt, frustration, fear, helplessness and yes, a lot of anger. Some would say that these were a lack of faith. To some degree, they might be correct. I allowed myself to react to the emotional turmoil that Satan threw in my face.

Last Sunday, when I found myself needing someone I could talk to in confidence, I turned to a friend. Someone that, in the past, I have looked up to for her Godly wisdom. And Satan struck me down because he knew my greatest weaknesses: lack of confidence and anger. Her words, spoken in haste and (I know now) without thinking, cut me to the quick. "You failed as a parent. You're the pastor's wife. Your kids should be the example, not the norm". Overwhelmed, I immediately lashed out and told her that yes, my children were pastor's kids, but they were also just sinners...saved by God's grace. I hung up before I could say more, and my anger immediately took over. I ranted and fumed and cried...and even had thoughts of pulling her eyeballs out through her toenails.

Yesterday I told her what those thoughts were: right after I apologized to her for hanging up on her. My apology followed the one she tearfully left for me on my voice mail, after I ignored her telephone call. When both of us had stumbled over the "I'm sorry's", we talked and cried together, she paused and asked: "Just how does one pull eyeballs out through toenails?" This made me laugh, and a 20 year friendship was saved.

As I struggled this week, I continuously turned to God's Word. I was looking for peace and comfort, so as in times past, I immediately went to the Psalms. Instead of soothing promises though, I kept finding passages like Psalm 73 where David is angry that the wicked seem to be thriving while the righteous go through trial after trial. I also opened to Psalm 88 and found verses 13-14 "But I cry to you for Help, O Lord in the morning, my prayer comes before you. Why O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?" What was all this about? I'm looking for help and I get David's anger, and God's rejection?

After my telephone conversation yesterday, I got an e-mail from another friend that I hadn't spoken to in months. Her words were simple. "I just came across some verses that I feel in my heart you need today." As I read from the Old Testament, I received the promises from a merciful God that I'd been looking for all week.

Isaiah 54:7-10 (New International Version)

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.