Tiger Woods' Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for 2010

As you probably know by now, I have built up quite a collection of celebrity friends and among them is none other than the greatest golfer of all time, Tiger Woods. In fact the other night, Tiger and I were sitting together at a bar in Vegas, shootin' the shit and downing cocktails served by an extremely attractive waitress he seemed to know quite well-I guess he must drink there pretty often. Anyway, Tiger and I chatted about the upcoming year and I asked him if he ever makes New Year's resolutions. That's when he reached into his pocket, pulled out a package of condoms and said, "Oops, wrong pocket." Then he reached into another pocket, removed a folded up sheet of paper and handed me his list of resolutions for 2010. Because I am such a trusted confidant, I have Tiger's permission to share those resolutions with you now. So here, presented exactly as he wrote them, are Tiger Woods' Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for 2010.

1. Spend more time away from home.

It'll help keep our wonderful marriage fresh and exciting. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

2. Try not to put my putter inside women other than my wife.

While away from home, I must always be attentive when in the company of other women. It's possible I could lose track of what I'm doing and end up putting my putter inside some of them.

3. Stay away from cocktail waitresses.

This is just good sense. I could have too much to drink, accidentally lose my balance, fall and end up with my putter stuck inside one of them.

4. If, for some reason, I should struggle with keeping resolution number two, I must never, ever send text messages to any woman I might be putting my putter inside of.

I've never been very good at that text messaging thing anyway.

5. If, for some reason, I should struggle with keeping resolution number two, I must never, ever leave voice mail for any woman I might be putting my putter inside of.

I just hate the way my voice sounds on those recordings.

6. Try to remember that I am married to a smokin' hot Scandinavian chick with whom most any other man would love to lose track of what he's doing and end up putting his putter inside of.

I should be thankful every day for having a beautiful wife that other men would love to put their putters inside of.

7. Buy a new vehicle.

The old jalopy is getting kind of beat up. I wonder if that cash-for-clunkers thing is still going on...

8. Practice backing my new vehicle out of the driveway and navigating the street in front of my house without hitting fire hydrants and trees and crap like that.

Those damn things just seem to pop up out of nowhere sometimes.

9. Practice outrunning an irate woman wielding a golf club.

I know it sounds unlikely, but I believe in being prepared for any situation, no matter how absurd it may sound.

10. Clean my clubs.

Especially my putter.