Tigger's Advice Column: Humor for the Cat Lover

I was busy one day, writing an article, when my cat interrupted to investigate what I was doing. When he found out that I was writing (in hopes of profiting from it), he demanded equal time on the computer. So in all fairness, I agreed that he could do something. His idea was to write his own advice column for cats. We tried to come up with a catchy name, such as Dear Tabby, but we didn't want to get into any copyright squabbles. I suggested Dear Flabby (due to his overindulgence in Friskies Feline Favorites), but he seemed somewhat put off by the idea. So we just settled on using his real name, Tigger. Actually, he insisted, so that he will be sure to get all the credit, that and the fact that he loves seeing his name in print. So we gathered up some of his acquaintances and asked if they would like to have advice from a sage old feline. They put pen (and paw) to paper and here is what we came up with.......

Dear Tigger,
I get really upset when my owner leaves for a business trip or vacation. I am used to her working hours, but these trip things last longer and I get lonely. Could this be what they call "separation anxiety?" And, if so, what should I do?

Sincerely,
Lonely Boy

Dear Lonely Boy,
My suggestion to you is that the next time your owner leaves you for an extended period, think outside the box. And by that, I mean outside the litter box. A few well placed "presents" will let her know that you are upset and she will try to figure out a way to keep you happy while she is gone. She may get you your very own kitten to keep you company or maybe even an aquarium (just don't eat the fish, otherwise, you will still be lonely). I hear they also now have kitty (and doggy) videos, so if you are lucky you might get your own TV and video player. Just don't overdo the "accidents" or she might think you are sick and take you to the v-e-t, if you know what I mean.

Good luck,
Tigger

Dear Tigger,
Last week, my owner brought home some stuff called catnip. It smelled lovely and made me feel quite "high." I like it inside my toys and even sprinkled in my food, but I have heard that it can be addictive. Is catnip all right for every cat?

Regards,
Hep Cat

Dear Hep Cat,
While catnip can be quite addictive, it is perfectly harmless if used in moderation. Just be careful not to over indulge. You may wake up with a catnip hangover, only to find ridiculous photos of yourself in a party hat posted on the internet.

Buds always, (Get it? Buds? LOL)
Tigger

Dear Tigger,
My owner has recently gotten involved in a long term relationship. The guy is ok, but he takes up a lot of her time. I must say that I am used to being number one. Do you see trouble ahead for me?

Sincerely,
Jealous One

Dear Jealous One,
Don't worry. These things are quite exclusive at first and it will seem that you have been put on a back burner. But give it time. Even if they are right for each other and it turns into a real commitment, just keep on being your adorable self. If he really loves her and wants to make her happy, he will love you, too. After all, you were there first. You will know things are going well when he says things like "Look at the cat. He just did the cutest thing." And besides, do the math...you already have her trained. When you get him trained too, your staff will be double what it was. Think twice the petting, twice the treat dispensing capability, twice the lap space, twice the "door butler duty"....etc. If you just look for it, there is a silver lining in every cloud.

Best wishes,
Tigger

Dear Tigger,
I am quite depressed. I went to a lot of trouble to get a gift for my owner. It wasn't easy catching that mouse and when I brought it to her, what do you think she did? Put it in the trash!! Was that any way to show her gratitude?

Signed,
Unappreciated in Carolina

Dear Unappreciated,
I know exactly what you mean. I had a similar experience with my owner. She used to have two other cats who were a good bit older than I. After they passed on, (may they rest in peace), she was very sad for quite a long time. I had the idea to cheer her up with presents. The first one was a bird. I brought it to her live, through my cat door, and jumped up on the bed before daylight one morning. I was going to yell "Surprise!!", but the &*%#@$ bird was screeching so loud, it woke her up first. She didn't know what it was, in the dark. Did you know that when a bird screams, it doesn't even sound like a bird? Anyway, she took it, then made me stay inside while she put it out. When I went out later to bring it back in, it was gone. A week or so later, I went and got a big, gigantic rat. We are not talking tiny house mouse here. I mean I went all out. This time, I didn't put it on the bed. I left it outside her bedroom door. I had to kill it, so it couldn't run away. Well, she saw it and at first she thought it was something else, (you know, like outside the litter box?). But then she realized, it was way too big, even for me, an 18 pounder. So she took a closer look and saw exactly what my proud catch was. After which she went outside and disposed of it where I couldn't find it, either. Just like the bird. Then I really went all out. The big surprise. I left it on the floor between her bedroom and the bathroom, still warm from the kill. She came out in the dark and stepped in something warm and squishy. She thought it was a big, fresh hairball puddle. But when she turned the light on, there was my best prize ever, a small rabbit. Well, that was it, she had to have a talk with me. She explained that she really appreciated my gifts and that she understood I was trying to cheer her up. She also said that people thing about it being the thought and not the gift that counts. Whatever that means. And she said that even though, the gifts were really nice, after a while they would stink if she kept them. Then she asked me to please not bring any more gifts into the house and said something about having to close up the cat door if I did. I really like my freedom, being the child of a feral cat and all, so I obliged and quit with the gifts. She loves me anyway and your owner will love you too, even without gifts. People!! Can't live with em, can't live without em!

Keep your chin up,
Tigger

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