Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd Cliff Notes Script

For those of you wanting to view Johnny Depp's portrayal of the revenge-driven barber in the DVD release of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, you may get your fix of this movie musical based on the Broadway musical based on the British tales. All my observations and comments are included at no extra charge.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street Cliff Notes Edition

(A dark London harbor)

Benjamin Barker: Hello, my name was once Benjamin Barker. After a turn of events leading from my exile from London to my return to London, I've changed my fashion sense to resemble Edward Scissorhands, my hair coloring to reflect Jay Leno, and my name to Sweeney Todd.

Mind you, this is a stupid name change since Sweeney Todd happens to be the name of a British fictional serial killer and title of a Broadway musical about said serial killer. If I really wanted to remain in secrecy while I extract my revenge against Judge Turpin and his Beadle, I should have gone with a less famous name like Bob Smith. At this rate, I might have been better off changing my name to OJ Simpson. At least with a name like that, I will be regarded by the public as a murderer, but at least I'd get away with it.

And to help complete my disguise, I will continue to speak in the accent of a drunken pirate character I played in a pirate movie trilogy. Never mind the fact that this accent is as convincing as a twenty-dollar bill with Hillary Clinton's face on it.

Now watch me as my attempts to return to a normal life with my wife and daughter after a 15-year absence becomes an exercise in futility.

(Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shop)

Sweeney Todd: Hello, there. Who might you two bouncy things be?

The Two Bouncing Things: We're Helena Bonham Carter's boobs, and together we're playing Mrs. Lovett, the proprietor of the worst pie shop in London. These pies are so awful they should belong in the menu of a McDonald's restaurant.

Sweeney: Haven't I seen that style of dress before, Mrs. Lovett?

Helena Bonham Carter: You'll find this corset from my last film, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." They cast me in "Sweeney Todd" so quickly I haven't had time to change.

Sweeney: Ah. Would you lead me back into my old apartment?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh my God! You're Benjamin Barker! And you're being played by Johnny Depp! My fangirl dreams are coming true! Please, take back your barber razors and allow me to hit on you with the subtlety of a steamroller being dropped on you.

(Judge Turpin's house)

Alan Rickman: I think you ought to know, I'm feeling very depressed. It was fun being Professor Snape with rabid fangirls flocking over me during the Harry Potter movies. Now I have to compete with Johnny Depp for fangirls. Never mind the fact that I'm cast as a creepy old man lusting after a 15 year old as I spy on her through a hole in the wall. To think, I could have a lot more sexual relief if I stuck something else of mine through that hole in the wall.

Johanna: I am a cute young girl looking for a cute young boy to steal me away for sex.

Anthony: I am a cute young boy looking for a young girl to steal away for sex.

Beggar Woman: Hey, cute boy. Look at that cute girl. She happens to be the former daughter of Benjamin Barker.

Anthony: I want to have sex with the cute young girl.

Beggar Woman: Or, you could have sex with me...

Tim Burton: Sorry, Beggar Woman. I'm cutting off your nymphomaniac side plot. I've already got enough old person lust for sex to deal with thanks to Judge Turpin.

Beggar Woman: Aw...

Judge Turpin: Now to have my Beadle beat the brains of this bastard (try saying that five times fast).

Beadle/Timothy Spall: Wow, There must have been a "hire two, get one free" sale when Tim Burton got THREE of us actors from the Harry Potter films to do "Sweeney Todd." I even get to keep my wand, which makes a handy "Beadle beat the brains of this bastard" stick.

Anthony: My bastard brains have been beaten. But I'm sure I'll still look young and cute before my next scene.

(The Market)

Sweeney: Who are we looking for?

Mrs. Lovett: We seek a strange foreign man. Mind you, this foreign man has an exaggerated accent.

Foreigner with exaggerated accent: Jagshemash, my name-a Adolfo Pirelli. In home country, I make and sell a cheap hair tonic for regrowth of hair on the head and pubics. Very nice.

Sweeney: Such an overdone impersonation of a foreign man from a foreign land must be punished financially. I hereby accuse this man of selling nothing more than a bottle of piss and ink!

Adolfo: Hey! How dare you say that my formula contains ink? I challenge you to a shaving duel.

(Shaving duel with Beadle as the judge)

Adolfo: Now I sing about my excellent shaving skills. For bonus, I shave your pubics at no extra charge.

Sweeney: When you're going to shave, shave. Don't sing. I win.

Adolfo: I lost. Now to beat the hell out of my boy servant.

Beadle: Excellent shave. Can I have one later?

Sweeney: OK! I'll give you a free shave. Mind you, I am making an overt death threat towards you.

Beadle: You had me at "free shave."

(Pie Shop)

Adolfo: Peek-a-boo, Sweeney! I blackmail you! And unlike you, Sweeney, I can be a damned good barber with a genuine British accent.

Sweeney: All right, time to use my razors in what will become a deluge of red prop blood paint.

Audience commentary: And now you know who killed Ali G and Borat.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh my God, you killed Adolfo! You bastard! And you left this kid behind. Can we keep him?

Sweeney: For the sake of my pan of covert revenge, it would be a strategic move to kill him. But you may keep the boy and work him to death. It's a good thing child labor laws aren't invented yet.

(Turpin's house)

Turpin: I want to marry Johanna. She wants to flee with Anthony. What can I do to change her mind?

Beadle: Why not a shave at Sweeney's? I'm sure it's just your stubble that disgusts her and not your creepy old age and creepy voyeuristic views of her room and your creepy stares at her 15-year old yet well developed cleavage.

Turpin: A shave? That seems like the easiest thing I can do to woo Johanna.

(Sweeney's Barber Shop)

Turpin: A shave, please.

Sweeney: Excellent. Revenge time! But first, a song showing our similar tastes in women and how we're not too different. As long as no one interrupts me, I can kill him AFTER the song.

Anthony: Hey, Sweeney! I need your help in stealing away Judge Turpin's ward... Hi, Judge Turpin!

Turpin: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Sweeney: Damn it. My revenge opportunity foiled. I need a lock for this shop door.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, revenge is no longer on the menu, but may I suggest a good substitute? It's a basic economic rule of supply and demand. I demand meat for my pies, you supply meat for my pies thanks to your homicidal tendencies. I'll then supply the market with my pies that the market demands, who in exchange will supply the money we both demand. How's that for a business plan and crash course in economics?

Sweeney: Let this be a lesson for everyone: When you need help in relieving your need for revenge, killing random people and baking them into pies is not only therapeutic, but profitable. And that is the lesson of "Sweeney Todd." The End.

Hollywood Legal Team: Um, we can't allow this ending. Villains and evil forces must meet their comeuppance in the end. You can thank conservative media for this.

(Act 2)

Toby the Child Worker: Mrs. Lovett makes the pies, the customers eat the pies, and we make lots of money. Sweeney shaves the men, but I'm not sure what happens then. Oh, well, we got money and I'm hot for Mrs. Lovett.

Mrs. Lovett: I'm hot for Sweeney. I'm going to woo him into settling down with me by the sea.

Sweeney: Watch as I react like all men who listen and go along half-heartedly with what their girlfriends/wives make them do.

Male audience: Like watching this movie.

Female audience: Shut up, Johnny Depp's still talking.

Anthony: Damn it, I lost Johanna.

Sweeney: Damn it, I lost my daughter.

Mrs. Lovett: What a shame. I guess Sweeney and I can start anew.

Sweeney: I guess...

Anthony: Wait! I found Johanna.

Sweeney: Wait! I found my motivation for revenge.

Mrs. Lovett: Damn it, I lost Sweeny and my fairytale ending.

(Pie Shop)

Beggar Woman: I smell dead people.

Toby: Mrs. Lovett, I love you and want you to have my babies.

Mrs. Lovett: How sweet.

Toby: At the very least, I want to kill for you.

Mrs. Lovett: Right... why don't we play a game of "Lock yourself in my meat grinding, pie baking, body disposal room?"

Toby: OK!

Sweeney: I have a brilliant and cunning plan to get back our Johanna, Anthony. And for this, we're going to rely on your brains.

Anthony: Then we're doomed. Nevertheless, I will rescue my girl.

Sweeney: And while you're out there, the Beadle and Judge Turpin will come here. Ah, hello, Beadle.

(Mrs. Lovett's Grindhouse)

Toby: Grind the meat, bake the pies, eat the pies, discover a finger, attempt to sue Wendy's only to realize that restaurant doesn't exist yet, and realize the true source of the meat.

Beadle: Augh! I'm dead. (splats onto the meat grinder)

Toby: Ew. I'm almost traumatized.

(Todd's Barber Shop)

Anthony: The plan worked. Luckily, the foreman was dumber than me.

Johanna: This disguise makes me look like a man, albeit a very effeminate man.

Anthony: Quick, hide in this trunk while I arrange our escape.

Johanna: This trunk smells like dead foreigner. Wouldn't it have been wiser to have arranged our escape to coincide with the asylum escape?

Anthony: Maybe, but this is more dramatic and follows the theme of Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will.

Beggar Woman: I still smell dead people.

Sweeney: And I still need to put a lock on this shop door. Oh, well. Slash time!

Beggar Woman: But, Benjamin... I am your... (dies)

Sweeney: Maybe revenge has blinded me. But never mind. Here comes the Judge.

Turpin: Where's Johanna?

Sweeney: I have her. But first, a shave.

Turpin: Despite being a horny old man who was earlier searching for my object of lust like there was no tomorrow, I will accept this shave like I have all the time in the world.

Sweeney: By the way, the name's Benjamin Barker. You exiled me, raped my wife, and tried to force yourself on my daughter. You die now.

Turpin: OK!

Sweeney: Revenge complete. Nothing else can go wrong:

Male disguised Johanna: Um... hi?

Sweeney: Despite my previous actions and being anal about leaving no witnesses, I will spare your life simply because Heaven forbid I make this a total Shakespearian tragedy and accidentally kill the daughter I don't recognize. That would make me a total prick and reduce my fangirl quotient. Now, run away and live happily after undergoing much therapy.

Johanna: OK!

(Mrs. Lovett's Grindhouse)

Sweeney: Why'd you scream?

Turpin: I'm not quite dead yet. Must cop one last cheap feel.

Mrs. Lovett: He's why.

Sweeney: Time to dispose of the evidence... WHA!?

Dead Beggar Woman: Don't I look cuter in daylight?

Sweeney: You mean Beggar Woman was my wife? Curse you, London and Tim Burton! If only this city and his lighting crew discovered natural light, this accidental death may have been avoided. Why, oh why were we forced to go through this movie in black and white, sepia, and other unnatural tones that made our faces look Goth and creepy? This is what made the first Batman movie suck.

Nevertheless, Mrs. Lovett lied to me. She must be punished.

Mrs. Lovett: No, Sweeney. I told you the truth about your wife. I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Sweeney: Actually, you didn't tell the whole truth. And the penalty for perjury is death by fire.

Mrs. Lovertt: Ow! Fire burns! (Burned to a crisp)

Sweeney: Well, life officially sucks. I suppose I should meet my poetic justice.

Toby: Is this my cue to kill you now in the same manner you killed others?

Sweeney: Please do.

Toby: OK! (Slits throat draining the remaining supply of red paint)

Toby: And chances are, I'll be leaving this place with absolutely no post-traumatic stress disorder. I was the sanest character in this movie.