Time and Unforeseen Occurrences Chapter Four

I am awaken by the sun beaming through the blinds. I look around and realize that I am not at home in my own bedroom. I now remember what happened to get me here. I actually tried to take my own life, I know I had thought about it before, but I actually tried to take my own life. A few minutes later a woman comes in and asks me what would I like for my meals today. It's a black Certified Nursing Assistant, she is smiling, I mean really smiling showing teeth and gums. I feel like she's trying to hard to be cheerful. The name on the tag is Linda Evans, the first thing that pops in my mind is the white woman with the big shoulder pads from Dynasty.

"Hi, Mrs. James, I am glad to see you are awake, are you hungry?"

"Yes a little," I answer but it felt as if I had not eaten in days.

"Well since this is your first you day, you can have your breakfast in here, but all other meals will have to be eaten in the dining room."

"Your husband came by last night and dropped you off some clothes, he did not want to wake you. He signed some paperwork, and he has brought you several pair of pants, and some blouses and a change of sleepwear and some undies."

I notice my shoes under the desk and the laces are missing, "where are my shoe laces?"

"You are not allowed to have any laces in your shoes, nor string in your pants or under wires in your bra."

"It sounds as if I am in jail."

"Well you haven't broken the law, so no you're not in jail, but you have to realize that you did try to take your own life, so there have to be precautions taken."

I look around the room and the tears are starting to form again. "Oh God what have I done?" I whisper.

"It's not as bad as you think it is Mrs. James, you will see some things in here that will surprise you, but like you, everyone on this floor has some kind of problems, some more worse than others. You are not alone." Linda Evans replied. Linda Evans starts smiling again, "Mr. James has been waiting 45 minutes now to see you this morning, he did not want to wake you. He wanted to know if you wanted to see him."

I stroke my hair with fingers, my stomach feels like it has a big tight fist right in the middle of it. "Yeah send him in."

"Well he can't stay long because you have a busy day ahead of you. You have to talk to the doctor and get processed in. You can eat your breakfast while he is here, I will be right back." Then Linda Evans leaves.

I walk over to the plastic mirror that's located over the sink, I can barely make out my reflection, I try to make myself presentable for my husband.

He walks in but he's empty handed. "Where are my things?" I ask him.

"The nurse took the bag from me and glanced through everything I brought. The two pair of jeans and jeans and tee shirts I brought they let you keep, but I'm taking the sweat pants back home because they have strings in them." He looks as if he's been up all night crying, but I know better his eyes have been permanently turned that way because of his drinking and drugs.

He looks down at the floor, "So how are you feeling Mo?"

I look up at Miles, my husband of ten years, and he looks bad, no longer the handsome man that I eloped away with defying my mother and my grandmother. His eyes no longer sparkled and his skin no longer had that beautiful brown shine. The love and desire he had for me was replaced by his new love....Jack Daniels, Mary Jane and cocaine, but I knew at this moment I was not the woman that he feel in love with either.

"I'm okay Miles, I'm just tired and little light headed. I am also very ashamed of what I attempted to do. So how are you doing, do you have to work today?" He looked down at the floor again and I knew what that meant, he had either quit or gotten fired.

"No, they said I took too long to stock my shelves and they complained I was never on time, which is a lie. I just don't they felt comfortable with a tall black man working the night shift. Do you think your mother would mind if I called the kids? When are they coming home? I can stay home and take care of them, while you are here."

I look at Miles, "Look I am not going to get into an argument with you, but you know that you can't take care of the boys, you can barely take care of yourself. The kids are better of with mother and Jacob. You can call the boys if you like, but I hope you know better than to call my mother collect." My arms start flying as I talk with my hands when I get excited, "don't you know what brought me here?"

He looks at me with tears in his eyes, "I know Monique what brought you here, it was me, you couldn't handle the pressure anymore. He then wipes the tears that have dripped down his face, I realize then I have to let him off the hood, even though he didn't really deserve it. I look up at Miles again, and ask him to sit on the bed, this way I could give him direct eye contact. We are both now sitting on the bed, one that's the size of my boys twin beds at home. I lay my hands in my lap and he puts his focus onto my hands. It's like I can read his thoughts and he is thinking about how unattractive my short bitten fingernails are, he is always getting on me about biting my nails. I could now feel a lump coming down in my throat, I tried to swallow it down, but it wouldn't move.

"Please don't cry, please don't cry," I was begging myself....too late. I look in his eyes, they are so sad, he looks so tired. "Miles you are not the reason why I am here, at least not the main reason. You see I am like a cake where all the ingredients need to be added."

He looks at me like what?"

"You know how a cake has to have eggs, water, shortening, vanilla, butter in the mix? Well you are just one of the ingredients in the mix, maybe the egg." I am laughing and crying at the same time.

"Yeah a rotten one," Miles reply. We both start laughing through the tears.

I take a deep breath. "What I am trying to say Mile is you're just one ingredient that got me here, not the whole mix, and now I have to figure out hopefully with he help of these people why my cake can't rise to the occasion when I need it to, why instead of me dealing with what's wrong in my life, instead I try to take my life. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to let no one make you feel like you're the reason why I'm here. If they do, they don't know what they are talking about."

I can tell the conversation is getting too intimate and is starting to make him feel uncomfortable because he rises to leave, typical Miles. I can also tell he's about to say something that I am not going to like because the expression on his face changes from sadness to embarrassment.

"Mo there was a few dollars in your purse, I." I didn't let him finish.

"I know you borrowed it."

"I have put in an application at Lowe's to stock, I'm sure they will call me. I barely hear what he is saying because I am thinking "a few dollars, I had over fifty bucks in my pocketbook."

I'm standing now and looking at Miles, "How are the kids going to communicate with you, you are never at home, even if mother did allow them to call you. Oh by the way how did you find out that I was in the hospital?"

"I will stay close to the apartment if your mother allows the boys to call and it was Quincy in her own sweet way let me know that you were here. Well Mo I am going to go now, I caught a ride over here because I couldn't find the keys to the car. Take care of yourself." He bends down and kisses me on my cheek.

I pretend that I don't hear the part about the keys, because knowing Quincy she got the keys to the car and that's where they are staying and I can just imagine what she must have said to him yesterday. "Yeah you take care too Miles, please try to get yourself together before you end up somewhere like this or even worse Miles. Miles you know you are killing yourself with these drugs and alcohol slowly don't you. Ironic isn't it, me still preaching about taking care of yourself and I just tried to end my own life?" We both smile, he then hugged me and I hugged back and he was gone.

Linda Evans peeks back in, "I am sorry here is your breakfast, I had to run an errand, where is your husband, is he gone already?"

"Yes."

Linda Evans is a woman who's chubby on the top, but medium size on the bottom. Her top is very heavy and I wonder what is her bra size. I bet she has to buy clothes based on her heavy top size and then has to alter the rest. It has to be hard to buy a two piece dress or pant suit. She wears her hair in curls that fall full around her face. Her smile is so large and her teeth are so white and her gums are pink, her smile looks healthy. She brings positive energy to the room.

"So how did the visit go, did he upset you?"

"No more than usual." I look up at Linda Evans and ask her, "Do you enjoy working here on the fifth floor, with all us crazy people?"

Linda Evans smile sand answers ash she places my meal on the table. "Yes I love my job, it is very interesting. Sometimes it can get hectic and some of the patients can get out of hand, but I love it. Now I need to give you the rundown on this place. Well as I said before Monique this will be your first and last meal in your room. you will eat with other patients from now on. our day will start seven o'clock in the morning, this morning be an exception, that is why it began at eight. Three times a day you will meet with other people that are assigned to your group and you will have talk sessions where you will discuss your problems. If you participate and answer questions when asked this is sign to everyone that you are making progress. You will be assigned chores and you must read the board daily located in the hallway to see your assignment. From this moment on you will not be known as Monique, you will be assigned a number. Anyone who wants to contact you will have to ask for you by that number. This is done for your privacy and protection. You are responsible for keeping your room clean and the bed made up, you can change sheets in the laundry room and you can keep your clothes laundered there also. During the day you have to wear street clothes and at night pajamas with a robe. You will have three meals a day and snacks twice a day."

Linda Evans then hands me a folder. "In this folder you will find some information on depression, steps to building self esteem, symptoms of stress, your rights as a patient while you are here in the hospital, positive affirmations, paper to help you keep a journal if you choose to do so, and the conduct we are expecting from you while you are here as a patient. Also FYI you are not crazy, nor all of the patients here. Just like you they have a hard time dealing with their problems, some turn have chemical imbalances, some turn to drugs or alcohol to deal with their problems and some like you try to take their life. I admit there are some who really do need to be here, but you will be able to distinguish between the two, trust me. After you finish your meal, you are to take your tray to the big silver container sitting in the middle of the hall and slide the tray on one of the shelves. You need to then report to the administrative office located in the middle of the hall with all the windows and that is where you will meet your doctor. Well I have to go now, my shift is almost over, but I will be back tonight and enjoy your meal."

I look at the food that is on the tray and I let all the information that was just given to me sink in my brain. On the tray before me is a small box of cornflakes in a bowl, a slice of toast, a bowl of fruit in a little plastic container, a carton of milk and a plastic container of orange juice. I inhale all the food on the tray. I am alone in my room with my thoughts and that's something I don't like right now, I don't want to think about anything. Not yet am I ready to think about the repercussions from my actions, as far as how my children and mother are handling this. But I know that sooner or later I have to make that phone call to her and let her know what's going on. I start rambling through the drawers that are attached to the desk. It appears not only to be a desk but a place where I can put my underwear and personals. I came to this conclusion after finding a little hygiene kit in one of the drawers. There is a toothbrush in clear cellophane, a small tube of toothpaste, a small bar of soap, a wash cloth, a face towel and body towel of course all in white. There is also a pair of ugly green foo-ties with white grip on the bottom with the name of the hospital stamped on them.

I go to the bathroom where I find another plastic mirror and a shower with a plastic shower curtain, a plastic shower rod and plastic shower rings. They make sure that there's no way I can harm myself in here. I take a wash up and brush my teeth. I slip on the ugly foo-ties and hospital robe and I leave my room and head toward the administrative office so that I can process in. I try not to look around and stare at the other people that are here, for right now I want to concentrate on keeping my head together.

The nurse behind the glass window looks up at me, "Can I help you?"

"Yes I am Monique James and I was told to come up process in and I could get my clothes, talk to the doctor."

She shuffles through some folders until she comes to my name. She instructs me to go to the door that is divided into two halves, in which the top half is open and the bottom half is locked, she unlocks the bottom half and lets me in the office.

I walk in the main office and I am led to another adjoining office where there is a big fat bald headed man sitting at a table and beside him is Nurse Carol Lewis. The nurse who escorted me in here, hands the doctor the papers she had. The doctor stands up and shakes my hand and introduces himself as Daniel Kredich. Hen then points to Carol and says of course you know my assistant Carol Lewis. He explains that she is a resident studying to become a psychologist. He said they were trying something new in the hospital where the patients that were brought to the emergency room that tried to commit suicide.

I started thinking to myself I knew she was more than a nurse, I knew it. There was something about her, I can't explain it but I knew she was more than a nurse!

"Nice to see you Monique," Carol Lewis replies.

"It's good to see you again," I replied glad to see another familiar face.

The doctor then explains that they had started sending residents downstairs to determine which patients needed to stay overnight and which patients could go home and talk to the psychologist the next day.

"Lucky me to have been a candidate to stay," I think to myself.

Dr. Kredich then explained that Carol was going to ask me some questions and that some would seem stupid and some would seem redundant, but that they were all necessary. Some of the questions did seem stupid. She asked me my name, she told me to spell my name, she asked me what day of the week it was, what was today's date, who was the president of the United States, I was told to spell my last name backwards. She wanted to know if I knew where I was at, was I hearing voices, and if I wanted to hurt myself at this moment. I was asked a lot to read paragraphs, followed lines on paper, but everything that was asked of me I did.

It was then the doctor turned to question me.

"Monique what brought you here?"

I looked down at the table and said, "I tried to kill myself with sleeping pills and alcohol."

"Do you think you're depressed Monique?"

I shrugged my shoulders and responded, "I guess I could be, I don't know." He wrote it down.

"How long do you think you have been depressed, or feeling bad about yourself?"

"I don't know, for a long time." He is still writing, by this time the waterworks are back and Carol is handing me tissue.

"How is your marriage?"

"Not too well, my husband is on drugs pretty bad and also drinks a lot, and he doesn't keep a job too well, so our finances are a nightmare and we are behind on everything." I could not believe how I was voluntarily confessing my whole marriage to a stranger.

"Do you have any kids?"

"Yes, two boys," I found myself smiling with that answer.

"I can see you boys bring you happiness?"

"Yeah they do but they don't have a good relationship with their father, and we argue a lot in front of them. Jonathan seems to be bothered about everything the most." He loves to write and express his thoughts that way.

"Do you think you were depressed before you were married?"

"Yeah it is a possibility?

"How is your relationship with your mother?"

I shrugged my shoulders once again, " not that good, we really don't have a relationship, she is my mother."

I look down at the table and start thinking, "I don't want to talk about this not now, I don't want to think about my childhood." The tears are coming hard. My mom and I really didn't have a relationship and I didn't know my father, and my mother really didn't want me around."

My nose is running like crazy and getting mixed up with the tears, I'm using the tissue, the back of my hand, the sleeve of the robe, trying to wipe up tears and snot. I apologize for the outburst. He is still writing and the pen is spreading ink and words all over the paper. After he is finished he slips the paper into his shirt pocket.

"Monique I have to let you know that you are depressed, very depressed. You will see that there are some people here that are very mentally unstable and that will help you to realize that you are not one of them. The depression you have could come from a number of things, your childhood, your present situation. While you are here I am going to start you on an anti-depressant to help you balance out your emotions. you won't feel the effects of this medicine because it takes about a month for it to get into your system. I am going to keep you here for at least thirty days so you can talk with Carol and other patients while in therapy."

"Thirty days," I yelled, "I can't be away from my children that long!"

"You would have been away from them longer than that if you had succeeded in taking your life."

Check mate, I could not argue with that.

He told me that I was free to leave. I looked at him and thanked him. I looked over at Carol and thanked her also. I was still wiping my eyes and sniffing when I walked up the front office and glanced at the clock, it was almost 10:00, and I requested my clothes from the woman standing behind the big window. The woman took me across the hall to a room full of cabinets, all with little locks on them. She found my name and unlocked the cabinet and gave me my toothbrush, my hair brush and comb, two bras with three pair of panties. I received two pair of jeans, two tee shirts, three pair of socks. I went back to my room and took a shower, which was unpleasant because the water was cold, the plastic shower rod kept bending in the middle which kept making the shower curtain fall.

After my shower I got dressed and sat on the bed. I remembered that I hadn't gotten my number yet, and I still had to make that phone call to mother and another to Quincy. I walked back to the administration office and asked for my number, she explained that it was in the folder that Linda Evans had given me and that it was also on the board in the hall, so instead of walking all the way back to my room, I decided to look on the board. I was number 2694. Now it was time to do what I was dreading the most....call my mother. I walked over to the phone located on the other end of the hall, near the television room. Thankfully no one at the time was on the phone. The sign above the phone read calls from 8 a.m. - 10:00 p.m. no exceptions.

I dialed the number and the phone began to ring. On the other end of the line a male voice came on.

"Hi Jacob, how are you?"

"Fine Monique, and you?"

"I'm okay, where are the boys?"

"Upstairs making the beds and straightening up a little."

"Where is SHE at?"

Jacob laughs, "Are you referring to your mother, she is in the bedroom also doing a little straightening up."

"What kind of mood is she in?"

"She's fine considering."

I inhale a deep breath, "Let me talk to her."

"Alright, hold on."

"Zee" I hear him call "telephone."

"Who is it?" I hear her ask.

"It's Monique."

"She'll be here in a second, Mo." Jacob says.

"All right, thanks Jacob." I wasn't just thanking him for getting my mother to the phone but for not asking any questions. I know Mother has told him, she tells him everything, it's always been that way even before they got married. Seems like he's been around forever, but I'm not complaining because he has been there for me a lot too. It seems like ten minutes passes before mother comes on.

"Hello."

"Mother are you there?"

"Yes I am Monique, how are you feeling this morning, I am sure better than last night."

"Better, how are the boys?"

"Funny that you're thinking about the boys now, because apparently you weren't thinking about them when you tried to take your life yesterday. Suppose they had been the ones to find you Monique?"

"Mother please don't start, I made a mistake. Could you please just answer the question about the boys?"

"They are fine, I didn't tell them anything except that you weren't feeling well."

I let out a deep sigh. "Thanks mother, is it all right if they stay about a month with you, I am going to be here for at least thirty days."

"Yes they can stay, but let's make no mistake I am doing this for the boys and not you. I can not believe you pulled this Monique." She then waits for a few seconds and clears her throat as if something was in it. "Is there anything you need Monique?"

"No mother you taking care of my boys is more than enough, thank you mother. If you need to call and ask me anything my number is 804-555-6782. You can't ask for me by my name, you will have to ask for 2694.

"Do you need any clothes?"

"No Miles came by this morning and he brought me everything I needed. He said Quincy told him in her own way that I was in the hospital, I can imagine what they way was."

"Good I can imagine too, knowing Quincy." Surprisingly we both had laugh with that, something few and rare between us. The phone went quiet, we had ran out of conversation.

"I would love to call the boys tonight about 8:00. Just tell them that I am not feeling well and I can't have any visitors, which is sort of true because anyone under thirteen is not allowed."

"I know what to say Monique."

"Okay mother, but if the phone is busy please keep trying until you get through, because there are a lot of people besides me who use the same phone that I do."

"Yeah a lot of crazy people."

"I have to go now Mother, people are waiting in line to use the phone." I hang up and do not retort with something mean.

"Monique try to take care of yourself, you are the only parent that your kids I thought could count on, don't let them down."

"Yeah like you let me down," I think to myself. "I hear you mother, kiss the boys for me."

"All right Monique, good bye."

I wanted to tell her that I loved her so bad, but it's been a long time since either one of us has said that to each other.

Someone announces that's time for us to have therapy, well I am going to make the best of this, I will call Quincy later.