Time and Unforeseen Occurrences Chapter Seven

I cannot believe that my mother has kept Quincy's twins. I am trying to think of a time when she was this generous to me, and then I remembered she is this generous when she does things for my boys. But why couldn't she have spent more time with me? I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I wanted my "mommy." I know I need to suck it up and forget about the past but I am trying to make sense of why I am here, what feelings brought me to think that the only answer to my problems was to conclude my life.

I've been here two weeks and the only thing that stays on my mind is the conversation I had with Quincy and the excitement in her voice when she was talking about seeing a side of mother that was soft.

My time here hasn't been all that bad, I think I needed to get away and get my thoughts together. I know I have a lot of issues with my mother abut I also have to deal with some self esteem issues about myself. The meetings with the group and Carol can get really lively. Just like they told me at the beginning of my stay here most people here are trying to cope with life with drugs and alcohol, there are people here who are also dealing with some serious mental conditions. One woman that I felt drawn to is Carol, she is this short, round blond woman who has tried to kill herself at least five times maybe more. I guess she is like a cat who has nine lives or she just can't seem to get it right or maybe she doesn't want to get it right. The thing that trips me out is that she seems to be proud of the marks on her skin. She's tried to slice a vein in her neck and has driven her car into a tree. She says her husband don't know what to do with her, they don't communicate at all at home, he is tired of dealing with her and her mental problems. She has no children and she's very lonely. She's been to about seven psyche wards and she can give you information of the good ones and the ones that mistreat their patients. She talks about these hospitals as if she's talking about different motels she's been to and she has rated which ones are five stars down to which ones are two stars. She enjoys being at this place with the different people, I think it's because they give her attention and she has the different patients to talk to.

Then there's Joan who likes to curse and fuss all the time, so they keep her drugged up. She doesn't get along with anyone, she gives the nurses and the doctors a hard time, my understanding is that while she was under the influence of drugs and taken her medication that she began to hallucinate. She stays medicated and I steer clear of her, she does not seem to be aware really of her surroundings.

I haven't really got close to anyone but there are some nice people here who are carrying a lot of pain and depression. I have tried to start a journal but I don't feel I am even being honest when I write my feelings down on paper so I just stopped doing that.

The first break through came when Carol Lewis came into my room for a one on one conversation. She was not dressed as a doctor, her hair was flawless and her outfit was a mint green suit with shoes to match, her nails were manicured but they were not polished. She looked so young and so together professionally. I admire her and wish that I could get myself together and be someone like her.

"Name five positive things about yourself Monique?" Carol asked.

"I don't have five positive things." I replied.

"Yes you can Monique, if you try you can name something." replied Carol.

I honestly thought about it but I couldn't think of a thing so I say to Carol, "I can't."

"Let's change things around a little, name some negative things about yourself then." Carol requests of me. She leans toward in the black leather chair.

"I can't do anything right, I make bad decisions, I have bad credit, I can't budget my money, and I'm lazy." I reply.

"Monique why was it so hard for you to say good things about yourself, but easier for you to say bad things about yourself?"

"Because I don't like me, I don't finish anything I start, I'm not worth being around, I do stupid things and make bad decisions."

"Monique you have two boys, how old are they?" Carol asked.

"Jonathan is then, Marcus is six." I answer with a smile.

"How are they doing in school?"

"They both are A & B students. I am always getting letters letting me know how much of a pleasure they are to their teachers."

"How are they as individuals with people and other peers their age?"

"They have a lot of friends, but they are real close to each other because that's who they are with the most."

"Do you spend a lot of time with them?" Carol asked.

"Yes after work each day, I help them with their homework, we have good conversations together and sometimes we do plays together."

She looks up from her writing, "Plays, what kind of plays?"

"Well it's kind of silly but I write little plays and we act them out together, it's fun though."

"What made you decide to do plays?"

"Well I want the boys to find their creative side, and when I was younger, the neighborhood kids and I did plays and we would invite the neighborhood adults to come and watch. I wanted to be an actress, but in high school none of my friends were in to that, I didn't want to be different, so I would do it after school and in the summer with the neighborhood kids."

"I think that's interesting," replied Carol. Getting back to your boys, it sounds like you have done a pretty good job so far with them. Being a parent is a privilege and a responsibility that not all people can handle, you're doing it and it sounds like you are doing a pretty good job. You are helping them to become adults, you are molding their minds, that is very important and you need to recognize that if your kids are doing well in a society that seems to be getting more and more crazy and if they are well adjusted little people then you are doing a whole lot better than some people who consider themselves to be professionals."

No one had ever said such things to me and it touched my heart and made me feel good, before I knew it I was once again crying but this time I have my own tissue. She made me feel good about being a mom, I thanked her for her words of encouragement.

"You're welcome, sounds like you could have been a actress or maybe even a playwright. Why didn't you look more into that after high school?"

"Because my mother told me that it was a stupid idea and if I did not go into that she would stop helping financially. She wanted me to go to college, so I did."

"Not too good is right, it went down hill fast after I became pregnant and married the man who got me that way."

"What happened?"

"Well I was a rising junior in college when I met Miles. He was so handsome. I met him at a club on the outskirts of Danville, one night. Quincy and I were at the club and he was on the dance floor and he stood out in the crowd. I wasn't paying much attention to him, Quincy saw him first. I told Quincy that I am going to get that man. So after he walked off the dance floor I walked up to him, and I told him that I liked the way he moved and I asked him to dance. We did. After the dance I gave him my phone number and I told him to call me. He did!"

"Sounds like you felt good about yourself back then, you walked up to a stranger and gave him your phone number, a man you predicted you could have, what happened?"

"Well I was beginning to feel good about myself after graduating from high school. I had left behind the people who had made me feel bad about myself. I felt bad about myself in high school because of the people I hung with. You see because of my mothers job, I had nice clothes, drove a nice car and kept money, I always had money, so I had friends. Some were good friends, some weren't."

"Go on," Carol says but she's no longer writing.

"Well once I left these so called friends, I started working on myself, feeling good, and being with people who I felt really loved me, and that was Quincy. I was in college doing good, wearing make up, just doing my own thing. Anyway when I saw Miles, I went for it, when he called me back we started dating. He was so tall and had chocolate brown smooth skin and pretty brown eyes that shined, like he was really enjoying life. He was always on a up and that positive energy he had on the dance floor, he had whenever we were together. He told me he was U.S. Marine, that impressed me, but the funny thing about that was he was always at home. He told me the reason why he was always at home on weekends was because the base was only a couple of hours away and so he would spend his weekends at home. I fell in love with him. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Jonathan and we had gotten married that I found out he was AWOL from the military. My mother refused to attend the wedding, she wasn't at either one of my births, she had just cut me off completely, she hated me more now than she did when I was growing I felt."

"How did you feel?"

"I felt like I used to feel as a child, my mother still didn't want or love, she wanted me to have an abortion, but I couldn't I just couldn't. My grandma had taught me better than that, I had felt like I had done wrong having sex before marriage, I didn't want to make it any worse. My grandma supported me through it all. I married Miles and stayed married to Miles because I wanted my kids to have and know their father, something that I didn't have growing up. I felt like he could support us being in the military."

"But from what I understand your husband is on drugs and alcohol when did that start?"

"To be honest he was on drugs the whole time but I pretended not to see the hints. You pretend not to see things you don't want to see he never had no money, he lost the luster in his eyes, he was always moody, but what can I say? It wasn't until we were married when the money from my wallet started missing and orange caps that belong to hypodermic needles started showing up everywhere. When I think about it now I feel like such a fool. Once Quincy found out she tried to get me to leave, but I wouldn't because I was pregnant again."

"Things were getting heavy, I would talk to Quincy and my grandmother and even my mom's friend Jacob. It was hard paying bills, keeping my car up, taking care of the kids and taking care of Miles. Jacob would give me a piece of money from time to time and Quincy too but once she got married and started her own family she could no longer help. It seemed like I was starting to get sick a lot, light headed and pains in my body more. In my mind I am always saying if I had done this or if I hadn't done that my life would not be in such a mess."

"Sounds like you need a physical, when was the last time you been to the doctor?"

"I can't afford a doctor, besides since I have been here I have been feeling good, it is probably all the stress that I have been under."

Carol