Timid Reporter Interviews Bill Gates

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 35 - May 19, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Bill Gates?
BG: That's an unnecessary question.
TR: I know, but I always ask just to break the ice.
BG: Are you ill-at-ease?
TR: Almost always.
BG: You should do something about it - do some research.
TR: I'm used to being this way - for about two hundred years.
BG: You were born in the early 1800s.
TR: You're good at math.
BG: I know.
TR: 1777.
BG: You're 231 years old.
TR: My birthday's coming up.
BG: Let me guess - July 4th?
TR: July 7th.
BG: It figures. 7/7/77. You've been a nervous person since you were about 30 years old.
TR: Nervous and timid.
BG: What happened to you?
TR: I got married.
BG: For the first time.
TR: Yes. I've been married twelve times.
BG: More than Larry King.
TR: Who's Larry King?
BG: Never mind. Have a drink - on the house.
TR: I'll have a Corona Light if you don't mind.
BG: That's not an expensive imported beer.
TR: That's why I drink it. I always try to eat and drink the same things - day after day.
BG: Is that what keeps you healthy?
TR: I promised Barbara Walters I would not discuss that with anyone.
BG: Why is she obsessed with that?
TR: She's obsessed with staying young.
BG: I can't say I blame her. We're all getting older. Degeneration is our enemy.
TR: Is that why you want Yahoo!?
BG: No. I want Yahoo! because growth is the natural order of things. I don't want Microsoft to be my crowning achievement. There has to be more.
TR: Take it from me, there isn't.
BG: I don't believe that you are who you say. I was just humoring you.
TR: I knew that. I was humoring you as well.
BG: Why is it you don't get sick and die?
TR: Barbara knows. Ask her.
BG: She'll never tell me - or she'll want my fortune for the answer.
TR: I would have told her everything but she was rude to me.
BG: I will pay you a handsome fee.
TR: I'm not interested in money. I'm interested in not being so timid.
BG: Ok, then. I'll set up a foundation to do research into the psychology of timidity and other closely related ailments.
TR: Fear?
BG: Yes.
TR: Shame?
BG: Yes.
TR: Blushing?
BG: Yes.
TR: Arrogance?
BG: No.
TR: Pretentiousness?
BG: Absolutely not. Arrogance and Pretentiousness are qualities inherent in all advanced cultures.
TR: High Fashion?
BG: No. I am interested in education and health issues, period. You can help me with the health part.
TR: There's this tree in the Himalayas. It's the last one.
BG: Yes, go on. I can map it with one of my satellites. Do you know the coordinates?
TR: I've known the coordinates since 1929.
BG: You're not helping either of us. What are you waiting for?
TR: I'm trying to decide.
BG: Decide what?
TR: Whether I can trust you.
BG: Don't you realize that if we can study this tree and discover its secrets, mankind will benefit beyond our wildest dreams?
TR: Education is not about teaching.
BG: What?
TR: ...It's about learning. Life is not just about the how, but about the what; about living well, not living long.
BG: You're wasting time. You're talking in riddles. We could rule the world my friend. If I wanted to, I could send an army to locate this tree.
TR: They'll never find it - it looks just like all the other trees.
BG: Tell me how we can make a deal.
TR: Stop trying to acquire or control Yahoo!.
BG: Why?
TR: Sue Decker and I became very close friends after I interviewed her. I don't want her to get hurt.
BG: I can't make a deal like that. Goodbye sir.
TR: Thank you, Mr. Gates.