Timid Reporter Interviews Clinton & Obama

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 27 - April 26, 2008

Good morning Coffee Club members. Some of you will be pleased to learn that after last week's somewhat successful interview with Vice President Cheney, the Timid Reporter sought out Senator Obama again for an update on his progress. To his great surprise, he found Senator Clinton at Senator Obama's campaign headquarters, there on a fence-mending mission (he was told). As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. I believe we've met before?
BO: Yes, I remember you. You helped me recruit thousands of students. Hillary, this is the Timid Reporter with....
HC: Yes, I know. How nice to see you again. Chelsea told me she talked to you a few weeks ago.
TR: She did. She was a little aggressive with me but she was loyal to you one hundred percent.
BO: ...Takes after her mother.
HC: Now, wait a minute, I thought we agreed....
BO: You know I was just teasing. Besides, this is private and confidential. Our friend here won't print anything we ask him not to.
TR: That's right. I just wanted to see how things were going. There's a lot of talk about the Democratic Party splitting into two factions.
BO: You know, that is so utterly ridiculous. Where did you hear that?
TR: CNN, NPR, PBS, CBS, ABC, NBC, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Baltimore Sun, Bloomberg Television, Telemundo,....
HC: Ok, ok. Stop. Let me just set the record straight. Just because Barack and I are fighting tooth and nail for the nomination doesn't mean the party is splitting up. People just get wound up. They obviously don't understand politics.
BO: Well, I mostly agree with that, but I think that if you had conceded already....
HC: You know full well I can't concede. I have millions in campaign contributions still coming in. I am obviously somebody's champion or the money would have dried up. Besides, I'm kind of stuck - neither Bill nor Chelsea will let me quit.
TR: What's in it for them?
HC: Well, I promised Bill that he would be my running mate.
BO: Unless I win the nomination, in which case he'll be my running mate. That's top secret, by the way. Don't print it.
TR: I won't.
BO: As a matter of fact, Hillary and I are meeting today to work out the fine points of this brilliant strategy.
TR: Whose idea was it?
HC: Bill's.
TR: Is it legal?
BO: Absolutely. It's a perfect win, win, win, win solution to our party's problems. We know everybody loves President Clinton, though many pretend not to. He will unite us. With him on the ticket, we'll win by a landslide.
TR: He'll have to take back all the nasty things he's already said about you, Senator Obama.
HC: Only if Barack gets the nomination.
TR: Oh - and if he doesn't?
BO: I'll be Secretary of State.
TR: But that leaves out Mrs. Obama, no?
BO: Well, for the purpose of checks and balances, she'll be Chief of Staff to the Vice President.
TR: Ingenious, but is that legal?
HC: You worry too much about legalities. The framers of the Constitution were very clever men, but not clever enough. Our little arrangement may be unprecedented but it's perfectly legal.
BO: I always thought nobody could eat their cake and have it too, but this comes very, very close.
TR: You don't think the voters will suspect this is too much of a good thing?
HC: ...That there's something sinister behind it? Maybe.... There are those who will always think that way, regardless. The rest will give us the benefit of the doubt. In any case, we plan to leak this to the news media so that the people won't think that we're leaving anybody out. If by some chance Barack gets the nomination, I'll be Secretary of Defense - that's my favorite portfolio.
BO: Everyone will have a role to play.
TR: You said if Senator Obama gets the nomination "by some chance."
HC: You're all alike, you journalists. I misspoke, that's all. Let's not make a big issue of it. I know Senator Obama is ahead in the delegate count. You don't have to remind me.
BO: From this point forward, we are refusing to pick on each other, except in commercials, and only as a formality.
TR: I don't understand.
HC: You don't need to - just forget about it.
TR: And if the Republicans counter with a similar strategy?
BO: How can they?
HC: It's against their principles.
TR: Oh.
HC: The one thing they have never been able to grasp is that politics trumps ideology.
BO: We intend to keep the electorate well-informed. It's in our best interest.
TR: And the platforms?
HC: They will be easy to combine into one - they are almost identical already.
TR: You have thought of everything.
BO: We have much to discuss still, so if you will excuse us.... Thank you for coming.
TR: Thank you both.