Timid Reporter Interviews Condi Rice

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 34 - May 16, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Condoleezza Rice?
CR: Yes, I'm Secretary of State Rice. You must be the Timid Reporter. You're right on time.
TR: Thank you. My grandfather taught me to always be on time.
CR: Come in, please. Sit over here by the piano. I hope you don't mind if I play while we talk.
TR: If I say I mind you'll probably have me thrown out.
CR: Oh, no, of course not. I know you're not with the New York Times. I can hardly find time to practice, so I just thought I would make good use of my time with you. I can play some good background music.
TR: Can you play softly?
CR: I most certainly can.
TR: Do you know Yesterday?
CR: ...By the Beatles? I can play that.
TR: I never did an interview with music before.
CR: You will enjoy it. Pretend it's the soundtrack to your interview.
TR: Oh, my goodness, you play so well. It sounds like a lullaby.
CR: Actually, I've learned to play in a number of different styles over the years.
TR: Baroque?
CR: Yes.
TR: Classical?
CR: Yes.
TR: Jazz?
CR: Yes.
TR: Rock and Roll?
CR: Absolutely.
TR: Ragtime?
CR: I know a lot of Scott Joplin Rags.
TR: Wedding music?
CR: That's one of the few styles I don't play. I actually dislike the Wedding March.
TR: Can you just keep playing Yesterday please? It is lovely the way you play it.
CR: Thank you. Just don't get tired of it.
TR: Have you ever played for the President?
CR: Cheney has never allowed me.
TR: Do you know why not?
CR: He wants to be the first to serenade the President.
TR: I didn't know he played.
CR: He doesn't. He's learning to play drums.
TR: How can you serenade anybody with drums?
CR: He says he'll figure out a way. It just happens to be the easiest instrument for him to learn. Once he gets the hang of it, he wants us both to do the 1812 Overture.
TR: Amazing. Will you do it?
CR: I'll never have to. We'll be out of office before he learns to play. As a matter of fact, the war will be over before he learns to play.
TR: Music is just not his thing?
CR: I think not, though he has absolute mastery over many other things.
TR: Such as...?
CR: Politics, the President's Chief of Staff, the CIA, the FBI, the NSC....
TR: Oh. Do you think we'll ever have peace in the Middle East?
CR: There are so many obstacles to overcome there. We cannot just legislate hate and intransigence away, try as we might. All kinds of different issues come into play. It would be easier to beat a computer at chess.
TR: But isn't the whole problem over some real estate?
CR: That's only part of it. There are religious, political, and economic factors to consider. It's ironic that we can keep animals at peace, but not human beings.
TR: What do you mean?
CR: Well, take a ride to the zoo some day. Do you see the leopards and the giraffes together in one pen? Do you see the lions and the bears together? Do you see the snakes and the prairie dogs in the same exhibit?
TR: No.
CR: I'm not saying that certain people are natural antagonists. My point is that if we are intelligent creatures, we should be able to solve the riddle. When emotions get you going, it's very hard to make rational choices. If the thing were about real estate, we would have asked Donald Trump for advice.
TR: Do you think Senator Obama will hire you as a consultant?
CR: He'd better.
TR: How is it that, being a concert pianist, you went into government service?
CR: It's not as strange as it appears. A few very able and talented musicians have served their country in various capacities - Edward Heath, the late English Prime Minister, for instance. He was a fine orchestra conductor. Thomas Jefferson was an accomplished violinist.
TR: Yes, I knew him.
CR: You know, for the sake of collegiality, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. ...The President of Poland, Paderewski - he was a concert pianist, too.
TR: Sonny Bono.
CR: Yes, of course.
TR: Bill Clinton?
CR: Definitely not.
TR: I have heard that music and math are related.
CR: Intimately. Especially in the great classical composers, there is a profound subtlety that one learns just by listening.
TR: You are a fascinating person. I want to come back to ask you more questions.
CR: Thank you. We know how to reach you.