Timid Reporter Interviews Dick Cheney

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 25 - April 16, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Vice President Cheney?
RC: Let me see your paperwork - everything in order?
TR: I've never done an interview in my underwear before.
RC: You know that's for security reasons.
TR: Yes, it was explained to me.
RC: This is not about feeling comfortable.
TR: I would feel the same, regardless, but I did want to ask you a few questions - maybe the embarrassment is worth it. Are my shoes going to be safe? I just bought them.
RC: Don't worry about a thing. All your belongings are in a secure place.
TR: Yes sir.
RC: I have an appointment with the President in a few minutes. Let's get this thing over with.
TR: Yes sir, except that the CIA guys confiscated half of my questions.
RC: I instructed them to. I won't allow questions that are either off topic, off limits, or off color.
TR: May I sit down now?
RC: Certainly. Just be sure to keep your hands where my Secret Service people can see them - we have no tolerance for nonsense around here.
TR: Yes sir. I have nothing to hide.
RC: Who sent you anyway?
TR: The Coffee Club Newsletter.
RC: You know, that's too good a cover to be anything but the truth.
TR: Can we discuss the war?
RC: That wouldn't be wise. I only discuss that with my wife.
TR: Ok. What about the upcoming elections?
RC: I'm endorsing McCain.
TR: But, he's the only candidate.
RC: I'm quite aware of that.
TR: Do you think he'll win?
RC: We're having Karl Rove do the math on that.
TR: Can you comment on the Plame scandal then?
RC: What fling?
TR: Valerie Plame.
RC: Oh. Let me tell you something about that.
TR: Yes sir.
RC: That incident was blown way out of proportion. All she wanted was a little publicity in order to sell more books. She and her advisers are all a bunch of lunatics.
TR: But, how can that be? They were highly placed in the Administration.
RC: I realize that. Trust me. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who really knows what's going on.
TR: What about Condi Rice?
RC: Look, I don't want to undermine or intrude on somebody else's area of responsibility. The war is more than enough to keep me busy.
TR: Can you comment on North Korea?
RC: I can't go there.
TR: But, as the Vice President, you can go anywhere.
RC: That's not what I meant. We're engaged in secret negotiations and I cannot comment on anything having to do with North Korea.
TR: You recently let the New York Philharmonic go.
RC: Of course, they paid their own way. Besides, one of their cello players works for the CIA.
TR: Really?
RC: I recommend you not print that.
TR: I won't.
RC: You know, the media is something not to be trifled with. They're always looking for scandal, for the dark side of things. They're very much like those doom and gloom financial analysts on Wall Street.
TR: It's getting a little chilly in here.
RC: Don't worry; you'll get your clothes in just a bit.
TR: Do you think the economic picture will improve soon?
RC: There was really nothing ever wrong with the economy. Some people started a bad chain reaction with their dire predictions. It's like when the media is out to get you. Very suddenly, thanks to the liberal press, your credibility can plummet to less than zero and your poll numbers can sink to record lows. It happens every time we're in office.
TR: So you think the economic stimulus package will make a difference?
RC: Lynne and I are donating our share to charity with the stipulation that they spend the money within two weeks. We're not issuing checks so that people can just sock it away. You need to spend yours, too. Buy a new wardrobe. A suit would do you good. Buy a new camera.
TR: I think I will but, how do you know I need a new camera?
RC: The CIA doesn't miss a thing.
TR: Senator McCain said that water boarding was ok as long as it's done humanely. Do you agree with that?
RC: Well, my office did extensive research on that subject; nevertheless, Senator McCain has first hand knowledge about what torture is or is not.
TR: ...And how would one define humane?
RC: If it doesn't make you give out a frightening scream, it's humane.
TR: What about sleep deprivation?
RC: Does it make you scream?
TR: No.
RC: You just answered your own question.
TR: Thank you sir.
RC: Thank you, too.