Timid Reporter Interviews Madonna

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 40 - June 12, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Madonna?
M-: Don't make me laugh. You're too silly.
TR: Sorry.
M-: No, no, don't be sorry. What's the matter with you? There's nothing to be sorry about.
TR: ...For being silly.
M-: There's nothing wrong with that.
TR: May I come in?
M-: You're practically already in. Don't be shy with me - I won't bite you.
TR: I'm just a little intimidated.
M-: I understand. Everybody is.
TR: Where can I sit?
M-: Sit on the floor.
TR: I might not be able to get up again.
M-: I'll be right here to help you, just in case. Now, relax. We might do a little Yoga. I'll have someone fix us some drinks.
TR: I drink Corona.
M-: No, no. In my house, we don't drink anything that doesn't require a bartender - not even baby formula. Let me introduce you to my special drink - a Madonna Daiquiri.
TR: You're very nice.
M-: It's been a long while since anybody called me that. Here, you won't need a straw.
TR: It's delicious.
M-: Delicious like me?
TR: I'm too shy to tell you.
M-: Whisper it in my ear.
TR: What if your husband comes in?
M-: There's nothing wrong with whispering in someone's ear.
TR: Yes, but you don't know what I was going to say.
M-: In two more minutes you won't care - trust me about that.
TR: What's in this drink?
M-: Vitamins and minerals.
TR: I don't really care.
M-: What?
TR: I don't really care.
M-: It has already taken effect. Good.
TR: What do you want me to do?
M-: Deliver a message to my younger brother.
TR: Can we whisper to each other first?
M-: No. Not anymore. You had your one chance.
TR: Ok, what's the message?
M-: I don't want that miserable book published.
TR: What book?
M-: My unauthorized biography.
TR: Everybody knows your biography already.
M-: Not the parts he's going to write about.
TR: You sound a little worried.
M-: I don't want to have to go to court. He'll make me look bad.
TR: How much worse can things get?
M-: There's some stuff I don't want coming out.
TR: Such as?
M-: I'm not really his sister. I'm nobody's sister.
TR: What do you mean?
M-: I was adopted, but you can't print that.
TR: I won't.
M-: My name is not Madonna Ciccone Ritchie.
TR: What is it?
M-: Lupe Lopez.
TR: That doesn't sound right.
M-: Yes it does. It has a certain ring to it, but you can't print that either.
TR: I won't, but how did all this happen? What's with the blond hair?
M-: I was born in Puerto Rico. There are lots of blond people there.
TR: Your brother knows this?
M-: About blond people in Puerto Rico?
TR: No, about Lupe Lopez.
M-: No.
TR: So, your secret is safe.
M-: Not if I take him to court.
TR: You're between a rock and a hard place?
M-: That's why I want you to persuade him.
TR: I think I feel up to it. The Madonna Daiquiri is a wonderful and very potent drink.
M-: Even your complexion has changed.
TR: I'll do anything for you Ms Madonna.
M-: How am I doing?
TR: What do you mean?
M-: Have I been persuasive enough?
TR: As always - yes ma'am. Tell me what to do - I'll do it.
M-: There's actually no need - I was just testing my persuasive abilities. I'm still pretty hot. I'm not Lupe Lopez, I'm me, Madonna.
TR: Why did you fool me like that?
M-: I'm getting ready to adopt eighty kids from China. I'm going to have to be very convincing with the authorities and, by the looks of things here, I won't have any problems.
TR: Bye Ms Madonna.