Timid Reporter Interviews Queen Elizabeth

Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 46 - August 30, 2008

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Queen Elizabeth? I'm sorry I don't know your last name.
QE: Don't be sorry my dear sir, please just come in - I was expecting you - my attendants will show you where to situate yourself.
TR: Thank you. I smell Jasmine tea.
QE: You have a good nose for tea?
TR: Yes, but I prefer beer.
QE: Oh, my goodness. Well, we can serve you a nice English ale if you'd like.
TR: I like Corona Light.
QE: What is that?
TR: A popular Mexican beer.
QE: I'm afraid we wouldn't have anything like that in the cellar.
TR: I'll have the ale but just dilute it with a little water please.
QE: That would be sacrilegious, sir - don't you think?
TR: To me, nothing is sacrilegious.
QE: Oh my.
TR: Well, some Earl Grey will do fine - I'm sorry to be so much trouble.
QE: Oh, no trouble at all. I'll have it brought right up.
TR: These are lovely paintings. I recognize several of the old Italians.
QE: You do?
TR: Yes, I used to sell canvas to some of these guys in the late seventeen hundreds.
QE: How can that be?
TR: My father and I used to peddle art supplies up and down Tuscany in old Italy.
QE: Oh, I see.
TR: I never suspected their pictures would end up here.
QE: We're the only ones who can afford them.
TR: Yes, of course. Do you think the aristocracy is in any danger of being shut down?
QE: I beg your pardon - that is an impertinent question.
TR: Sorry - I don't even know why I asked it.
QE: I'm not really prepared to speak on such a topic.
TR: Can we talk about the rest of the royals?
QE: Well, that depends.
TR: How about Prince Charles?
QE: Him we can talk about - he's been such a disappointment.
TR: Can I print that?
QE: Oh, no, absolutely not. You may not print any part of this little chat - I was informed it would all be off the record for now.
TR: So, when could I run it?
QE: Twenty years after I pass on.
TR: Ok, that's fine with me.
QE: So, where were we?
TR: Prince Charles....
QE: Oh, yes. As it turns out, he has gone against my wishes so many times and he's been dreadfully wrong every time. I have gotten accustomed to it I suppose. Otherwise, I'd be dead from all the ensuing turmoil.
TR: Were you against the marriage to Diana?
QE: Oh, of course, from the very beginning. I very much preferred Abigail.
TR: Abigail?
QE: She was a girl nobody knew about - even the tabloids didn't know. I really should not speak about it. She was ten years older than Charles, so she was just perfect. It's so unfortunate he had to go after that spoiled little girl. In the days of Henry VIII, she wouldn't have given us any trouble at all.
TR: I know what you mean. Is there anything you ever wished you could have done - things you couldn't do because you were the Queen of England?
QE: Oh, yes, many things.
TR: Such as...?
QE: Well, I always wanted to wear a very short mini skirt.
TR: Really?
QE: I have very nice legs, you know.
TR: I wish I had brought my camera.
QE: Oh, no, no. It's much too late for that now, if you know what I mean.
TR: Yes, of course.
QE: One thing troubles me about you.
TR: Yes?
QE: You do not address me as "your majesty." It is only proper you know.
TR: I'm half Gypsy - we don't care about such things.
QE: So, where did you get your golden hair?
TR: I'm half Austrian.
QE: How very unusual. Do you know how that happened?
TR: Yes, it's very simple. My father is Austrian and my mother was a Gypsy from Italy.
QE: And how did they happen to meet?
TR: Well, my mother was travelling with a band of Gypsies in the Northern part of Italy when the Austrians decided to invade. My father was in the army and the two groups sort of collided. That's the short version.
QE: It sounds so romantic.
TR: My father claims he was seduced.
QE: That's always the case is it not?
TR: I don't know - I've never been seduced.
QE: Yes you have, you just weren't aware of it.
TR: Well, in that case, I've been seduced quite a few times. What's that hanging by the mirror?
QE: That's a Stradivarius violin.
TR: I thought I recognized it. That's my father's old fiddle. It was stolen quite a few years ago when we were in Venice. Who sold it to you?
QE: Charles brought it back with him when he travelled to Paris many years ago. He was just seventeen years old. He never said anything about it being stolen.
TR: Not to worry - your secret is safe with me - I won't even tell my father.
QE: Sir, you are a true gentleman. I am grateful to you.
TR: No problem ma'am. I know it would just cause another scandal. It has been delightful meeting you.
QE: Thank you, sir. I'll have you driven to the palace gate in my Bentley.