Timid Reporter Interviews Rex Tillerson

Dear coffee lovers, for the few of you who might not know, Rex Tillerson is the CEO at ExxonMobil. Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Rex Tillerson?
RT: Yes sir, and who might you be?
TR: I'm the Timid Reporter with the Coffee Club Newsletter.
RT: Well, that's mighty cute but I would change my name if I were you. Please sit down over here.
TR: Weren't you expecting me?
RT: Well, sort of. I thought it might be a practical joke when they told me about it.
TR: I'm here to ask about the high price of oil.
RT: Yes, isn't that wonderful? We are having great success with that.
TR: Well, of course - you run the biggest oil company in the world. What about the consumer?
RT: People underestimate the resiliency of the consumer. Higher gas prices are good for everyone, in the long run. Think about it. It is providing a big stimulus to all the green revolution and global warming fanatics. Consumers will now appreciate the value of conservation a little more. People will exercise more. The less use we make of our automobiles the better, don't you think? China will still be able to produce things cheaply for the rest of the world. That's the most critical thing.
TR: China?
RT: Sure. They created the huge demand for oil to begin with. Of course they also own a big chunk of ExxonMobil stock.
TR: Really? Who controls the price of oil, then? I thought it was you.
RT: No, no, no, of course I don't. I can't say I would mind if the price goes to $200 a barrel, but I have no say in that.
TR: But you're willing to pay that price?
RT: ...yes, because we can simply pass it on to our loyal customers. We don't believe in absorbing losses for anyone. If the customer can't afford it, we know they will buy scooters or bikes or simply walk.
TR: And the airlines?
RT: The weak ones will go out of business.
TR: ...lots of jobs will be lost.
RT: Look, we're not any happier with the situation than anyone else. We just happen to be the ones reaping some of the profits.
TR: Do you have any incentive not to buy at such high prices?
RT: None whatsoever. The price is set by the brokers, not the sellers and not the buyers.
TR: So, if you're bidding against China, you have to pay whatever price will get you the oil just to get some of it or end up with nothing?
RT: More or less, yes. We could pay less for domestic oil which China does not bid on but the producers won't stand for it.
TR: And if the customer refuses to buy?
RT: That will never happen. There are so many people who commute over two hundred miles to work every day - I can just see them walking all that distance.
TR: Why does China need so much oil?
RT: A lot of infrastructure development for the Olympics is soaking up a horrendous amount of oil - more than I can really say. Also, as you know, oil is used as an ingredient in makeup and a lot more women are using a lot more makeup these days.
TR: I didn't know that. Are you at all interested in developing alternative energy sources?
RT: Not at all.
TR: Oh.
RT: Oil will eventually end up being a luxury - not because it's scarce, but because it's pricy, just like diamonds, just like Picassos.
TR: So there's plenty of oil in the ground?
RT: More than anybody knows. We won't run out of oil until 2752 - give or take.
TR: And the consumer can't do anything about it?
RT: Nothing.
TR: How does that make you feel?
RT: I'm ecstatic. Business is more than very good, it's better than it's ever been.
TR: So, let me get this straight - you are both the buyer and seller of oil?
RT: Yes. We buy and we refine it. Then we sell it.
TR: Does that mean you could buy it at $400 a barrel and it still wouldn't hurt you?
RT: No, it wouldn't. We are immune to price hikes. I know that if we showed up one day and refused to buy on the futures market, the price would immediately come down, but who's interested in that?
TR: I don't know. What will you do with all the profits?
RT: I'm glad you asked me that question. You see, every penny that any investor ever makes has to be reinvested in something else. Eventually, a lot of those profits will trickle down to the little guy.
TR: But gasoline is not like diamonds.
RT: It's the psychology that counts. We could actually do the same thing with turnips or pork bellies.
TR: You're kidding.
RT: Try me.
TR: No, I eat a lot of carrots and turnips.
RT: We are also planning to open our very own investment bank. We'll probably put JP Morgan Chase out of business within a few months.
TR: If you could buy oil at less than $120 a barrel, would you?
RT: Never.
TR: I don't know if I like you.
RT: Ask me if I care.