Timid Reporter Interviews Vladimir Putin

Any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Vladimir Putin?
VP: You should be able to recognize me - I'm not wearing a disguise.
TR: I'm sorry - the question is just a formality.
VP: Let's not concern ourselves with that. Come in.
TR: Thank you. This is very plush - even Carla Bruni doesn't have anything to match this. She won't like it when I tell her.
VP: Keep it secret. There's no need to tell her anything.
TR: I won't, I promise. You don't have any security men here either.
VP: I think I'm my own best security. Besides, we know you're not the type to try anything.
TR: I'm not, but I'm hoping you'll let me take a few pictures.
VP: Photos are fine as long as we get to retouch them. You'll get your camera and your photos returned to you in a month.
TR: Let me think about that. I was also hoping you would allow me to tell you a joke to see if you might smile.
VP: No, that wouldn't be appropriate.
TR: Ok, I'll try something else. Now that you're no longer in power, do you feel differently?
VP: Who said I wasn't in power?
TR: Well, your title is now Prime Minister and everyone knows....
VP: President Medvedev is my best friend.
TR: So you'll be running things behind the scenes?
VP: Let's just say I'll be available to advise the new President whenever there are issues other than when to redecorate the Kremlin hallways or repair the Metro - that sort of thing. He can figure those things out for himself.
TR: He might not like what you just said.
VP: He and I have an understanding. Besides, you will keep it secret.
TR: Yes, I promise.
VP: Discretion is a great virtue - I don't have to tell you that. I once saw one of my best friends literally cooked to death in an oven. The old KGB found out he was a double agent. They gathered a few of us to witness the horrible execution.
TR: You trust me with that information?
VP: I know you will keep it secret.
TR: Yes, yes, I promise. I'm beginning to understand why you don't have a sense of humor. Nobody has ever seen you smile.
VP: My wife has, countless times.
TR: May I ask you about her?
VP: No, especially if it's about the divorce.
TR: How about your daughters?
VP: I wish I had a son. Just one would be fine.
TR: But you have two wonderful daughters.
VP: I've wanted a boy for a long time, someone who could assume my role after I'm gone.
TR: To establish a dynasty you mean?
VP: The Tsars weren't so bad. It's just that they weren't Communists.
TR: Do you miss the old days under Stalin and Khrushchev and Brezhnev?
VP: I wasn't born then.
TR: You know them only from history books?
VP: History is bunk. It's written by self-serving historians and people who like painting pretty pictures of themselves.
TR: You have an autobiography.
VP: Yes.
TR: Is it all true?
VP: From my point of view? Yes.
TR: Everyone says you're a very smart man, but emotionless.
VP: They're telling you the truth. Emotions and good judgment don't mix. That's what got your President in hot water.
TR: Can you elaborate?
VP: Talking too much gets people in trouble.
TR: Is that what happened to the double agent?
VP: No, he drank too much. We noticed he had a preference for American beer. He didn't even drink Vodka. He drove a Lexus.
TR: Maybe he just wanted reliable transportation.
VP: We have an excellent subway system, especially here in Moscow. Abroad, all our agents are expected to drive domestic cars. Anyway, I swore we would never again execute a man by cooking him alive.
TR: It sounds cruel and unusual.
VP: It takes a long time too.
TR: What do you use now?
VP: An antique French guillotine constructed in 1824.
TR: It's classier.
VP: It's quick.
TR: Like your rise to power.
VP: No. My promotion was unexpected but it wasn't quick by any means. I had long been working for the government when I landed in Yeltsin's office by chance.
TR: Is it true he drank a lot?
VP: I would say he drank just the right amount. I spent many a sleepless night sobering him up, more than I can count.
TR: So you had plenty of opportunity to ingratiate yourself.
VP: That's not funny.
TR: I didn't mean it to be.
VP: I was the only one willing to do it for him.
TR: Thank you sir.