Tips for Being a Better Listener with Your Spouse

A great way to ensure successful communication with your spouse is to be a good listener. To help understand common mistakes people make when trying to listen to their spouse and tips for being a better listener with your spouse, I have interviewed therapist Pamela A. Bass, MSW, LCSW.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

"I have been seeing clients for 21 years. In 1990 I got my Masters in Social Work from the State University of New York at Albany. I have been happily married since 1992. From time to time I facilitate marriage workshops around the Omaha area."

What are common mistakes people make when trying to 'listen" to their spouse?

"Most people think they're 'good listeners' to begin with, which actually hampers them from FULLY tuning in to their spouse. Being a great listener is really hard work! Second common mistakes couples make is to react defensively to what their spouse is saying to them. It's important to turn off your feelings and pay 100% attention to your spouse's words and body language. That is really hard to do for most of us. Thirdly: your brain can think faster than a person can speak, so you have to train yourself to continue focusing on your spouse and not think about what you want to say."

What are some tips for being a better listener with your spouse?

"Some Tips are: Be a responsive listener. Responsive Listening is a skill and like any other skill, we need to practice, practice and practice! Don't assume you're naturally gifted in the listening area: keep learning {read a book, see a counselor, take a class, etc.}. When listening, do just that: listen! Focus on the feelings behind the facts or content. Ask yourself: What is he feeling about XYZ? Ask clarifying questions if you're not sure. Always ask for feedback {"So, you're thinking A, feeling B about A, and you want me to understand C; is the correct?".

At its core, it's the 3 A's: Attention, appreciation and affirmation. If you're practicing all 3 at the same time, in a loving atmosphere, you'll probably be a great listener.

Create a safe place for your spouse to speak. Be open and really foster an openness and receptivity [this will take LOTS of time and maturity]."

What type of professional help is available for someone that has a difficult time listening to their spouse?

"Professional counselors are readily available just about anywhere you live. Seeing a counselor for a 'Marital Check-Up' is a great gift to your spouse. Counselors are trained and can teach you some responsive listening skills in a few sessions. I also recommend the book, The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols, PhD."

Thank you Pamela for doing the interview on tips for being a better listener with your spouse. For more information on Pamela A. Bass or her work you can check out her website on www.pambass.com .

Recommended Readings:

Strategies For Improving Communication with Your Spouse

How to Improve Communication in Your Marriage

Effectively Communicating with Your Spouse