Tips for a Better Marriage

Your partner isn't a mind reader, so open up and talk about what you're thinking. If you've been married for a while, you'll probably anticipate what the response will be before you even say something. However, all of us change as time goes on and how we felt about a certain topic a few years ago might not be the same as we feel about it today. Start your conversations with a smile and a cheery tone of voice so your partner doesn't immediately feel defensive or take the attitude that what you're going to talk about will be boring. Try not to repeat yourself. Saying the same things could cause your partner to tune out or be mistaken for nagging. If your partner is talking to you, make eye contact and give signs that you're interested and listening.

You need to accept that men and women have different styles of communicating. Neither style is wrong, just different. For women, verbal communication is most important. A man's response is aimed at solving a problem. A man is more likely to feel close and intimate if his wife does something for him, like wearing something revealing to bed, bringing him a snack while he's watching TV, or suggesting he goes out to play a round of golf with his pals. A woman is more likely to feel close and intimate if her husband does what he's been asked to do, brings her romantic gifts, or listens attentively while she rehashes a pet peeve or gripes about a family member. Wives are using their husbands as girlfriends and the husbands are thinking she wants him to find a solution to something. Her conversations about her daily life confuse and frustrate him, so he turns off. She then considers him insensitive. Understanding and accepting these basic communication styles will help both of you to be better communicators and listeners.

Make Honesty & Trust a Daily Priority

You should trust each other enough to be able to talk about anything without fear of judgment or reprisal. For example, a friend became interested in certain aspects of bondage and wanted to give it a try. She was afraid to ask her husband to tie her hands behind her back with one of her silk scarves or blindfold her some evening when they were home alone. She was sure he would respond in a negative way and be disgusted by these new desires. She went to the internet to explore rather than trusting her partner to understand and explore these new ideas with her. She felt she couldn't be honest with him, yet she was able to be honest with people she met in chat rooms on the internet. As time went on, the situation became more complicated and she became emotionally involved with others who shared her desires. She had developed a secret life that put a barrier between her and her partner.

Now is the right time to build up the trust you already have. The more you share of yourself and your secret thoughts, the more trusting your partner will be. By sharing secret thoughts and desires, you're opening up new ways to revitalize your marriage. This is something good, not shameful. We all tend to worry if there might be something our partner isn't telling us. Take away that worry and the suspicions will disappear and trust will grow. It all goes back to communication and not being mind readers.

Avoid Resentment

Restricting yourself from taking part in an activity or hobby can cause resentment that your partner has no knowledge of and therefore is helpless to do anything about. If you've wanted to join a bowling league but know your partner won't be happy about staying home alone while you're with your friends, you begin to build up resentment for having to give it up. Once again, communication is the only way to work through this. Don't assume before you even talk to your partner that they will be angry and demand you stay home. Think of ways that both of you can have a fun evening without the other feeling left out. Talk about why an evening with your friends is important and that it doesn't mean you like them more than your partner. You never know if your partner is also wanting one night a week to spend with friends or take a class. If something is bothering you, talk about it before the mole hill becomes a mountain.

Don't Point Fingers

Conflicts are bound to come up in any relationship. No one likes to be scolded, so use a soft voice, keep calm and use your best communication skills. Listen to what your partner has to say instead of forming an argument in your head while they talk to you. Even if you believe you are right, try to understand your partner's point of view. Talk about how the topic of conflict makes you feel, rather than pointing out what the other one did wrong. Assigning blame will cause defensiveness and bad feelings. Come up with a solution to resolve the conflict as soon as possible. Once you're past it, don't bring it up again or use it as ammunition in a future conflict. Doing so will make conflict resolution difficult if bygones aren't allowed to be bygones.

Respect Your Partner

No matter what is happening at home, do not complain about your partner to your friends. Once you've let out your personal problems, your friends will look at your partner in a different way. You open yourself up to being a topic for local gossip, too. You might fix things at home, but the memory of what you said will remain. Show respect for your partner by retaining their dignity. A friend who was annoyed with her husband told me she can't stand it when he passes gas every morning before getting out of bed. It wasn't just a comment. It was an entire rant. If you don't show respect for your partner, your friends aren't likely to either. They will feed your little annoyances and keep you from moving on to a happier state of mind.

Speak respectfully to each other at all times. Quit using the sarcasm that has become a habit. If you swear, try to do so less often, as it loses its impact after a while. Definitely address each other with respect in public. If you just can't stifle that nasty remark, at least take your partner aside or wait until you get home.

Make Time

You were busy people when you met and you are busy people now. Don't let lack of time be an excuse for not spending quality time with each other. Text or email your partner with a date idea. Make it intriguing and use some creativity. Stop off for a couple items from the Chinese takeaway and don't forget the chopsticks. Have a movie ready for after you share dinner and talk about neutral subjects that interest both of you. Change the normal lighting, use candles, sit on the floor or eat in a different room, wear something provocative or maybe a kimono to set the mood. You had time to date when you first met. Surely you can find time for a date now.

Hug & Kiss

Research shows that a hug lasting at least 20 seconds will release oxytocin, a hormone that influences our ability to trust others. Kissing renews the bond two people have and releases endorphins, chemicals in the brain that give a sense of well-being. Hugging and kissing isn't just for the bedroom. Take 20 second breaks for hugging and kissing whenever you can.

Take Pride in Your Partner

Over the years we tend to become very comfortable with our partners and our once strong desire to be the best we can be has been all but forgotten. Show your partner that you still care how you look, even if the good cooking has expanded the waistline. Men can put on a shirt that's clean with no holes and look pretty good without even shaving. Wives should take the time to put on a little makeup and perfume and dress to please, even if it's just to run some errands with him. He will be very proud to have such a well-groomed companion by his side. Watch for the looks he gets from the men shopping with their wives dressed in baggy sweatpants and t-shirts. Hold hands and people will be thinking you couldn't possibly be married.

Be proud of each other's achievements and do a little bragging when appropriate. Let your friends and family know that your partner just finished a yoga class or was named employee of the month. If you tell others how happy you are with your partner, you'll reinforce those feelings for yourself and be more optimistic about your relationship.

Cook Up Something Hot

If both of you work, and even if one doesn't, the kitchen can be a pretty great place to have fun. Agree to prepare a meal together and don't let time be an excuse. You need to eat, don't you? Chop up some veggies and feed each other a piece or two as you work. Using a sauce? Let your partner have a taste from your finger. Stop watching the pot simmer and use that time for a hug and a kiss. Don't worry if you end up ordering out. You just discovered a spicy new recipe for a better marriage.

Counseling Can Help

If you've given all of those a try and feel you need counseling, by all means give it a try and don't throw in the towel. Seeing a counselor together and apart will give the counselor a better chance of helping you. How you interact with your partner in front of the counselor is a huge tip off as to underlying problems that you might not be able to see yourselves. What you say to the counselor in private will diplomatically be addressed and workable suggestions will be made. Make counseling a "no fault" activity. If one partner is on the defensive, chances are it won't work. Both need to be open to finding solutions, working past the rough spots and focusing on the future rather than the past.