Tips on What to Buy (Or Not Buy) a New Widower for Christmas

When a husband loses his wife, that first Christmas can be daunting. The holiday season is likely to be the time when her loss is felt the most. Wanting to comfort a friend, we may, even with the best of intentions, inadvertently cause even more pain with our choice of gifts. While it's never easy to decide upon an appropriate gift for someone who has just experienced a very deep loss, the following is a set of rough guidelines designed to hopefully get you going in the right direction. Before you make your final gift-giving decision for your grieving friend or family member, consider the following tips on what to buy, or not buy, a new widower for Christmas.

Tip #1 Unless requested, avoid giving gifts that his wife would have purchased him. Knowing that a widower will go without what his deceased wife usually chose for him on Christmas morning is a hard pill to swallow for everyone involved. However, attempting to purchase personal items such as cologne, formal clothing, etc., that she bought based on her intimate knowledge of her husband will not fill the void. In fact, it may deepen it. When a wife is gone, the Christmas gifts she lovingly purchased each year are no longer a part of the tradition. They go with her.

Tip #2: Avoid picture frames, photo albums, or anything that requires emotional work on the part of the widower. A picture frame or similar gift may seem innocent and generic enough, but finding something to put in one that doesn't remind him of happier days before he's ready to think about them might be excruciating.

Tip #3: Avoid giving gifts that require two people to use. Board games, movie tickets, a game table, and event tickets that his wife might have loved aren't a great idea. Sitting alone and unused until someone happens to come along to help him use them properly, these gifts can become a reminder of the person who is not there to share them.

Tip #4:Avoid giving pictures or other memorabilia of the deceased that are in your possession. While you may want to give these gifts to the widower at some point so that he can have them to cherish, allowing him to open them on Christmas morning in front of other friends and family would be ill advised. If you have such gifts to give that you believe the widower in question may want, consider giving them in private during a time that isn't so closely related to family and traditions.

Tip #5: Avoid giving household items that she would have used or arranged. A beautiful set of decorative household items might be appreciated, but if she would have been the one to figure out where they went before, it might be hard for him to do so now. If you are certain that his wife would have been in charge of how an item was used or where it went in the home, it's likely that he might not know what to do with it no matter how beautiful or useful it may be. Unless directly requested, simply save him the heartbreaking effort this year.

Tip #6: Office and other work-related items are permissible. If work doesn't remind him of his wife, purchasing him something to enhance the work experience may be a good idea. Because men tend to throw themselves into their work when enduring a loss, work-related gifts may come as a comfort in several ways.

Tip #7: Literature is always a classic gift for the lonely heart. If a widower has a favorite author whose writings wouldn't remind him too much of his loss, consider purchasing a new release for him for this difficult Christmas. Widowers spend a great deal of time alone at first, and filling that alone time with something that will take his mind off of the loss of his wife (without being too obvious) may be helpful.

Tip #8: Offer your company with event invitations. If you know that the widower in your life would enjoy a certain event, consider asking to go along in order to avoid that dreaded question of who will join him. If your company isn't possible, you might consider making a purchase with another specific guest in mind. In other words, buying tickets that he might use with a child, friend, or other close family member could work. If you do go this route, be sure to get with your intended secondary guest to see if they will be able to work together with you on this gift idea (allow them to check their schedule, make adjustments if necessary, etc).

Tip #9: Shop around for electronics. Men who have lost their wives need "toys" for Christmas that will keep them occupied without directly reminding them of their lost loves. Electronics are unromantic but fun options that will keep them busy.

Tip #10: Consider giving the widower in you life hobby-related Christmas gifts. Perhaps more important than any other step in a man's route to healing after a loss is being able to have fun and become a little distracted. If he has a hobby that he has always pursued without his wife, give him a gift that will help him further develop it during this difficult time.

Keep in mind that the above tips are merely suggestions, and every widower is different. Hopefully, they will have you thinking about what kinds of Christmas gifts might be painful reminders, and which might be life saving distractions. Use your discretion, and try to be mindful of what you might wish to receive (or not receive) during your first holiday season without your own spouse. You'll quickly start to get the idea.