Tips for Choosing the Right Babysitter

I am a mother of four children. When my children were small, they were quite a handful. Most of their life, I had raised them without assistance from a companion or another parental figure. I did not go out much and when I did, I usually took my children with me. But, there were times when I did need a babysitter. I did not have family or many friends around. Truth be told, I did not want some of my family members watching my children. We held very different values on the care and responsibility of my children. It would have been great to rely on likeminded family members. But, that just was not going to happen in my case. Thus, I had to find sitters for my children. To add insult to injury, I did not have much money. I ran into many challenges with finding the right babysitter. Some recommendations fell flat on their face. Some sitters were not able to handle four small children. Just because a teen is successful in other areas: academics, sports and extracurricular activities does not mean that they will be a good sitter. What started out as an occasional need became more constant as I found that I had to increase my educational level to compete in the job market. Thus, these tips are for sitters that parents might need to use on a regular basis.

After a while, I honed my method for finding good babysitters. However, I will encourage parents to hold on to a good babysitter. They are truly hard to find. I will also say that my favorite babysitter was a teenaged boy. Of course, I had three sons and a daughter. But, this teenage boy did a much better job than all of the teenage girls and most of the grandparents that I hired. My oldest was eight years old and my youngest was three years old at the time I found myself in need of a regular babysitter. I believe that it worked so well because he enjoyed sitting for my children, he respected my rules, he was able to exert authority when needed and he was creative enough to entertain four children.

Some people have gender biases when selecting a babysitter. I must admit, I was one of them. I was wrong. I confess that I only had one male babysitter and many female babysitters. Females ran the gambit of being warm and loving to gruff and formal. Yes, it is true that some guys are awkward around babies and some guys follow their fathers who are either disciplinarians or friends. But, I have found this in female sitters, as well. In fact, I have found that many teenage girls have a difficult time setting and maintaining firm boundaries. In short, they were pushovers and my children... .. Would push. In my situation, the male babysitter possessed the right combination of characteristics. He certainly did know how to be firm, yet nurturing to my children. I developed a working relationship with his parents, as well.

First, as always, it is a good idea to assess your expectations. Do you expect your babysitter to clean the house, make the children meals, take your children places and/or put them to bed? Do you want a babysitter who supervises your children or who interacts with them? Think of your family members. What problems do you have with Uncle Mike or Aunt Sally watching your children? Remember, that some babysitters could possess those same characteristics. It is important to write down the expectations and qualities that you find essential in a babysitter. It is also a good idea for you to write down qualities that are unacceptable in a babysitter. You and your spouse should agree upon them. I was a single parent, thus I had to make the decision singularly.

Try your babysitter out on a smaller scale. It is a good idea to invite your proposed babysitter over for a couple of hours and evaluate how they interact with you and your children. Give them the option to be "mother's helpers," for a bit of time. This is a process where you ask them to take care of your children while you busy yourself with other household chores. You will still be in close proximity, but the sitter will be managing the children. You will be able to evaluate the sitter/child interaction and your sitter's style of communication and problem solving. In this manner, you will also get your children use to the possible sitter. This will help you and your children not feel as if you have left them with a stranger.

Ask the sitter for references. Actually follow up and call those references. When you talk to other parents, be specific in your questions. Don't just ask: "Did she do a good job?" Ask, "What makes him better than other sitters that you have employed?" Ask the references about any problems that they have had with this sitter. Make sure that the parents have a similar situation to yours. Someone who has only one child might have a different experience than someone who has four children. Someone with a special needs child might have a totally different experience than those who do not.

Discuss many different issues and concerns with the possible sitter. It is important to discuss what you expect, what they expect, rules of eating, sleeping and playing, boundaries for the sitter, disciplinary actions that are appropriate for the children, emergency contacts and of course, fees.

One of the most important qualities for a babysitter to have is a "respect for you as the parent and respect for the family unit." They must have a respect for the house rules and the culture in which the child lives. Sitters must observe rules concerning language, behavior and specific cultural practices that might be foreign to them. I am a disabled parent. I found that many of my babysitters would override my rules and boundaries when they cared for my children. There were some rules and some duties that I performed differently because I am disabled. Deviating from these standards will lessen the child's consistency for obeying that particular rule. I have a friend who has taught her children to always respond with "yes, Maa'am," when talking to people who are older than they are. Sitters who don't value that rule, have a hard time remembering to reinforce it. As a result, the children learn not to value the rule because someone who they look up to does not value the rule. If the babysitter has respect for you, as a parent, then, he/she will encourage your children to follow your rules: even if they disagree with them. He/she will have a respect for you, as the parent and the person who knows what is best for your children. They will understand that they will do you and the children a disservice if they allow your children to break your rules, no matter how ridiculous they may seem.

I know that many people have suggested that other parents are the best sitters because these parents understand the child rearing process. This is sometimes true. However, when I asked other parents to sit for my children, they enacted their own rules instead of respecting mine. In short, they felt more knowledgeable because they were also parents. Sure, they got along with my children. Certainly, they seemed to like them well enough. But, their condescending attitude toward my specific parenting practices and their inability to be flexible made them undesirable candidates for a sitter. It is arrogant for the babysitter to think that they know what is best for the child. And, it is counterproductive for the babysitter to side with the child in such circumstances. This is not to say that the babysitter should be expected to always react like you would in a given situation. However, he/she should support your most important rules.
If it is not a rule that you mind them breaking, let them know. I did not mind if my children ate in the living room, as long as my babysitter cleaned up any messes that were made. I never asked my sitters to clean up my house, however, if the mess was directly related to the sitting activities, then, I did expect the sitter to clean up the mess.

There is a difference in providing fun for the children and being the children's friend.
The babysitter must maintain a sense of authority, just as the parents have and that requires them not being a "friend." It is essential that the sitter know how to exude his/her authority, yet do it in a kind and loving way. If your sitter is not comfortable in an authoritative role, then you need to find a new one. Of course, it goes without saying that the sitter must exude this authority without corporal punishment.

Make sure that your babysitter gives their undivided attention to your children. My rule was that no friends were allowed over when the sitter was sitting. This ensured that the babysitter's main priority was my children. This also did not allow "friends," to try and co-sit which usually causes problems.

It helps to have a sitter who is a creative problem solver. Since I had four small ones all at the same time, challenges were always cropping up. Someone who is creative and resourceful will meet these challenges positively. My babysitter was on his way to his Eagle Scout. He was not detoured by small inconveniences or changes in the plan. Flexibility is certainly a must when dealing with more than two children. Which leads me to the next quality: one who can deal with stress. Sometimes the stress comes from outside situations, and honestly, sometimes the stress comes from children who want to test the babysitter. Not everyone can rear angels! I have found that if your sitter says that he/she has never had a problem with your children's behavior then he/she is probably lying so that he/she does not offend you. Actually, my children felt the need to test the babysitter and he was not overwhelmed with these tests. He was not even stressed out about them. He was not expecting the children to like him all of the time or to always obey his command. His goal was not to pacify the children at any cost. Eventually, if you have adventurous children, the sitter will be treated like a substitute teacher. My sitter was quite aware of this fact, he planned for a mutiny and when it came, he responded with firm creativity, not exasperation.

The babysitter should be a good communicator. The babysitter should not make promises to the children that he will not or should not keep. If the child confides in the babysitter, it is the babysitter's responsibility to tell the parent. Of course, not everything should be told to the parent, however, if your seven-year-old is having problems that are escalating with her girlfriends at school or if your ten-year-old boy is being picked on by local bullies, those things as well as other more serious subjects need to be disclosed to the parent. The babysitter also needs to tell the parent when they are feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I have known parents who have taken advantage of their sitters, yet their sitters were afraid of offending the parents. Sometimes, it is appropriate to get the sitter's parents involved: if the sitter is a teen. Parent to parent dialog is essential for a healthy sitting relationship. The sitter's parents can also understand the struggles and challenges that the other family is going through. Also, it gives the sitter's parents a chance to feel pride at their child's good work. It is prudent for the sitter to be honest with the parents. And, it is equally prudent for the parents to be honest with the sitter. If either has a complaint, honest open communication will solve the issue.

The babysitter should concern him/herself with the children's personalities and interests. The babysitter listens to the children and understands the children's behaviors and fears. He/she plans activities that they will enjoy, is age appropriate and are approved by the parent. No babysitter could get away with watching Television unless my children were drained of energy. Thus, my sitters knew that they must provide active play for my children until they were tired. Then, a more sedentary activity could be enjoyed. It is a good idea to match sitters with children according to hobbies and personality type. Sitters who did not like to run around and be active did not enjoy sitting for my children because they felt as if it was a chore to keep up with them. My children wanted someone who would interact with them, not just stand back and watch them play. This was a must in our house. So, you have to find a sitter that will fit with the children's personality and hobbies.

A good babysitter is not a rebellious one. This is largely for teenagers or those in their early twenties, but I found that the more rebellious the sitter is, the more likely this characteristic will rub off onto the children. Also, the more likely, you will be viewed as those rebellious adults that the teen, in his/her personal life, is railing against. Also, the babysitters are more likely to call an adult when a challenge arises, if they are not rebelling against adults. I am not saying that a good relationship with their parents is a "must," but it certainly does help and ensures that the babysitter will not displace some of his/her anxt onto the children and end up identifying more with the children than the parents.

These are all qualities that you need to look for when choosing a sitter. The Mayor's daughter might perform well in the academic setting, but that does not make her a good sitter. While the Pastor's son might be a good leader and have good values, this does not necessarily mean that he will do a good job at babysitting your children. The mother, who has two children of her own, still may not be able to sit for your children as you would like her to. Grandparents don't get a free pass either. While it is beneficial that parents and grandparents have had experience in raising children, this does not automatically qualify them to be an adequate sitter.

Trust and respect are essential when choosing a sitter.
I hope that I have given you some things to consider when choosing a sitter. We all want our outings to be pleasant and the time that we spend away from our children to be pleasant for the children also. These suggestions will help you get the most out of your sitting experiences.