Tips on How to Cope with Secondary Infertility

Secondary infertility is something that occurs when a couple has already had at least one biological child, but for various or unknown reasons- are unable to conceive again. Coping with secondary infertility can be difficult at best, and sometimes the couple may feel they are alone.

My husband and I dealt with secondary infertility for over two years- we had no idea how to cope, and the emotional trauma of secondary infertility caused a major crisis in our marriage. Secondary infertility almost ruined my marriage. Here are some tips to help keep secondary infertility from destroying your marriage.

Well-meaning friends and family members may attempt to comfort the couple by pointing out that "at least you've already got one child." (Or however many children the couple may already have.) It's important to realize that although you are the one coping with the pain of secondary infertility, that most times, your friends and family members simply don't "get it," and they aren't trying to be hurtful or harsh when they say things like that.

Thinking that you are unable to have a child, or have any more children, can be very painful- it's not uncommon for a couple to wonder what's wrong with them as individuals. The important thing to remember about secondary infertility is that it's no one's fault- but it is an emotional roller-coaster and can cause a crisis in your marriage. It's important to keep the lines of communication open between you and your spouse during this difficult time.

Both of you allowing yourselves, and one another to feel your emotions and acknowledge them can go a long way towards getting on to the healing or, coping, process of secondary infertility. Don't blame yourself or your spouse, and don't feel guilty if you feel anger, frustration, hurt, or a deep sense of loss. What you are both feeling is perfectly normal.

Strengthen your bond with your spouse, agree to help each other get through the pain of coping with secondary infertility. Your spouse made vows of "for better or worse," even if right now it feels like it's the worst, you both promised to stand by each other's side. Help each other grieve and cope with secondary infertility. Make decisions concerning further efforts to "try" jointly, and find ways to help one another deal with it in as easily as possible.

You and your partner should educate yourselves as much as possible about infertility, and especially secondary infertility. Find books on the subject, visit support groups, and don't ever be afraid to ask your physician or fertility specialist questions. If you aren't sure about something, find the answers before you and your spouse make a decision about it.

Even if you've never struggled with infertility in the past, understand that sometimes secondary infertility just "happens" for no real reason whatsoever. Make sure that you and your spouse have agreed about how long you are willing to continue trying to get pregnant, and how far you are willing to go to get pregnant. No one but yourself and your spouse can decide when to stop trying to get pregnant, how much money you're willing to spend on fertility treatments or pregnancy attempts.

Have a solid financial plan in place if you're going to continue with more expensive fertility treatments while trying to get pregnant. Make sure you and your spouse have agreed to how much you're willing to spend to get pregnant, and make sure that you both are aware of what health insurance is willing to pay and what it isn't. Don't try to talk each other into trying "just one more time," if you have hit your budgeted amount. Know when to call "enough."

There are numerous support groups and counseling centers out there that can help you and your spouse with the heartbreak and stress of secondary infertility. If you or your spouse fall into a severe depression or are unable to let go of the grieving process gradually, then a good counselor or therapist for couple's therapy and/or individual therapy is likely a good idea. You don't have to do it alone. You and your spouse are not alone- be willing to accept support when you need it most.

If being around family members or friends who are pregnant or just had a baby is painful, or triggers a deep depression in your or your spouse, it's okay to say "no," and avoid social situations that cause pain. If your family or friends try to "guilt" you or accuse you of being "selfish," politely point out that they don't know what you're going through and that you know what you are capable of dealing with on an emotional level.

Be optimistic about your attempts to conceive, but also be realistic about your chances of getting pregnant. Stay realistic, maintain a sense of hope, and keep track of recent advances in medical and fertility science, and try to "go with the flow" as you deal with this. Neither severe negativity or extreme optimism are healthy, both can cause a severe backlash of emotional trauma.

Finally, don't focus completely on nothing but your infertility or trying for another baby. Make sure you get plenty of rest, eat right, spend time with the child(ren) you do already have, and even pursue hobbies or interests. It's not healthy to constantly dwell on something or revolve your life around your infertility. Be willing to live your life, regardless of the outcome of your attempts at conceiving and just hang in there!