Tips for Coping with Over-Dramatic Teens and Tweens

Teenagers - you can't live with them; you can't live without... Well, lets just say that teens and tweens can be difficult to live with. Hormone and life space changes are putting teens and tweens in situations that they have never encountered, and stressing them in ways they have never imagined. As a result, teens and tweens are subject to over-dramatic reactions, irritability, and testiness. Don't get me wrong, young adults between the ages of 12-18 are not all bad; they may be grouchy at times, but they are also capable of fantastic love, compassion, and tenderness. it is this medley of unpredictable emotion that can drive both parents and teens crazy at times. The trick is to cope and manage a teen and 'ween-ager's energies so that they feel supported and loved within a firm structure that can protect and provide boundaries. Trust me, as a teacher and father, I know this is all much easier to write then it is to do, but these guidelines might provide you with some direction.

Tips for Coping with Over-Dramatic Teens and Tweens

1) Remember the life space the teen or tween is stuck in. In my classes I always refer to young teens as chidults. Chidults are an awkward combination of child and adult. Throughout a teen and tween's day, they are constantly hearing from adults "Why don't you act your age?" When they do; they are told " You are nearly an adult, grow up." Then, when they act like an adult, they are told "You're just a kid."

It is very confusing for everyone involved, but remembering that a young teen is stuck in between two worlds, and empathizing with that fact will dramatically increase your understanding of their predicament.

2) When a teen or tween expresses a concern, no mater how melodramatically, listen to his/her concerns no matter how silly they may seem to you. When you're heart and head want to give advice, ask your teenager if you may make a suggestion. If s/he resists, slow down and back off. Do not take it personally.

3) If the teen comes to you with a mistake that was made, even if you warned him/her - do not say "I told you so." Instead you might say, "I'm glad you told me. It's important to me that you can confide in me." Your teen already knows you are disappointed - they don't need to hear it again. They need to know that mistakes are made and that they can be fixed.

4) Respect your child's boundaries. No matter how much you want to, you can't solve all of your teenager's problems. You have to stay involved so that you don't ignore warning signs that s/he may be involved in risky behavior. But you can't be so smothering; you need to respect his/her privacy and understand that in your teens new life space, he/she won't want to share everything with you as she did when she was very young.

This will hurt, but it is necessary. Many of the "flare-ups" you and your teen or tween-ager have are the result of these boundaries being redefined. Avoiding these conflicts is much more useful than resolving them.

5) If a conflict does arise, try to communicate the true feelings behind your statements. In a conflict with a teenager, one of you needs to think before you speak, and you can guarantee that it won't be the teenager.

Think about what you really mean before you speak. If you are going to say something like, "If I catch you drinking, I will ground you until you are thirty," stop and figure out what you really feel. Your true message is probably something more like "I'm scared to death that you'll drink and drive and be killed, and I will lose you forever." If you just yell your empty threat, the child will be defensive, but if you tell them how you feel, they will know you care, and that you love him/her.

6) Know the difference between your non-negotiables and your guidelines. You have the right and responsibility to set some non-negotiable rules. These should focus on health, safety, or deeply felt beliefs. You should have few of these non-negotiables, and you need to be able to clearly explain and define them.

Everything else is a guideline, and you must treat them as such. Guidelines need to be flexible, negotiable, and breaking them needs to be low-stakes. If a teen has too many high-stakes, non-negotiable expectations, they will revolt dramatically.

7) Do not take conflict and challenge personally. You want your teen to transform into a responsible and reasonable adult, so you must model what a reasonable and responsible adult is. Just because your child is older, does not mean that your explicit teaching and instruction have stopped. You are teaching your tween how to be an adult with every action and reaction. If you are irrational and loud; the teen will be too.

It is hard for parents of teenagers to find a way to not to be hurt by rebellion. If you do feel hurt or angry, try not to speak until you are able to reply calmly. If necessary, excuse yourself to calm down. One of you needs to act like an adult, and it is unfair to expect that from a teen-ager.

8) Show them unconditional love. Your teenager must learn that you can be angry with someone and still love that person. After a fight or conflict, make sure to say "I love you" or give him/her a physical or verbal confirmation of love even if he/she is not receptive to it. Do this even if they don't respond.

The bottom line is that your teen or tween is still learning. Remember when he/she was learning to ride a bicycle. How many times did your child fall or fail? Now your child is learning to be an adult - a skill that is much more difficult than riding a bike. The teen and tween will fall and fail repeatedly. Your job is to be the adult, in every situation, that you want your child to be.

It may seem that, as an adult, you are mostly responsible for your child's behavior in times of conflict. You are. Your teen or tween-ager is learning how to "grown-up" from you. If you don't act the part, they teen never will either.