Tips for Coping with a Spouse's Gender Identity Confusion

Has your spouse expressed that they are experiencing gender identity confusion? Are you unsure on how to cope with your spouse's gender identity confusion? To help understand what type of impact a spouse's gender identity confusion can have on a marriage and what you can do to cope, I have interviewed psychologist, Olubukonla (Bukky) Kolawole, PsyD.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I'm a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in New York City. I specialize in providing couples therapy, relationship coaching and relationship workshops to all couples, including those in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and queer community. More than my love for spoken word poetry, I am passionate about helping couples cultivate healthy, fulfilling and lasting relationships."

What type of impact can a spouse's gender identity confusion have on the marriage?
"It truly depends. Gender identity confusion is a significant stressor for most relationships, and yet its impact can range from breaking up the relationship to deepening intimacy and bringing the couple even closer together. Ultimately, whether its impact is negative or positive depends on many factors, such as:

1) The current strength and quality of the relationship,

2) The couple's coping skills and ability to navigate stress together (versus separately),

3) Each partner's commitment to each other and the relationship,

4) Each partner's individual identity, cultural beliefs, and values, and how accommodating these elements are to changing circumstances,

5) Each partner's ability to accept each other's evolution, tolerate ambiguity, and express compassion for each other.

Fortunately, each couple has the opportunity and power to create for themselves the type of impact this stressor will have on their relationship."

How can someone cope with his or her spouse's gender identity confusion?
"If your partner is experiencing gender identity confusion , I would encourage you to find ways to express your true emotions in a healthy and safe way. Depending on the underlying beliefs you have about yourself or your partner, you will likely experience many different emotions, sometimes simultaneously. This is common and normal, regardless of your love for your partner. You might find yourself feeling surprised, worried, sad, angry or guilty. You might even find yourself feeling relieved, happy or disgusted. Regardless of the feelings you're having, the critical piece is what you do with your feelings.

More than anything, I encourage you to avoid denying or minimizing your feelings or, even worse, turning to common and yet unhealthy ways of dealing with uncomfortable emotions, such as comfort eating, drinking excessively or taking your anger out on others. Instead, I encourage you to find healthy ways to express your feelings. Here are some suggestions:

1. Share your experience with your partner in a way that is authentic and yet compassionate to both yourself and your partner.

2. Rely on your partner, friends, family and other community members for support. Though you might worry about negative judgment from others, you'll likely find that people will rally around you both.

3. Center yourself and stay grounded by meditating, going to the gym, doing things you enjoy and staying close to the people who support you and your partner.

4. Stay connected to your partner. Try to hold on to the idea that, regardless of the outcome of your partner's gender expression, the core of your partner (i.e., his/her character) will likely remain the same."

What type of professional help is available for a couple that is having problems due to a spouse's gender identity confusion?
"Culturally sensitive mental health professionals can be very helpful for couples that are navigating the complications of gender identity confusion . While there are many competent couples therapists out there, the important thing is to find someone who, at minimum, actively strives for cultural competence and, at best, has some experience or specialization with gender identity issues or the LGBTQ population."

Thank you Dr. Kolawole for doing the interview on tips for coping with a spouse's gender identity issue. For more information on Dr. Kolawole or her work you can check out her website on www.drbukkyk.com .

Recommended Readings:
Strategies For Improving Communication with Your Spouse

How to Improve Communication in Your Marriage

Effectively Communicating with Your Spouse