Tips for New Dads: Bonding with Your Newborn

I believe that the bonding experience between a father and their baby can begin even before the baby is born. Certainly the pregnancy can feel kind of surreal to the expectant father because he doesn't have the physical experience of the baby growing within him that the mother does. He can feel that this baby is a stranger and this can fill him with trepidation, not knowing how he's going to cope with the challenge of fatherhood. But, if he involves himself as much as possible in the preparations for the baby, then without him even being aware of it happening, he gradually grows into the anticipation and longing to hold that new, precious little person in his arms. So, when the baby is eventually born, he may find to his amazement that there is this overwhelming bond already established, though he had not been aware of its evolutionary process.

During both my pregnancies my husband was very much involved in all the appointments and ultrasounds, etc. Then he was with me for the birth of both of them. Our first child was born after a long, traumatic labor. My husband had been there throughout the ordeal and was eagerly waiting to cut the cord. Sadly he didn't have that honour in the end because our daughter had to be revived when she was born and was whisked away quickly by the medical staff. However, once she was breathing again, he was absolutely over the moon. There's no doubt about it, he fell head over heels in love with her at first sight.

Would that have happened if he had not been so fully involved in the pregnancy and birthing? Maybe. I can't know that. But in my mind one thing is certain - it could only have helped a great deal. Neither of us could have any comprehension of how our united anticipation and preparation for the arrival of this precious little person was sub-consciously already developing that bond, of which he could only be fully conscious when he first laid eyes upon her.

Our daughter was taken to the neonatal intensive care unit that night and we only had a short time with her before my husband went home and I went back to my ward for a much-needed good night's sleep. However, next day we were able to have a long cuddle with her. I had read that it was a good bonding experience for the father to take off his shirt and hold the newborn against his bare chest. This familiarises the baby with the smell of her father. Babies are very responsive to the smell of the people who love and care for them. So my husband took off his T-shirt and had a cuddle with our baby girl against his bare skin. I'm sure that this experience must have contributed something special to the bonding that was developing between them.

Over the following six weeks we were to go through an indescribable nightmare that would take our baby to the brink of death a couple of times and rip away most of our dreams for her future. But I've always believed that one reason she fought so hard for her life was that, even as tiny, new and helpless as she was, she already sensed how deeply we loved her - and that the bond which had already been established between her and both of us gave her the will to survive.

During the six weeks that she was in neonatal intensive care, my husband joined me at her bedside all day every day - and again this was undoubtedly deepening the bond between him and his little girl. Of course, mercifully most fathers are spared such a traumatic process of bonding - but I'm sure it must be a common experience for fathers who have been through such a nightmare with their newborn, to have an extra deep bond forged with them as they have kept vigil beside the baby's crib.

The principle is still true for all fathers who would desire a close bond with their babies though. If you get as involved as possible with your baby before and immediately after the birth, bonding will just happen naturally.

The circumstances of our second child's birth were very different. He was born by planned caesarean section. My husband was present again for the birth though. I had an epidural and we both saw him the moment he was lifted, screaming with protest, from my womb. I had to go to a recovery room immediately till the effects of the epidural wore off - but my husband was the one who was present while the paediatrician checked our baby boy. Then he escorted him to my ward, where some dear friends who are honorary grandparents to our kids waited with our little girl. He has often told he that he felt ten feet tall as he walked along the hospital corridor with our son.

Because I was in a private hospital that time, and because I'd had a C-section, I wasn't rushed out of hospital like new mothers who give birth in public hospitals. My husband had taken some long-service leave to care for me and our little girl after my hospitalisation and for a couple of months after the birth of our son. So he was there with us at the hospital most of the time through the day. So again this was a wonderful bonding experience for him and our little boy. I actually believed in those early days that our son somehow had a deeper bond with his daddy than me - and I credited this to the fact that my husband was the one he had the most exposure to in the first hour or two of his life. I can still remember when I was holding him once and he was gazing across at his daddy, even though his vision would have been quite fuzzy at that stage.

My husband has always been wonderful at providing lots of hands-on care for both our children and has consistently been fully involved in their day-to-day needs. Because breastfeeding proved to be impractical with both of them, he was able to help me out with overnight bottle feeds for our son (tube feeds for our daughter). He's certainly never been afraid of changing nappies (diapers) and has undoubtedly changed thousands of them down the years (with our daughter, aged nine now, still incontinent due to her profound disabilities). In fact he snorts about those fathers who can't come at changing a pooey nappy and reckons they're wimps!

Our little girl - who went to heaven just before Christmas - was always on a raft of medications, which I found overwhelmingly challenging when we were getting ready to bring her home from neonatal intensive care. However, my husband, who at that stage was even contemplating becoming a paediatric nurse, was very comfortable and confident with this task. So from the beginning he became what I have always referred to as "the medicine man" and was wonderfully deft at mixing up medications for her morning and night and drawing up the correct doses in syringes.

On the too-numerous occasions our little girl was critically ill in hospital, mainly with pneumonia, my husband was there keeping a vigil with me at her bedside. Like me, these crises have rendered him unable to concentrate on much else but getting her well again.

He has always been totally devoted to his children - and it all dates back to his involvement in my pregnancy with that little girl who he was totally smitten by in the instant he set eyes upon her back in March 1998. The bonding was established and daily nurtured through daily involvement in the most practical aspects of caring for his developing family.

So basically if you are a new dad who wonders how you are going to bond with this little "stranger" who's coming into your life - just get involved as much as you can even before your baby is placed in your arms for the first time. Then when he or she has been born, you can find countless ways to build the bond. Help out with all the little acts of loving care. There will be some mundane and unsavoury ones. But there will also be plenty of warm, fuzzy ones. Babies need lots of cuddles and loads of communication. Talk to your baby. Sing to her. Read him stories (yes, right from the start). Play with her. Plant lots of kisses on him. Just spend every possible moment with them. There's nothing complicated about it really. If you're not one of the dads who feels it right away, don't let that worry you. It will happen - just give your baby lots of attention and it can't fail. It's the most natural thing in the world!