Tips for Dating a Woman Who Has Been Sexually Abused
How to Move Past Pain and Enter into a Healing Relationship
The reason more men aren't aware of this? Women generally don't want to talk about the abuse they've suffered. Many try to "act normal" - they put on a facade while trying to repress and forget the memory of the abuse. Suppressing the trauma only makes it worse, and these women often end up developing a serious disconnect from healthy relationships. This is not due only to their actions resulting from their private pain. Chances are a good number of these women are forced not only to suffer in silence, but also to bear the social stigma of being a "prude" or a woman with "issues." The misunderstanding and insensitivity these women face only serves to alienate them further.
It doesn't have to be this way. Women who have been abused can heal, move on, and form healthy, happy sexual relationships. A large factor in this is the man involved in the relationship. If you're involved with a woman who has suffered sexual abuse, you can go a long way toward giving her the support she needs to heal.
1. Educate yourself on the effects of sexual abuse. While you may never be able to understand the violation your partner experienced, do what you can to learn. Resources on sexual abuse abound online, in magazines, and in the library. Make an effort to understand what your partner is going through.
2. Don't push her to talk about the experience, but make sure she knows you're ready to listen if she does want to discuss it with you. Know that you'll likely have to prove your trustworthiness over and over in other facets of the relationship before she will feel comfortable trusting you with knowing the details of this, her most humiliating and traumatic experience.
3. Don't ever pressure her to have sex. Unwanted touching or sexual pressure will only reinforce her sense of distrust. Women who have been sexually abused often develop extreme low self-esteem - they believe they're good for nothing but "that." In addition, sexual pressure will add guilt on top of her fear. Don't let yourself believe she's not aware of your needs; she undoubtedly is, and she's likely wrestling with her own emotions and the knowledge that she's "depriving" you of sex. This is not to say you can't be intimate, but you must go slow and speak with her to define her boundaries. Pay attention to her outward signals, and be ready to back off.
4. Be sensitive, but not pitying. If your partner has come far enough to tell you about the sexual abuse she experienced, she may exhibit a heightened awareness of your attitude toward her - i.e., if you now consider her to be "damaged goods." Try to refrain from apologizing for what's happened to her. She may interpret this as your feeling sorry for her, and she may resent you for it. Possibly the best thing you can do for her after this revelation is to simply be present and listening. A common communication complaint amongst women, against men, is men tend to be "problem solvers" rather than listeners. While women only want someone to listen and commisserate, men want to take action and "fix it." You can't "fix" a woman who has experienced sexual abuse. You can only be there for her while she finds her own healing, hopefully in part through her relationship with you.
5. Above all, be patient. It may at times feel like you're bending over backward to cater to her emotions, but if you truly wish to pursue a meaningful, healthy relationship, you'll have to be patient. Frustration, anger and resentment on your part will only serve to add to her distress, drive a deeper wedge between you, and possibly destroy whatever progress you've already made in becoming close to her. You must be dedicated to being there for your partner and offering the support she needs, or your relationship may have the potential to cause even more damage. She's experienced betrayal and humiliation on the deepest level, and if she senses or experiences more hurt from you, it will only strengthen her reluctance and withdrawal.
Women who have been sexually abused can and do heal from the abuse. If your partner has been abused, you're in a unique position to help her on her road to healing. Make an effort to help and not hurt.
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- 1. Women who have been abused often have difficulty discussing the abuse.
- 2. Sexual dysfunction is a serious issue for women who have been abused.
- 3. She doesn't want you to "fix" her; just be there to support her in her healing.
28 Comments
Post a Commentthank you helpful !
its very painfull to be sexually abused however men should never put the blame on their fiance because they also at one point have abused someone in their life
Even though this atical is amined at men i have found it very interesting. there is no way that they could ever understand what you have been though and each case is different. We were made in Gods image so why is there this evil? i can't answer that, but i know it is there as i have been there. had a lovely relationship since, but not all things work out. since he has gone though all my fear and pain from what has happened has come back why i ask myself?
I think this article is great. My girlfriend has disclosed to me her long history of several forms of abuse including sexual abuse beginning at a very young age.
Gentlemen, this is one of the most difficult situations to be in. I love my girlfriend to death, and I feel I have to protect her from anything. I want to make sure nothing else happens to her. I want to heal her from all her pain.
At the same time it is so difficult, because I cannot heal her. She sometimes has flashbacks during sex, or has other symptoms which to me are related to her trauma. I try to be understanding and patient, and this is very difficult. I don't know what to do most of the time. I feel like in the beginning I was very sensitive and protective of her (I cursed out my sisters and my mother because they were insensitive to here even though they know nothing about her) to the point where I might have been treating her differently. I just felt I had to keep her safe. At one point about a year int
Ted and Lee! You guys are really awesome. I suffered a long history of abuse, physical and emotional, starting with an incident when I was four. I'm just getting involved with someone, the first guy I've met in ten years who I think I can build something with. I've had lots of therapy and done things to build myself as an individual but the hard work for me surrounds relationships. I had to laugh (I'm at a point where I can laugh at some things) when you stated your girlfriend seems okay if she's initiating things but get weirded out if you do. I think the best thing you can do for yourselves is to be communicative about how your feeling with your girlfriend. (you might have to weigh this with where she is in recovery). You might feel you're further "burdening" her, but at the same time it's not a good dynamic to build into a relationship. It's the fastest route to resentment. Communicate, communicate, communicate. We survivors don't want to be pitied, the one thing we yearn
(cont) to gain some semblance of control over this condition and people with PTSD grapple with it and the other effects of abuse on a daily basis. Doing even simple daily tasks can be affected by the trauma. If anything, this is a testament of their courage and strength.
Also, I'd like to mention to the poster "dude": why do you think that most women have some sort of trauma? Do you think, perhaps, that women are much more likely to victimized because of the sociocultural placement of women in our society? Don't you think that there are reasons for this? When our culture stops seeing women as second class citizens, sexual oppression will also cease. That is why it is critical to increase awareness about sexual abuse and to keep perpetrators responsible for their behavior. Survivors did NOTHING to ask for this to happen to them, so stop making them the focus. We should be asking, "Why do perpetrators feel the need to rape/molest/sexually assualt/control? Why can't THEY be normal?"
I am a DV/SA advocate and I want to attest that PTSD is a real condition, however, not everyone develops PTSD as a result of trauma. Every person has a different variety of buffers (protective factors) and variables that increase the risk of developing PTSD, however, it is unethical to devalidate other people's trauma. Abuse is abuse; there is no worse or better. It is all horrendous and it does no one any good to place a hierarchy within it. We should be more concerned with stopping abuse and sexual trauma and the perpetrators responsible for it; not the survivors! Moreover, just because one person on this forum does not grapple with PTSD does not mean it is not a reality for others.
To ask someone who has been traumatized to "just get over it" is a tall order. Abuse and sexual trauma physically alter the brain, especially if the abuse stems from childhood. It is the equivalent of asking that person to alter their brain chemistry. It takes a significant amount of therapy and time
(continued) ready to talk about what happened. Be patient, do not judge and if you care about your woman~ spend time understanding her. Because you will have given her a chance to feel free and that is a gift that both of you can share.
(continued) the space to learn to feel safe again...and it takes time~ sometimes I get flashbacks of emotions and I just, freak out...but I want to help him understand because I do not what him to feel that it is his fault, emotions are not always rational or under my conscious control.
I'm learning not to blame myself anymore, I'm learning to trust somebody else with my body and luckily, he has shown me how much I can trust him~ he doesn't put pressure on me, he helps me psychologically by allowing me to talk through the way I'm feeling and bring me to a more 'positive' place. It took me a while to understand that when he told me in bed that 'this is about you, not me'; he really meant it. I don't think he's a wuss for it, he's more of a man because of it. He's helping me to heal, so I can finally get on with my life again- and I have so much respect for him because of this. I deserve to lead a happy relationship now, I spent too long in the dark and I met him at a time when I was r
I have a problem with this article, one because it suggests that sexually abused is childhood abuse. I was never abused as a child, but between the age of 16-17 I was in a sexually abusive relationship and only 4 years on have I managed to finally make steps to get over it. It damaged me psychologically, I blamed myself for not walking away (I'm a very confident person who knows her own mind, yet I don't know how I messed up so badly), it changed the way I felt about myself sexually and I could never manage to get close to anybody since. The thought of things going wrong again scared me intensely, or the romance killer of having to explain to somebody that I was abused, stopped me from becoming intimate with anyone- and that is NOT what I wanted, NOT what I wanted that stupid boy to scar me with...my frustration and anger towards myself, my body, my situation built until I blocked everything out completely. Only now am I with a man who is so patient, understanding and caring that I hav