Tips for Dealing with Your Boyfriend's Anger

Does your boyfriend frequently communicate with you in anger? Are you unsure on what you should do about your boyfriend's anger? For tips on what you can do to deal with your boyfriend's anger, I have interviewed psychotherapist Sid Kramer, LCSW.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
" Sid Kramer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who maintains a private practice in the Oklahoma City area. He is a Clinical Member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Since 1980, he has worked with individuals and couples in the area of anger management and relationship concerns."

What type of impact can anger have on a relationship?
"Anger and frustration are a part of every intimate relationship to one degree or another. Each partner is continually trying to get his or her needs met through the relationship and, since partners (and relationships) are almost always imperfect, when needs are thwarted, anger is the resulting feeling. Having said that, anger can have either a positive or negative impact on relationships depending on how it is managed by each partner. If a person can reflect on their anger and learn to communicate it in a respectful and assertive manner, it can help the couple to grow and learn how to compromise. If anger is expressed in a hurtful, demeaning and in a controlling manner, it will almost always have a destructive impact on the relationship. Likewise, if a person bottles up their angry feelings or expresses them in a passive-aggressive manner, it can have a destructive effect on intimacy in the relationship."

What are some tips for dealing with your boyfriend's anger?
"Each person must consistently work on listening to their partner's complaints, or expressions of anger and frustration, and seeing if that energy can be turned into solutions and compromise. If a woman is in a relationship in which her boyfriend is repeatedly hurtful and / or controlling with his anger, she is going to need to address this with him clearly and consistently. She can set boundaries with him, e.g. 'I will not talk to you about this when I feel demeaned, threatened, afraid, etc. but will promise to talk it out when we can compromise and work toward a solution to the problem'. Nothing can be accomplished when a woman is fearful of her boyfriend getting angry so, if this is the case, it must be addressed.

It's important to remember that most couples experience a build up of frustration and anger and this occasionally can result in a 'blow up' or the notorious 'big fight'. These are almost always opportunities for a couple to gain a better understanding of each other and a 'working through' towards a solution of a pesky or persistent problem area."

What type of professional help is available for someone that is having a difficult time dealing with her boyfriend's anger?
"Sometimes (but not always), a woman, in an abusive or controlling relationship, has low self-esteem and may need to work with a therapist on this issue before she feels she can set appropriate boundaries. Likewise, men who have a pattern of being abusive will need to be strongly encouraged to seek out therapy to learn better coping skills and communication techniques. Many times, a course of individual therapy can go along way towards helping a man work with his anger on his own to gain insight into the roots of his anger issues. It may be triggered by an untreated depression or anxiety disorder . "

Thank you Sid for doing the interview on tips for dealing with your boyfriend's anger. For more information on Sid Kramer or his work you can check out his website on www.kramertherapy.com .

Recommended Readings:
Strategies For Improving Communication with Your Spouse

How to Improve Communication in Your Marriage

Effectively Communicating with Your Spouse