Tips for Effective Stepparenting

Over 30 years ago, when I was basically a kid myself, I married a man that had custody of his two sons. I became a wife and full-time stepmother - the ultimate package deal. I was one of three daughters and had no idea what it was like to be around little boys. I learned a few things right away:

They belch during dinner.
They talk with their mouths full.
They must be forced to put on clean clothes each day.
Their rooms smell like dirty socks.
To them, nothing is funnier than bodily noises.
They are open, honest, funny, mischievous, and sweet.

At first, I felt like I was living someone else's life. There were days when I wondered what I'd gotten into and, more importantly, why. It became easier after we settled into a routine, but there were still good days "hell-days." Being a parent isn't fun and games everyday. This is real life!

Here's how they became my children, and I became their mom. They were both six years old. (They were born eleven months apart.) My husband had gotten custody of them a year earlier, when their biological mother remarried. It was unusual then for a father to have custody, but the man she married didn't want the boys.

I loved them from the start. They were smart, funny, and sensitive. But kids don't survive being given up by their mother without scars. They felt unloved and abandoned by the person who was supposed to love them always and unconditionally. They thought something was wrong with them that made her give them up.

She had visitation rights, but contact was sporadic. Soon after she remarried, she had another baby, which confused the kids more. They didn't understand why she wanted that child, but not them which was how they saw it. I can't say what her feelings were or what they are all these years later. All I know is that her actions and inattention caused a lot of pain.

Within a year, they began to call me mom. We never talked about it, it just happened one day. Until then, they had called me by my first name, which was fine. It didn't matter what they called me as long as it wasn't something hateful! Many things they probably wanted to call me come to mind, but luckily, they kept those to themselves.

The boys were in 1st and 2nd grade, and academically, everything was great. Sadly, the scars I mentioned earlier were beginning to show and were an issue at school. There were discipline problems, problems with authority, etc. We began family counseling, which I think helped me more than them. I learned what divorce and abandonment issues do to children, and I learned some techniques to help deal with it.

In a perfect world, I'd say that we got counseling and there weren't any more problems, but again, this is real life. What I can tell you is that the boys are men now - both in their thirties. They have given me two beautiful grandsons, and they mean the world to me. They are my kids in every way that counts.

Whether the kids live with you or just visit on weekends, step parenting is tough. The tips below are a combination of things I learned back then; things I wish I'd known back then; and things I have figured out since I've gotten older.

Please understand that I am not a therapist, counselor, psychologist, etc. If you have any feeling whatsoever that your child, step or biological, has problems that you aren't equipped to deal with, consult a professional immediately. Get referrals from your primary care physician, check with your insurance company for names of mental health professionals that are on your plan, or check with the Guidance Counselor at school.

Be yourself - Being extremely perceptive, kids can spot a fake from a mile away. If you try to be anything but your honest self, they'll know. I know stepparents who have tried to "buy" the kids, but it never works. They won't love or respect you more because you spend money on them. They'll see you as a sucker and get everything they can from you! I also know some who have tried to be their stepchild's coolest friend. I'm in favor of being friends with your kids, but first and foremost, you must be the parent.

Respect them - Just because they are kids doesn't mean that they do not deserve respect for who they are and how they feel. You might not understand their feelings, but that doesn't mean that they do not have them. Respect them, and they will respect you.

Don't criticize their real parent - You might think that their parenting skills are lacking, and you might be right, but it is that child's parent. You wouldn't want someone saying hateful things about your parents. This is tough, and believe me, there were times when I could barely keep my mouth shut.

Toss out unreasonable expectations - I had visions of how wonderful and perfect motherhood would be Leave It to Beaver syndrome. When it didn't turn out that way, I was shocked and disappointed. Accept that things won't be perfect, be grateful for what is good, and get on with life.

Don't try to force a relationship - The kids have someone new in their life, and it isn't someone that they chose! Give them time to adjust. Don't hover or try to force them to talk about their feelings. They do need to talk, but it will most likely not be with you at first. Encourage relationships with people they would be comfortable talking to - a grandparent, aunt, or uncle.

Discuss discipline with your spouse-to-be before the wedding - Agree on what your role will be. I believe that stepparents need some disciplinary rights. If the biological parent is the only one who can discipline, what happens when he/she is away and a situation arises that requires immediate attention? Also discuss methods of discipline - if you believe in spanking, if you prefer grounding, time-out, etc.

Don't implement changes in routine right away - Children need structure, but too much change, too quickly, doesn't work. Before implementing a change, be sure it's really important. Maybe they aren't doing everything "your way," but how they are doing it might work for them. For example, their bedtime is 9:00 pm. You think it should be 8:30 pm. Unless they are having trouble waking up in the morning or falling asleep at school, is it really an issue? Apply the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" rule.

Don't be overly sensitive - Children say what they are thinking. When angry or hurt, they'll say things like "You're not my mother," or "I hate you," etc. I've heard them all, and yes, it hurts, but remember that it's a difficult time for everyone. I am not implying that children should be free to say hurtful things without consequences just don't overreact. Remember that everyone lashes out when going through tough times. If I had a nickel for every time my feelings got hurt, I would be on a cruise right now instead of sitting at the computer.

Don't compete for your spouse's attention - You are newlyweds, and you want to spend as time together as possible. But remember that you made the decision to marry someone with kids, and you are the grown-up. When children are involved, couples must plan their alone time in advance. If you can't handle that, you would be best off not to marry someone who has kids.

Don't get caught up in power struggles - Jealousy is a human emotion, and kids feel it when a parent's attention is taken from them. They will use any means necessary to get that attention back - act out, misbehave, even create situations where the parent has to spend more time with them. If you understand what they are doing and why, you can choose not to overreact. Find a subtle way to let them know that even though their mom or dad is married to you, he/she will always have time for them.

Be as nurturing as possible - Let them know they are important. Make a big deal about good grades, sports accomplishments, etc. Everyone likes praise for a job well done. Have fun, laugh, play games, watch movies. Pay attention to them.

My best advice - Give yourself a break. There are countless mistakes to be made, and I made all of them, but the sky didn't fall, and my kids survived. Don't expect perfection and don't feel badly about mistakes and wrong decisions. Just love them and do the best you can.

I remember my mom saying "I wouldn't take a million dollars for the kids I have, but I wouldn't give a penny for another one." She was my biological mom. If she can feel that way, it must be OK for stepparents!