Tips on How to Explain Your Ex-Husband's Younger Wife to Children Under 10

So you were the starter wife. You were loyal, bore the children, and were on your way to raising them to become well adjusted adults when their father left and pursued a younger woman. Dating a female young enough to be carded is one thing, but marrying her and making her a part of the family puts a brand new burden on your shoulders. While you may or may not still be reeling, it's at least partially up to you to make sure that your children accept their new stepmother as a part of their lives as gracefully as possible. Rather than inciting a mommy war, consider the following quick tips on how to explain your ex-husband's younger wife to children under ten years of age to ensure that they adapt to their new extended family with minimal drama.

Tip #1: Don't compete. She's younger, she's probably hipper, and she's more likely to know what you're kids are into as far as fashion, toys, and video games go. Let's face it, her childhood years were more recent than yours. However, you have your own unique qualities that she most likely cannot offer. You are mommy, after all, and children under ten still have a tremendous need for the one who eases tummy aches and scares away bad dreams. Rather than trying to offer exactly what your ex-husband's new wife does, simply enhance your own qualities. There is enough room in your children's lives for two interesting female role models who care for them deeply, and they certainly don't have to be identical. Enrich their lives by highlighting the positive in the both of you.

Tip #2: Don't focus on the numbers. Constantly reiterating to your children that their stepmother is young enough to be their sister isn't necessary. They can count, and soon enough they'll put it all together. Instead, focus on teaching your children to treat their new stepmother with the respect she deserves as an adult, even if she reminds you a bit of a zygote. She's still their elder.

Tip #3: As difficult as it may be, consider using a title for your children's young stepmother until she has established what they should call her. Referring to her by her first name may inadvertently chip away at the respect they have for her, especially if she doesn't refer to you by yours. At the very least, precede her first name by "Miss" until you have all established what you are comfortable with. If she has the children call her by her first name, that's fine. If she's got them calling her a variation of "mom" that you're not comfortable with, you can find a suitable alternative.

Tip #4: Refrain from using demeaning words such as "little," "girl," or "young" in front of your children when referring to your ex-husband's wife. If she'll be around for a while, they'll need to view her as a capable adult, even if you do not. While you may be calling her "that young thing" in front of friends, painting your children's stepmother as a child herself in their presence may hurt their ability to respect or trust her.

Tip #5: Try not to make a production out of the marriage announcement merely due to the bride's age. If it's up to you to announce to your kids that their father is remarrying, try to refrain from showing your shock about the fact that the bride is barely legal. Adjusting to a new stepmother is already a daunting task for children under ten, and making the transition even more difficult by emphasizing that their new parental figure can't get into an R-rated movie without flashing her license isn't necessary.

Tip #6: Don't overcompensate for her shortcomings. In an attempt to make your children more comfortable with their stepmother you may accidentally paint her as a younger version of yourself. While your efforts are well intentioned, portraying a twenty-three year old as responsible, mature, motherly, and attentive before you truly have any idea if that's true or not may not be a good idea. Instead of trying to overcompensate for what you feel might be her shortcomings, give your children's young stepmother a chance to make mistakes, learn from them, and develop her relationship with her stepchildren on her own.

Tip #7: Don't let your insecurities show, if you have any. Asking your children if they'll still have fun with you or insisting that they show you loyalty may be a mistake. No one can replace you, so continue to fill your role with confidence.

Remember, helping children under ten adapt to a new young stepmother is all about putting their development and health first. They'll have questions, and they'll have concerns as time goes by. They may even become angry at the fact that their father has married someone so much younger than yourself. Help them adjust to their new lives by leading them, as their mother, into a respectful and open relationship with their dad's new wife.