Tips for Getting Your Toddler to Listen and Behave

Toddlers make it their mission in life to test your limits and your resolve. My little one is just a little more than 3 years old. The old myth about "Terrible Twos" is just that...it's the terrible THREES that they should warn you about. Getting a toddler or preschooler to behave, especially in public is easily done (most times!!!) with some very simple tactics that can be tweaked to fit your own needs. These methods have been derived from watching countless hours of Supernanny, reading three years worth of Parents Magazine, and a few lucky accidents on my part in discovering what works with my toddler.

First, from Supernanny, something that really works is the eye level/low voice combination. If you simply call out instructions to my toddler from across the room, she's already forgotten it by the time your sentence is over. And it's a lot easier for a toddler to blow you off, if you aren't standing there to enforce what you just requested. Jo-Jo recommends getting to the toddler's eye level, getting eye contact and speaking in low tones. The eye contact ensures that they are paying attention to you and the low level of your voice means that they really have to listen to hear what you are saying. This is also very handy in public because you don't join in the yelling when your toddler REALLY wants that Elmo toy. Something that I added to this technique that seems to work most of the time is to say something along the lines of "I know you are upset, but I can't understand you when you are yelling/whining/crying." This way, the child knows that you hear them (you and the rest of the store) and you are validating the upset feelings, but they calm down. This is when you change the subject or run in the opposite direction of the item that caused the meltdown in the first place. Another thing that works is indirectly involving total strangers. I will pick a random person, preferably someone who isn't aware of his or her involvement and simply tell my daughter that the person doesn't want to hear her cry. For some reason, she cares that strangers don't like it, even if she couldn't care less about my not liking it.

Another hot button issue is leaving something fun. Take the playground. It drives me absolutely crazy to sit and watch a parent say "one more time" TEN times. It just teaches the child that you don't mean what you say...that or you are preparing them for a dismal time in math class. Anyway. If you say "one more time," leave after they do it one more time. When your child realizes that you mean what you say, it will relate to everything. No dessert if you don't eat your peas, no favorite TV shows if you don't pick up your toys, whatever. I have my daughter say "goodbye, see you next time" to the playground as we leave. It helps her get closure on the fun time she just had, but also helps her understand that it's not a forever goodbye. She'll get to come back next time.

Another great way to get your toddler's cooperation is to give them a choice-that isn't really a choice. Kind of like "Heads I win, Tails you lose." It works like a charm because they think that they are picking an option, but both options are the outcome that YOU want. If they won't get dressed at all, pick out 2 outfits and let them pick. If they won't go to bed say they can go on their own or you can carry them to bed. If they won't pick up their toys say they can go in the toy box or they can go into the trash. (And try not to laugh when they actually pick up one of the toys and put it in the trash as if calling your bluff.)

Two things that I came up with on my own and are by far the best in my arsenal: the phrase "Whenever you're ready" and simply holding out my hand, looking away and waiting. Combined, these are absolutely unstoppable. It took a few days until it "took" but once it did, that is all I have to do at bedtime to get her to come with me and get her PJs on and brush her teeth. It really is as simple as that. Make your request, wait for the refusal, say "whenever you're ready," don't make eye contact as you hold out your hand in the child's direction (you don't need them to listen you need them to come to you, so you don't need to make eye contact), and within a few minutes you will feel a little hand grasping your finger. Like I said, it will take a bit for this to work, but once you have made them realize that you are going to stand there waiting with your hand out until they go with you, they will come. It's like Field of Dreams. Plus it's also putting the ball in their court making it about when they are ready, they think it's their choice to come with you.

The last one will draw some fire, but I don't really mind once you know the back story The "threat" of a hand smack. One day my daughter started to reach up onto the stove which had several hot burners. I smacked her hand away, more out of reflex than anything. It surprised her, and it may have stung her fingers for a few seconds, but I will bet the house that it didn't hurt as much as burning her whole hand would have, so judge all you want, I smacked her hand. This has turned out to be a very happy accident. Now all I have to do is remind her of the smack and it stops the unwanted behavior. It's a last resort, but she remembered that one time, and it still works. And no, I don't spank my child.

One thing I do not recommend is threatening with a trip to the doctor. I made the mistake of doing this when she would do things that could potentially harm her. "Don't jump on the bed, you'll fall and have to go to the doctor." Don't eat the paper, it'll hurt your belly and you'll have to go to the doctor." Now she's afraid of the doctor. Shocking, isn't it? So now I use "hospital" or you'll have to get a shot so that she doesn't get worked up about her regular check-ups anymore. It's a slow process, but the last trip to the doctor was actually a success.

All kids are different and may or may not respond to these techniques, all I ask is that you try. Whenever you're ready.