Tips for Handling 10 Troublesome Tween Attitudes

Tweens try on different personalities, some of which come packaged with 'attitudes:' the infamous eye roll, the "you are the dumbest person I've ever met" tone of voice, the shrieking "it's your fault"-sound familiar? The reflexive impulse says clamp down. However, I've found it more effective to do the opposite.

My main approach is to nurture the positive, but when vexatious attitudes surface, I use these tips to deal with them:

Eye Rolls and Other Rudeness

Whether I see an eye roll or hear a rude comment directed my way, I pull the same tools out of my parental toolkit. I ask my tween politely to stop. If the noxious behavior continues, I deprive her of her audience. That's something completely within my control, and it fits my 'natural consequences' parenting philosophy.

Negativity and Fault-Finding

When my tween finds fault with absolutely everything, I let her express some negativity and even some harsh judgments. If she blames me for her problems in passing, I graciously overlook it. But if the negativity and fault-finding is getting out of hand, I ask her to tell me something good that happened today.

Superiority: Know-It-All and Holier-than-Thou

Displays of superiority take two common forms, the know-it-all and holier-than-thou. Whatever her reason for acting superior, my tween doesn't really think she is. I stash my frustration, knowing she's probably feeling insecure. Gentle probing as to what's behind the attitude is more effective at getting her to reconsider the attitude than chastising her.

Hates the World

When my tween declares that she hates everyone, I know she's hurting. Instead of pointing out the obvious, I'll listen to her for awhile, then ask some gentle questions. Does that friend she hates have any good qualities at all? Has she ever done anything as awful as this friend has done? There's no immediate turn-around with this approach, but it does lead to a slightly more flexible attitude over time.

Everybody Hates Me

The rapidly changing alliances among tweens can leave them feeling like their peers hate them. My response to "everyone hates me" is simple reassurance. "I love you." Sometimes that's all a tween needs to hear.

Nothing Matters

A "so-what?" attitude may be masking fear or anxiety, according to Dr. Liza Wilson of the University of Alabama. When a tween blows off a parent's concerns, he probably has concerns of his own he's not sharing. He may need support rather than judgment.

Declaration of Independence

It's hard not to take rejection of parental authority personally, so I remind myself this is only my tween's awkward effort to transition from childhood to adulthood. To avoid stifling her nascent attempts at growing up, I give her plenty of leeway to experiment while gently insisting she toe the line on important stuff.

Impossible

"I can't" may mean anything from "I'm afraid," to "I'm embarrassed," or "I don't want to." Figuring out what's behind the declaration of impossibility is key to moving past it.

Sources:

How to Deal with Your Tween's Attitude

Dealing with Tweenage Attitude

Tween Behaviors Can Challenge