Tips on Handling the Diagnosis of Autism or Asperger's

The diagnosis of autism can be shattering knowledge for some families. Their beautiful, otherwise healthy child has this 'disorder' that will change everyone's lives. Other children in the family may not understand what the fuss is about. Or they may already be frustrated with how their sibling doesn't act the way they think they should.

How do you live with someone who is autistic? How do you cope once you have the diagnosis? How do you cope before you ever get a proper diagnosis? What do you do with this family member who is above and beyond what most people would consider odd?

Same way as you would with anyone else. You adapt, you have your patience tested at every turn and in the end you somehow do whatever you need to make things work. Whether the autistic individual is a sibling or your own child, you learn to deal with their quirks and oddities, just like you do with every other member of the household.

Of course, that's all easier said than done. Autism brings its own set of quirks and challenges, to say the least. It's how the family perceives their autistic family member both before and after the diagnosis that can make all the difference in not only coping but thriving with this learning disability.

Patience and education are usually the best places to start. Not only do we need to learn what autism is and isn't, but we need to learn how to work around and/or with a particular individual's idiosyncrasies both within and beyond the syndrome itself. We must learn about autism in general, but we also need to learn who this particular family member is as an individual.

There is a lot of information available on what autism is, how it manifests and theories for why. For now, I am going to bypass much of this aspect to address the more specific and immediate concern of dealing with an individual within the family. How do you relate to your sibling, child or other family member who quite literally lives in a different world from yourself?

One of the most important things for the non-autistic family members to learn is patience. The autistic individual is going to deal with life on a very different level from what you're used to and understanding is going to come much more slowly not only for the autistic individual but for the surrounding family and friends, not to mention the rest of the world at large. Most autistics have not been born with certain social tools that the rest of us take for granted. Most basics of relating to other people are going to have to be painstakingly taught right along with certain other educational basics. And even then, their grasp of what the rest of the world is like and how to interact with it is most likely going to be limited for their entire life. Keep your hopes high, but your expectations in check. There is no real timetable for learning for anyone - everyone learns at their own pace - but autistics are going to be slower than most in certain aspects of their life, especially when it comes to relating to other people. In other ways, they may surprise you with how lightning quick they pick up on certain other ideas and concepts.

For example, autistics generally obsess on certain subjects &/or objects. To help relate to your particular family member, it helps to learn what the autistic person finds interesting. For one individual, this might mean they love butterflies - to the point that their room is wall-papered in butterfly pictures and filled with butterfly toys. For another, trucks might be the thing, right down to the movements and actions that the machines make - so much so in some cases that getting them to talk in anything but 'truck' can be difficult. Another example, taken from the movie 'Rainman' but based on real cases, is the savant - an individual with above genius abilities in math or chess or some other highly intellectual pursuit. Some may memorize full poetic sonnets while others will only repeat the same noises over and over. And a single individual may have more than one thing that they are obsessive about or excessively good at. The possibilities are as endless as there are people on the face of the planet. What does your particular family member find interesting? What are they capable of? Emphasizing what they know and can do versus what they don't can make all the difference in creating a more positive environment for everyone in the family.

Once you've discovered the one or more things that the autistic relates to, learn what you can about the subject. Especially try to learn it from your autistic family member directly if possible. Sometimes you can use this common ground to open up dialogues into other subjects. Butterflies can lead to flowers and trees and clouds. Trucks can lead to streets and people who run the trucks. You can help expand the autistic mind into other ideas and concepts connected to yet separate from their mania. At the very least, you have a basic place to start in trying to relate to your family member in general.

In many ways, dealing with the autistic individual can seem easy when compared to dealing with the rest of the world. Misperceptions abound and to make things worse, each autistic is an individual and therefore does not always fit the 'mold' of autism as others believe it to be. Well-meaning strangers or even family and friends who have not dealt with autism before are likely to offer well-meant yet inappropriate advice, especially when the autistic individual has not been fully or properly diagnosed. And even those who do know something about the disorder may offer out-dated or otherwise inappropriate advice as it relates to your particular family member. Best advice for these situations is the same as for accepting any other well-meant but badly aimed advice. Smile and nod, re-educate the other person if possible and then do what you know in your heart to be the right thing for your family.

Along with dealing with the unsolicited advice, how do you deal with the stares, the pitying looks or other odd glances? How do you deal with the occasional rude comment? You don't have to 'deal' with them at all. However severe the autism may be, this is still a beloved member of your family and deserving of support and respect just like everyone else. Never allow yourself to feel badly because of other peoples' misperceptions. You know what you are dealing with and how hard it is. Allow yourself to take pride in the fact that you are dealing with it well.

Autism is a different way of seeing and dealing with the world, but it is just as valid as any other view. I can't count how many times my son has made me laugh or perhaps think deeply as he offers his opinion or observation on a subject. His view of the world is very different, but I have found both a new kind of comedy and some eerie truths through his eyes and ears. And in the end, he is my son. He is a beloved member of the family, no matter his idiosyncrasies. He has his own way of contributing and is appreciated for it.

So how do you cope with an autistic family member?

You just do.