Tips on How to Help Your Adolescent Overcome Social Anxiety

Overall life can be difficult for an adolescent that is coping with social anxiety. To help understand where social anxiety can stem from for an adolescent and for tips on what a parent can do to help their adolescent overcome social anxiety, I have interviewed psychotherapist Fred Hillebert LCSW-C, LCADC.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

"I received a Master's in Social Work from the University of Maryland, Baltimore. I currently work in private practice in Hagerstown, Maryland. I work with youth who are eleven years of age or older. I also work with adults. I meet my student client's at school, at their homes, and at my office. I sometimes think I'm still a teenager."

Where could social anxiety for an adolescent stem from?

"The short answer is that social anxiety stems from an excessive fear of rejection and humiliation. The following beliefs justify the fear. 1. "I will be the focus of attention". 2. "People will focus on my flaws". 3. "People can tell I am nervous". 4. "I have to make a good impression (but I can't because they are looking at my flaws and they see I am nervous)". 5. "Failure to make a good impression is humiliating".

Research on how those beliefs reveal a range of conditions, environments, and responses that contribute to the presence of social anxiety. No one single factor can guarantee the development of social anxiety, nor does a child have to have all or most of the conditions to develop social anxiety. Here are the risk factors for social anxiety:

A child has a greater chance of developing social anxiety if either parent has a history of social anxiety. The genetic factor (nature) may account for a third of the possibility of social anxiety developing. Environment (nurture) also shapes the result. A toddler observes his socially anxious parent react to people and associates the presence of people with fear. Being born a boy or a girl can be a factor. More girls than boys are diagnosed with social anxiety. The importance of social approval may be hard-wired differently into male and female brains. Social pressures and media messages about matching up to desirable gender traits may also create a space for social anxiety to grow. Socio-economic factors, such as low family income and limited education appear to add to the risk. Geographic relocation can catch some children at critical developmental phases. A change of school and neighborhood can shake a child's sense of identity and acceptance in relation to others. Critical and controlling parenting can prime the child for social anxiety. Harsh or frequent criticism of a child's performance builds the child's belief that negative evaluation is the norm for human interaction. Parental approval only for performing "pleasing" behavior can form a child's belief that the single measure of his or her social value is the ability to act according to other people's standards. The drive for approval forces the child's social identity to become dependent on the opinions and evaluations of others, rather than his own sense of self. A parent who admonishes a child with, "What will people think?" sets the wheels of social self-doubt in motion. A child may learn to be hyper-sensitive to social signals, often misreading the signals as negative evaluations of his or her social performance. The misread signals then provide negative feedback on his or her social adequacy. A perfectionist parent models unrealistic expectations for social acceptance. An overprotective parent may try to save a child from social rejection by limiting the child's exposure to other children. Reduced social exposure limits the child's chances to practice social interaction. An anxious child perceives overprotective behavior as proof that he or she is odd and weak. The use of marijuana may worsen social anxiety by reinforcing avoidant behavior and increasing paranoid thoughts. Some people include their physical appearance as part of their social anxiety."

What type of impact can social anxiety have on an adolescent?

"Although rare, some children with severe social anxiety stop speaking to people outside of the family. School is the most common ground for social anxiety. School demands long periods of exposure to anxiety provoking activities. In order to avoid further exposure and extreme discomfort, many socially anxious school children report headaches and stomachaches. The payoff is a trip to the nurse's office, and the reduction of discomfort. Children often do not tell their parents that they have a fear of being judged by others. The fear is more often communicated as a dislike of certain classmates or teachers. Parents may labor heroically to modify their child's exposure to the disliked children, often finding that their child is still reluctant to go to school. Test-taking anxiety is a specific form of social anxiety that emerges as panic as the student starts taking a test. Test-taking anxiety involves the fear of failure and the exposure of the failure to others. Children with severe panic reactions cannot move beyond the first few questions of a test. Children with social anxiety are less likely to participate in classroom discussions. Socially anxious children often refuse to go to school. Some children and adolescents will use bullying as a coping behavior to conceal their social fear. Socially anxious adolescents are more likely to try marijuana and alcohol to blunt their fears. A socially anxious adolescent is more likely to use marijuana in the morning, before school starts, thus helping him make it through the school day. Adolescents with social anxiety are at a higher risk for depression and suicidal behavior. As adolescents begin dating, the potential for rejection increases. A socially anxious adolescent is more likely to view a break-up as a devastating judgment on his or her social acceptability. Most cases of social anxiety are evident before the age of fifteen. Social anxiety in childhood predicts social anxiety in adulthood. The effects of social anxiety on adults include lower paying jobs and difficulty initiating and maintaining romantic relationships."

What can a parent do to help their adolescent overcome social anxiety?

"Decrease your criticism of your child; and be aware of how you speak about others in front of your child. Analyzing and criticizing people within earshot of your child can instill ideas about how people typically view one another. Do not encourage critical reviews of his or her behavior. Asking a socially anxious child, "What could you have done better?" reinforces the value of negatively reviewing past behavior'"something socially anxious children do too much of. Instead, be an example of someone who finds contentment even in trying conditions. Increase appreciation for your child's efforts to participate in everyday activities. Encourage your child to take on more independent social interactions. Places like the shopping mall offer opportunities for building social self-confidence. Tell your tween or teen that today she will shop without mom or dad around. Send her into a small mall clothing store, with a budget and cash, and then wait at the entrance. She may beg you to come in with her, and you can calmly let her know that you know she can do it and that you will stand there till she does. Buying movie tickets and ordering food are other activities for your child to do independently. Shy children often rely on their parents in their effort to avoid social interaction. Your child may get you to maintain his social avoidance by asking you to order for him at a restaurant, or persuading you to call his baseball coach with a message. Be aware of your own issues with impressing people. Are you teaching your child that proper manners are more important than being genuine? Your child might learn that trying to please people is right; and, that feeling relaxed and confident is wrong. If you have social anxiety, seek professional help for your self. Your courage to defeat social anxiety will rub off on your child. Remember, what your child observes you doing goes much farther in shaping your child's beliefs than any advice you give your child."

What type of professional help is available for an adolescent that is having a difficult time overcoming social anxiety?

"Ideally, you would find a social anxiety therapy group for adolescents. Groups provide the social conditions that the adolescent needs to gain mastery in. The bad news is that therapy groups for socially anxious teens are hard to find. When choosing a therapist for your teen's individual therapy, ask how the therapist would proceed to work with your teen on social anxiety. Listen for keywords mentioned in this article. Try finding a high-energy therapist who is willing to get leave the office occasionally to meet your teen in public settings. The therapist can suggest on-the-spot behavioral experiments that challenge old assumptions and strengthen adaptive behavior. Therapy for social anxiety needs to include fun and excitement."

Thank you Fred for doing the interview on how a parent can help their adolescent overcome social anxiety. For more information about Fred Hillebert or his work you can check out his website at www.hagerstowncounseling.com.

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