Tips to Help Your Marriage Survive Mental Illness

Life with a mentally ill spouse can be very difficult. Whether the mentally ill spouse suffers from bi-polar disorder, depression, schizophrenia or another mental illness, the mental illness of one spouse often has devastating affect on marriage. Can your marriage survive your spouse's mental illness? Many factors determine the ability of your marriage to survive a spouse's mental illness but how you deal with the mental illness is the biggest factor.

Through personal experience and extensive research on mentally ill spouses I have come to realize that it is essential that every spouse of a mentally ill person know the following tips. These tips can mean the difference between whether or not their marriage can survive their spouse's mental illness.

Tip #1: Allow yourself to grieve. It is unlikely that you planned to spend your life with a mentally ill spouse or that you really understood how it would affect your life. Your marriage may have good and bad times like all others but your spouse's mental illness means that you will often not be able to depend upon your spouse during the bad times. When a treatment plan is successful you may have a normal relationship, but when treatment fails you may not. You do need to acknowledge that your marriage may never be all you had hoped for even if your mentally ill spouse do manage to avoid a divorce.

Tip #2: Educate yourself. When you are married to a mentally ill spouse it is imperative that you educate yourself about your spouse's mental illness. Learn all you can about symptoms, triggers and treatments of mental illness. There are many sources for education about mental illnesses. Books and the internet can provide a wealth of information about mental illness. In my opinion, the most outstanding educational opportunity for the spouse of someone who is mentally ill the Family to Family course offered free of charge by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). This course covers what family members need to know about mental illness more thoroughly than a college psychology class. If your marriage is going to survive your spouse's mental illness you will need to know everything you can about the disease.

Tip #3: Realize that you cannot fix your mentally ill spouse. Your mentally ill spouse may get better with treatment but just as you are not responsible for the mental illness, you cannot make it go away. Only your spouse can choose to seek and follow treatment. You can encourage your spouse but the ultimate responsibility for treatment lies with your spouse. Becoming an advocate for your mentally ill spouse can be the greatest givt you can give him or her. Do whatever you can to encourage and help while understanding that your mentally ill spouse must ultimately make their own decisions.

Tip #4: Take care of yourself. Often in a marriage, the spouse of someone who is mentally ill becomes the primary caregiver. You may find that responsibility for nearly everything in your family falls upon your shoulders because of your mentally ill spouse's inability unable to cope. In addition, because of the mental illness your spouse may be unable to work or, in the case of bi-polar disorder, may create major financial debt. I was told by a mentor who had a mentally ill family member that I needed to make certain I always had a job and could support my family. Unfortunately I didn't follow that advice and was blindsided when a severe episode occurred after many years of stability. The stress of being married to a mentally ill spouse can be overwhelming. Many formerly stable spouses require counseling and/or treatment with anti-depressants. Stress is hard on your brain and your body. Seek help before you become too overwhelmed. Also, don't allow yourself to become isolated. Keep in contact with friends and family, join a club or begin a hobby as way to continue to experience healthy relationships. Support groups can also be helpful. Sharing trials and successes with others who understand is a great way to help yourself and others. Support groups can be found through the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and local mental health agencies.

Tip #5: Never put yourself or your children in danger. Some mentally ill spouses would never harm anyone, except perhaps themselves. Others, especially bi-polar and schizophrenic patients, are more likely to become out of control during a severe episode or breakdown. Follow your instincts. If you feel that your mentally ill spouse may become verbally or physically abuse it may be time to consider moving out until your mentally ill spouse is being successfully treated. This can be a very tough decision but it is the most important one you will face. It does not mean you are abandoning your spouse but that you are saving yourself and your family.

Marriage to a mentally ill spouse will likely not be the exciting, beautiful journey you anticipated on your wedding day, but by taking time to grieve, educating yourself, realizing your limitations, taking care of yourself and keeping yourself safe you might just find that your marriage can survive. You'll also appreciate the good times even more.