Tips to Help Your Spouse Cope with Fibromyalgia

Is your spouse suffering from fibromyalgia? Are you unsure on what you can do to help your spouse cope with fibromyalgia? To help understand what type of impact fibromyalgia can have on marriage and what you can do to help your spouse cope with fibromyalgia, I have interviewed psychologist Peter C. Cousins, Ph.D., ABPP.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I have my doctorate in clinical psychology. I am Board Certified in Couple and Family Psychology, and like to think about how change occurs and how to find solutions which bring happiness, rather than pondering the possible causes of problems. I have a private practice in the Houston. I have been providing therapy for individuals, couples and families for the past 26 years. In my own work with clients I have been greatly influenced by the work of great psychologists such as Albert Ellis, Bernard Guerney, and Paul Watzlawick, and I enjoy hiking and music, but not at the same time."

How have you come to know about fibromyalgia?
"I have had my own personal journey with fibromyalgia, first getting diagnoses with something called 'Tension Myositis' by John Sarno, M.D., who was head of Outpatient Rehab at New York University's Rusk Rehabilitation Institute back in the late seventies. He helped me live with very few symptoms for many years. Sarno's diagnosis was well before the term fibromyalgia had come into being, but there were similar diagnostic criteria, including the necessity of tender points in several places in one's body. He has his own theories about what causes back pain, but the basics are that there is no structural damage in the vast majority of back and neck pain."

What are some symptoms of fibromyalgia?
"Besides the tender points, which is pain in response to pressure at prescribed places and locations, I am told, that are similar to acupressure points, as mentioned above, there tends to be chronic pain, which some refer to as pain intolerance or a lowered threshold for pain. It tends to co-occur with a variety of other symptoms such as poor sleep, fatigue, heightened sensitivity to light or noise, allergies, chronic digestive problems, bladder issues, stiffness in joints, and often co-occurring TMJ or other localized pain syndromes such as chronic headaches, chronic backaches, neck aches and so forth. It is considered a close cousin to chronic fatigue syndrome, although with fibromyalgia the pain is more prominent whereas in chronic fatigue, pain can be more minor or absent, and fatigue is the more debilitating symptom. Because of the pain and/or fatigue involved there are sometimes cognitive problems that accompany fibromyalgia, especially I believe if not treated, or improperly treated. Of course all of these things can and often do co-occur with anxiety and depression. Although depression can be a very physical disorder, fibromyalgia is somewhat of a different animal because the physical problems can exist within someone who does not have any of the typical depressive personality dynamics or depressive thoughts and feelings, at least in the early stages of the problem. Eventually enough uncontrolled pain is enough to make almost everyone feel down and depressed".

What type of impact can fibromyalgia have on someone's marriage?
"To start with, it is difficult for a spouse to understand a disorder where there are few if any objective physical findings. Of course they want to believe in their partners, but if some doctors consider it a controversial diagnosis, so do many spouses. So it is imperative that the spouse recognizes the disorder as real. It is helpful for partners to educate themselves, and understand the range of disabilities that people can have with this disorder, and what they as spouses might be able to do to help. If someone does not have the energy, or is unable to engage in a lot of things that they used to engage in because of pain, including sexual intimacy, then fibromyalgia can be the source of a lot of conflict and complicated hurt and angry feelings. These feelings need to be shared with one another, or else they will threaten the marriage and isolate partners further from each other, and compromises and solutions should be sought so both partners have some measure of satisfaction. Of course it can be very tiresome for the spouse of an afflicted person because many people with fibromyalgia are actually unable to work, or unable to share their load of the housework, and thus partners can feel that they are being put upon, or manipulated, when the person with fibromyalgia is often doing the best that they can. If a very significant depression has set in, I believe it can become much harder for the spouse to be supportive with a depressed person, because they may not seem to be doing everything that they can do to make the problem better. The person with depression may have subjective feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that set in, which can eventually become contagious."

How can someone help his or her spouse overcome fibromyalgia?
"Don't give up on your spouse, and if they want to give up, let them see that they may have not exhausted the resources that are available to help themselves with their problem. One may not be able to overcome fibromyalgia, but one can have a very satisfactory life with times of great happiness. To enjoy life to the fullest fibromyalgia cannot be allowed to rule one's life, so those with fibromyalgia need to learn to understand their own bodies, and have the support of others to help them with times of great pain or stress.

There are some basics that one to consider when helping their spouse cope with fibromyalgia. First and foremost, is to encourage them to find BOTH health and mental health providers that truly understand the disorder and can help treat it. There are many medications that help with the pain, as well as the many co-occurring problems such as sleep apnea, reflux, allergies, irritable bowel syndrome, TMJ, migraines, and so forth that may need to be addressed. Gentle exercise, massage, and some supplements also can make a positive impact. No matter what type of problem one has, depression and anxiety always make pain and disability worse. Someone with fibromyalgia cannot always eliminate all the physical pain that comes with this disorder but one can find ways to lessen the pain, manage the pain, and take care of their bodies and mind. Pain management methods, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy for depression and anxiety can be helpful. The Fibromyalgia Network is also a good source of a lot of useful tips and can keep people apprised of the scientific developments in the field."

What last words would you like for someone that is trying to help their spouse overcome fibromyalgia?
"There are support groups out there for your spouse, but I am not aware of support for spouses of people that suffer with this disorder. Make time for taking care of yourself and encourage your spouse to do the same, and if possible make a habit of sometimes doing this together. Secondly, accept that they may not be the best housekeeper, but that they can have abilities in other areas, such as empathy, understanding, or creativity, or whatever they might be. Understand that although your spouse may not be totally consistent with exercise, or self-care, that for the most part they are doing the best they can with a very difficult problem. Another thing to remember when your spouse is irritable or unhappy because their pain is great, do not take it personally . Finally, try not to let your spouse's disability limit what you are able to do for yourself, and help them stick to their own self care plan by asking them what kind of assistance they would like and providing that type of assistance whenever possible. Try and provide them with the help that they request, rather than what you think they might need."

Thank you Dr. Cousins for doing the interview on how someone can help their spouse cope with fibromyalgia. For more information on Dr. Peter Cousins or his work you can check out his website at www.changebringshappiness.com .