Tips for Helping Your Child Cope with Divorce

Divorce can be a difficult period of transition for any child however as a parent there are things you can do to help your child cope with the divorce. To help understand what type of an impact divorce can have on a child and for tips on helping your child cope with divorce, I have interviewed psychotherapist Amanda S Davison , LMFT.

Tell me about yourself.
"I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of The Family Connection, LLC in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I work with clients with issues such as mental health, coping with divorce, parenting, marital challenges, blended family dynamics, depression, anxiety, children struggling with issues, developmental disorders, body image, etc."

What kind of impact can divorce have on kids?
"The impact of divorce is different for each child and situation because each family is different. For families in high conflict, divorce can be beneficial. For example a child living in an abusive or high conflict environment. Children respond best to predictability and when the environment is chaotic it is often difficult for them to function. If divorce decreases the level of chaos and dysfunction, divorce can often be better for the children versus the high conflict marriage.

For some kids, divorce can be very challenging; particularly when they have not seen the struggles between the parents and they cannot comprehend the reasons parents would seek divorce as a viable option. Children are designed to be egocentric, perceiving that the world revolves around them, during early development and therefore may have a difficult time understanding why the two people they love the most are in separate places. This impact may be challenging for the children to cope with but not impossible, as children are resilient people."

What are some tips for helping your child cope with divorce?
"One of the best gifts you can give your child is to be open, honest and respectful using age appropriate language. This will help them to be better prepared for the upcoming changes that come with divorce. Children need to know that they can count on you as a trustworthy resource. In order to be the best that you can for your child, make sure that you are working through the feelings and thoughts that you have around the divorce by seeking professional help via counseling, books, support group or faith based support. By dealing with your emotions, you create space to help your child deal with their emotions, remembering that they will struggle with divided loyalties. Whatever, your issues were with the other parent; remember that this is an irreplaceable relationship for them. No one else can ever be their mother/father and therefore, helping to support that bond with your child's other parent is imperative to help them feel loved and supported. This means that half of who they are is based on the other parent and if you are referring to that parent in a derogatory manner, you are saying that half of them come from a 'bad' source.

Secondly, remember that the person you are divorcing will always be part of your life in some capacity because you share a child together. This is vital in looking at the divorce as the beginning of a new relationship, not expecting that because you have divorced the relationship is over. In order to help this new relationship progress for the benefit of your child, work to create clear boundaries and expectations for the co-parenting relationship as well as clear boundaries between the parent and child. Often time's children of divorce can be elevated to an equal status with a parent, negatively impacting their ability to be a child and complete the child appropriate tasks that are necessary for their development. Finally, work diligently towards creating a 'new normal' so that the child can predict what the changes in the environment and relationship will be following the divorce. This includes creating and keeping a clear parenting plan so that the child can predict where they will be and the expectations that will follow their new roles and environments."

What type is professional help is available for a child that is having a difficult time coping with divorce ?
"Professional help is available from a variety of resources including, individual, child and family therapists, school counselors , child and/or parent support groups, faith based organizations, collaborative divorce attorneys , books, etc. These services can be accessed in a variety of formats including one on one, group and/or family services. Not all services require substantial time or financial commitments. Services can be free or at a reduced out of pocket expense by utilizing insurance, community resources (i.e. library, internet, schools, faith based organizations, etc). Children are part of a larger dynamic system and not able to function independently, needing the various components of the system to work collaboratively in the child's best interest. The most important part of going through a divorce is to realize that you are not alone. Several people have successfully navigated these tumultuous waters, utilizing their experience and expertise is an invaluable asset."

Thank you Amanda for doing the interview on tips for helping your child cope with divorce. For more information on Amanda S Davison or her work you can check out her website at nmfamilyconnection.com

Recommended Readings:
How to Handle Divorce Anger

Helping Your Child Through Divorce and Separation

Recovering from Divorce