Tips on Helping Children Who Suffer from Non-verbal Learning Disorders

My 15 year old son was finally diagnosed nearly two years ago as high-functioning autistic with a side order of Asperger's. We have gone through the usual gamut of diagnoses over the years - ADHD, Central Auditory Disorder, Speech impairment without hearing loss and several other odds & ends - that tend to mark the eventual discovery that a child is autistic when they are in the high-functioning spectrum. You know something is 'off' about them, but it can take quite awhile to figure out exactly what. And sometimes just as long to figure out how to teach & train someone with this mind-set how to get along with the rest of the world.

It was a relief to finally have the correct 'label' for my son. After over a dozen years of hit & miss, his teachers and I could finally put together a better IEP for him based on the knowledge that came with figuring out his 'disorder'. But that is only the start of his new & improved learning regimen.

Social issues, of course, have been one of his biggest hurdles. How do you teach someone certain basics that most everyone else takes for granted? Body language, tone of voice and slang are literally a whole different language for Autistics/Asperger's & others with NLD's.

One of the first things I noticed about him is that talking was never his strong suit. His voice used to be very slurred when he bothered to utter anything. He speaks much more clearly now after more than 10 years of speech therapy, but he still has a somewhat halting stutter of sorts even now. It takes patience to listen to him - because it can take awhile for a thought to finish getting from his brain to his mouth. Teaching others patience is tricky at best, but essential. Each of his friends, teachers & family members has to be educated. The NLD child has so much more to learn than a 'normal' child. So many of life's essentials for getting along that most of us take for granted are a totally foreign landscape for NLD's.

But how do you educate the rest of the world? Unfortunately, you can't. So we're back to the question of how to teach my son to 'fit in' a little better. Or at least to understand & sympathize with other people a little better in what for him is a truly 'alien' world.

You start with the basics. Body language.

Hands stay in your 'personal space' unless invited. My son used to poke & prod at his classmates as they stood in line for lunch & other activities. It was his way of offering a handshake. Needless to say, this only served to irritate the very people he was trying to be friendly with. Several teacher conferences later, we managed to explain to his teachers & classmates that he was trying to be friendly. And we taught my son that poking was not the way to do this. Speaking is difficult for him, but he needed to learn to use what words he had available instead of using his hands. But mostly, he needed to be told openly and clearly not only that his behavior was unacceptable but WHY it was 'wrong'. The why explanations are essential.

You teach your special child not only words & phrases, but HOW to say them.

Tone of voice is tricky for many 'normal' people. It's doubly so for NLD's. Listening to music has given my son a better appreciation for how sounds move up & down, high & low. I love listening to him sing in his room. Being aware of different notes in the music can help him notice different 'notes' when people talk. We also have 2 new puppies in our home and I've been teaching my son how to alter his voice from low & commanding to moderate & calm to high & sweet as he learns to work with them. He is learning to modulate his own tone with these 'simpler' animals, with my hope that he will be able to translate these lessons into his dealings with 'human' animals to some extent.

You teach them not only what to say & how to say it but why it's being said.

And you teach them what not to say, of course. Even 'normal' children hear inappropriate words or phrases on occasion & then turn around & repeat them. Just like any other child, I've had any number of talks with my son over the years on the words he uses & when to use them - or not to use them. Every detail of what a word or phrase means & how it can be taken must be painstakingly explained and yet kept simple & understandable. I use the Golden Rule a lot - 'how would you feel if this was said or done to you...' I will emphasize again how important the explanations & why's are for helping a NLD to figure out how to interact with the rest of the world.

It has been a rocky road. The other children often don't understand him even after explanations have been given nor do they always follow the Golden Rule themselves. Teasing has been a thick part of his life up until this last year or so. When my son says '...nobody understands...' it is not just a saying. It is real. And his feelings get just as hurt as anyone else's when someone makes fun of him in a mean way. He may not understand as much as some about how to interact, but he knows when he's being treated badly.

Hugs are applied often and talks about what happened that day & how he feels about it have been frequent occurrences in my household. I am always there for him when he needs me. And when he needs time to himself, he gets that, too. He is, afterall, a teenager now & a male so the hugs from his mom aren't as welcome as they used to be. But he knows I'm here. The security of that knowledge helps.

Yes, I do get impatient with him from time to time, too. I'm human and I have limits. I've explained this to him & he seems to understand. He's getting better about when he will ask me about something or otherwise bring up a subject that is of interest to him. He'll hover nearby now instead of just barging in & starting to talk before he has my full attention. He is fully capable of learning how to adapt to social situations. It just takes him longer, that's all.

Sometimes we play video games together. It's an activity we both enjoy and the interaction via the game helps us to connect with each other. A lot of communicating happens while we're maneuvering around each other in Halo(R) or some other one-on-one game. And we share hints & tips on other games that we play separately. It's a subject that definitely interests him, so I do my best to keep up. Anything that gets him talking & opening up is a good thing.

Whenever he brings up a topic - doesn't matter how much of a non-sequitor it might be - I am attentive. I stop what I'm doing or ask if he can wait a moment while I finish a chore so that I can pay attention better. Once he's finished a sentence, I often ask questions, like why that subject came up. Or where he got the idea from.

I have learned to ask HIM questions. It gets him thinking & helps him become more aware of other angles on a topic that might not have occurred to him otherwise.

Bottom line; keep the lines of communication open & communicate often. And by communicate, I mean explain, explain, explain. Every detail, every nuance of human behavior. And ask the child questions to help them eventually figure out how to ask questions for themselves & possibly find some of their own answers.

And have patience. The learning will come. So much will be learned in a very different manner, but it CAN be learned. There's a reason why I can relate so well with my son - because I have clawed & scratched my way out of my own NLD mind-set. To know me now, you'd never guess how socially awkward, clueless & downright isolated I used to be.