Tips on Interacting with Pregnant Women

Most people are very excited and curious about pregnant women, and want to be involved in the process of bringing a new life into the world, even if it's just by holding a conversation with a soon-to-be mom. But many of the topics discussed or comments made are appallingly thoughtless. So this article is here to keep you from being that person, the one that is forever burned into someone's memory as the person who indirectly called them fat or irresponsible.

This isn't meant to discourage honest conversation and debate when speaking with a pregnant woman, just to avoid the discouraging, annoying and rude comments that sometimes become a part of every day interaction for a pregnant woman.

On Touching Me Without Asking

Everyone expects this topic in an article like this, so I'll just get it out of the way. Yes, my belly is cute. I think so too. But just because it's there doesn't mean you can touch it, especially if I've never seen you before in my life. There, that one is done.

On Commenting About My Weight

It's not acceptable to make comments on someone else's weight any other time, so why is it any different when a woman is pregnant? These comments go both ways, too, not just about how big or heavy a woman has become. Talking about how tiny a woman is in the wrong phrasing can be just as obnoxious, especially if you're implying that she's not feeding her unborn child enough. We just don't need to hear anything about our weight at all, unless it is something like "Oh, you look so cute with your pregnant belly!" Outright saying someone is huge is rude, and so is commenting that someone doesn't even look pregnant. I'm not trying to peg women as being ridiculously oversensitive, but it really is baffling as to why people think it's alright to do this.

On Helping Me Too Much

This is a somewhat controversial, and really depends on whether a woman is looking to be pampered or not, so I'll admit on this topic I'm really only relaying my own feelings. Being pregnant doesn't mean we're broken. It doesn't mean we're weak or helpless either. If we want to, we can still do most things. And while I appreciate the sentiment behind people trying to make things easy, sometimes it's more annoying than helpful, and sometimes it even actually makes things harder. Want to let me have the squishy recliner so I don't have to sit on the floor during the family Thanksgiving movie viewing? Great, I really appreciate it. Obsessively hovering over me? Not so great. Asking if I actually need (or want) help is a good start, because sometimes I will. Also, if I've already mostly completed a task - like crouching down to get a pan out of a cupboard, please don't finish it for me unless I ask. Because if you do, I'll have expended all the effort to do it without actually accomplishing something.

On Sharing Your Horror Stories

I'll begin this segment by admitting I'm a big believer in natural birth, and that women's bodies know what they're doing most of the time and implying anything different is rather sexist. Notice I said "most of the time" before you start sharing your exception to that comment with me. And that's what this section is all about. Don't tell me some terrible story about how you almost died giving birth or that your sister's niece's friend had [blank] happen to her. Most births will go just fine - especially if mom isn't completely terrified and prepared. Stop scaring other women with your horror stories! Even if you had a harrowing experience, be encouraging instead. Tell me I'll be fine, to trust my body, that my baby will be amazing and it will be worth it all. Don't add to my fears and insecurity about the entire process.

On Epidurals

The epidural is a controversial topic. So it's really best not to even go there, unless the mother is trying to start a tame and informative debate about it. Also, why does it even matter to you whether I'm getting one or not? Don't try to validate your own (or someone else's) decisions by making comments on my choice. If I ask your opinion or about your experience, then yes, talk to me about it. But if I say, "I don't want to have an epidural, I want to do it all naturally," don't laugh and say, "Oh I bet otherwise," or "You'll be begging for one, I know it,". That's like being at a party with someone who is on a diet and wanting to avoid the dessert table and telling them not to bother because they'll be stuffing their face with cake by the end of the evening anyway. It's discouraging to say the least, and it kind of makes you a jerk. Be supportive, even if you don't agree.

On Personal Questions and Making Judgments

People want to know everything that is going on with an incoming baby. And that's great, but think before you ask personal questions, and then think even harder before making comments on the answer they give you. Do they want to try cloth diapers? Go them! Are they using a midwife? Choosing a scheduled c-section? Okay! Again, this doesn't rule out honest conversation, but don't ask a woman you hardly know if she's going to give birth vaginally or some other personal question. This also includes questions about gender ("What do you mean you want it to be a surprise and haven't found out? That's stupid!") or what name the couple has picked. And for the love of God, if I tell you the names I like don't start talking about how you knew a person named that and they were a loser/a bully/a psychopath/insert bad trait here. On the other side of the coin, if I'm not telling you the name, don't push. I might want it to be a surprise, or I might just be tired of hearing everybody's comments on it.

On Birth Room Attendance

Every woman has different desires when it comes to who will be in the room with her for the big moment. Some women want a group of female friends, others their mothers, and some just their partner. If I want you there, I will ask you. Don't assume, and don't push to be present. This is not like being a bridesmaid in a wedding party or a guest to some other important event. It is a very private and intense experience that I might not want the world to see. Don't politicize the whole thing, because moms need a comfortable space to give birth. The last thing we need is to be stressed because we "had" to let some pushy in-law in the room that we never wanted to witness us in pain, naked, scared or whatever might be embarrassing to us.

On Belittling Her Birth Experience

The process of giving birth, the experience as a whole, not just the end result, is important. This often gets overlooked in today's society. Saying to a new mom who didn't get the birth she was hoping for or had something traumatizing happen to her that "your baby is healthy and that is all that matters, snap out of it," is dismissing her very valid feelings on her birth, whatever happened. Did she have a c-section when she wanted a natural birth, or was her labor too fast for her to get the epidural she wanted? We can't just wish these feelings away. Of course, having a healthy baby is very important, but it is notall that matters. If a newly married bride was talking about what didn't go right at her wedding, you wouldn't say "Well you got married in the end, and that's all that matters, stop whining!" to her. Why is this any different? Be sympathetic, not dismissive. The journey is just as important as the end point. This category also includes judging a woman for having an induction, not using an epidural, or for giving birth at home instead of a hospital.

Now go forth into the world, gentle readers, and be remembered for telling a pregnant woman how beautiful she is (not how huge she's gotten) or for being supportive about her VBAC or birth plans when no one else was. These kind of comments can make a big difference in a woman's confidence in herself, her body, and in the whole experience of giving birth, so make sure that you're influencing this in a positive way.