Tips for Limit Setting with Your Teen

Do you have a challenging time setting limits with your teen? Are you unsure on how to go about in setting limits with your teen? To help understand common mistakes parents make when limit setting with their teen and for tips on limit setting with your teen, I have interviewed psychotherapist Ruth Wyatt, LMSW, MA.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a psychotherapist in private practice that specializes in working with parents. I am the Co-founder and Co-director of Everyday Parenting a comprehensive resource for new and experienced parents seeking guidance and support. I am also the Director of the Treatment Service of the Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Study Center, which provides low-fee psychotherapy on an out-patient basis. I am also the proud parent of two."

What are common mistakes parents make when limit setting with their teen?
"Teens can be (as everyone knows) irrational, contrary and, well, just plain annoying! In the face of this barrage of teenage angst, parents often feel confused, worn down and at times very angry, making limit setting very challenging indeed. For parents of teens, setting limits can sometimes feel like a minefield of potential 'mistakes.' While parenting teens is certainly difficult, the mistakes parents make are often quite predictable (and therefore, and here's the good news, to some extent avoidable).

It is my experience that when parents of teens struggle with their limit setting it is usually for one of two reasons. The first reason is parents give their teen too much control. The second reason is parents are not giving their teen enough control. As different as these mistakes seem to be, they usually stem from the same set of issues, namely the parents' (understandable) difficulty figuring out what their teen needs, what they, the parents, feel is the bottom line in terms of limit/expectations and how to include their teen in the limit setting process.

While parents face this limit setting dilemma at all stages of parenting, it can be particularly challenging for parents of teens whose needs of their parents, not to mention their moods, are constantly changing (sometimes several times a day). Teens seem to need their parents desperately at times but then, sometimes minutes later, desperately need to push them away (hence the titles of two of my favorite parenting books 'Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?' by Anthony Wolf and "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!' by Michael J. Bradley). In the face of all this craziness, parents of teens often feel overwhelmed and frustrated, which can lead them to give up or give in to their children's demands (type 1 mistake) or, alternatively, to put their foot down where it might not necessarily belong (type 2 mistake).

So, that's the bad news. The good news is that even if you are fed up or just plain at a loss as to what to do with your teen, there are some basic rules of thumb that can help guide you in setting appropriate limits in almost every type of situation."

What are some parent tips for limit setting with a teen?
"The limits you set and how you set them obviously depends somewhat on the age and particular make-up of your child. While it is probably important to enforce a bedtime for your 12 year old and to keep him/her from going to a party at a friend's house whose parents are away, it is almost impossible (and often unnecessary) to dictate when your 17 year old goes to sleep or which friends' houses s/he can go to. While a 12 year old may not yet has a lot of impulse control or be able to make good decisions, a 17 year old usually has more ability in these areas. That doesn't mean you don't set limits with your 17 year old; it's just that it's different.

Regardless of your particular teen or situation, however, I would argue, the basic approach should be the same.

1. Be empathic and respectful.
It is important to try to understand and respect your teen's feelings (even if they don't make any sense to you). For example, when 13 year old George insisted on staying up an hour past his bedtime because he worried that the other kids would think he was a 'loser' for going to bed earlier than them, George's parents empathized with him about how hard it was not to get to do something that all his friends were doing and how uncomfortable it must be to be worried about what others might think of you.

2. Be clear about what your bottom line is but realistic about what you can enforce.
Despite their empathy, George's parents knew that George needed more sleep than he was getting and could see how his mood and functioning were being impaired. They were clear about needing George's bedtime to be earlier than he wanted.

3. Problem solve with your teen. Let him/her have some choice and control.
While acknowledging George's feelings, George's parents explained to George what they had observed. That George did not seem to be doing as well in school and seemed not to have as much energy since going to bed later. Naturally, being 13, George denied this was the case, but his parents insisted that they figure out a solution and asked George for his ideas. After much back and forth, George and his parents agreed that he would try going to bed 1/2 hour earlier than he had been (but a 1/2 hour later than his original bedtime) and that his parents would keep an eye on his energy and performance. George and his parents also talked about other ways George felt he didn't fit in and what, if anything, he could do about that.

Of course, things don't get always go so smoothly. What if George had outright refused to adjust his bedtime? With a 13 year old you can probably still enforce a consequence. When doing so, however, choose one that is in some way connected to the situation. With George, his parents might have him cut out an extracurricular activity (in order to help George conserve his energy for his homework) or not allow George to socialize on a Friday night (so he can catch up on his sleep).

With older teens, parents typically have less say about (or less ability to enforce) their bedtime. This doesn't mean that a serious conversation like the one George's parents had with George wouldn't be helpful. One in which the decision was left up to the teen but that the natural consequences of that decision e.g. poorer school performance and what that might mean down the line in terms of college, were discussed.

With all teens, regardless of their age, the bottom line is that they need to feel that they are being understood and have some control/power. When teens feel listened to and included in the limit setting process, they are much more likely to respect the limits and much more likely to learn how to make good decisions for themselves.

What type of professional help is available for a parent that is having difficulties limit setting with their teen?
There is a lot of good professional help and support for parents out there, including:

1. Parenting organizations: There are many different organizations that offer services such as parenting workshops, educational resources, and/or consultations and counseling for parents and their teens. No matter where you live, chances are if you google 'parenting support' or the like, something in your area will pop up.

2. Schools: Most schools have counselors and/or psychologists on staff. The advantage of going to someone at your child's school is that the counselors have access to observing your child and getting a sense of how s/he is functioning at school. Even if they do not offer support or counseling themselves, they often can point you in the right direction.

3. Therapists who specialize in working with parents, teens and/or families: Meeting with a therapist around parenting issues doesn't mean years of lying down on the couch talking about your mother (though it can if you want). Parents and teens often find that even a few sessions with a therapist is helpful in getting a better handle on what's going on and getting a different perspective on things.

Parenting a teen is tough work, no doubt about it, but armed with the right attitude and approach (and the perspective that your teen will return to some state of sanity...eventually), parents of teens can survive and even (gasp) enjoy aspects of parenting their teens."

Thank you Ruth for doing the interview on tips for limit setting with your teen. For more information on Ruth Wyatt or her work you can check out her website on www.ruthwyatt.com .

Recommended Readings:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5514040/disciplining_a_rebellious_teenager.html?cat=25">Disciplining a Rebellious Teen

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5673678/how_to_help_your_teen_overcome_depression.html?cat=25">How to Help Your Teen Overcome Depression

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2992358/risktaking_teen_and_parental_behavior.html?cat=5">Risk Taking Teen and Parental Behavior