Tips for the Married Man on How to Have a Successful Marriage

The other day a woman asked me, "Frank, How do you do it? How does an idiot like you stay married for so many years? What the hell was your wife thinking getting mixed up with you? She's a total babe who could have had any guy she wanted and she picked you. She could have married a doctor or a lawyer and been set for life, but no, instead she's stuck with you-a starving writer. And on top of it, she has to read all your stupid nonsense and pretend she's amused and encourage you while she tries to figure out how in the hell you're going to make the next mortgage payment."

Yeah, once my wife starts talking, she sure can go on-and-on. But she does make a good point. The fact that a guy like me can have a successful marriage is pretty amazing. So I will now let you in on a few important tips I've followed for more than three decades that have kept our marriage going and my sorry ass out of homeless shelters. It could save your life.

She's always right

Learn it.

Know it.

Live it.

Don't put your penis inside other women

Yeah, I hear ya guys. Kind of puts a damper on the old sex life, doesn't it? And it's not like you're out looking for it-sometimes it just happens. You're at a bar, you've had a few dozen drinks too many and the next thing you know you're wondering just how serious your wife was about the whole "being faithful" part in your wedding vows. Let me save you time on this one and tell you she takes it very seriously because, for whatever reason, your wife has issues with sharing her stuff with other women, and she particularly doesn't like sharing your genitals. Seems pretty selfish, I know, but that's the way women are. So keep the little general zipped up and home where he belongs and not off hiking those Appalachian trails in Argentina.

Remember important dates

For some wives, forgetting her birthday or your wedding anniversary is as bad as if she came home and caught you having sex with her best friend. So if you're gonna do either, go with the latter. At least your final moments on Earth will be fun.

Bonus Tip: Minimize the number of dates you need to remember by doing what I did: Get married on your wife's birthday.

Always choose the chick flick

Sure they're boring as hell, but the movie you want to see with all the explosions and the requisite strip club scene ain't gonna get you laid. Sit through a couple hours of some dumb "boy-and-girl-hate-each-other, boy-and-girl-fall-in-love, girl-finds-out-boy's-a-prick, boy-wins-girl-back-after-chasing-down-her-plane-on-the-runway" flick and produce a few fake tears to show your wife how sensitive you are and she's bound to give you a little somethin'-somethin' when you get home. Warning: If you really want the little woman to buy the Mr. Sensitive act, you may have to do some major cuddling, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

Use discretion when girl-watching

Pretend you didn't notice the hot chick who just walked by the two of you at the mall. Pretend you didn't notice her enormous double-D breasts practically bursting through her strappy top. Pretend you didn't see the top of her lacy, red thong sticking up above the tight jeans that are accentuating her perfectly shaped ass. To really sell it, act disgusted and say something like, "What makes people think the world wants to see their smelly underwear?" Then when you get home, get a good look at the picture you discreetly took with your cell phone of the hot chick with the enormous double-D breasts and red thong.

Get in touch with your feminine side

One of life's great mysteries is that women marry men. Let's face it, men are insensitive pricks who only want one thing: a bisexual nymphomaniac who also cooks, cleans and loves to watch football-preferably while naked. Those women don't exist, but we keep looking for them anyway. Despite that, women still marry us-probably because of their basic instinct to pop out babies. But deep down inside, your wife would much rather spend time with another woman than with you. To minimize the chances of your woman coming to her senses and leaving you for her best friend, drop some of the macho shit and be more sensitive. Do the chick flick thing we talked about, take her on a shopping spree, join Oprah's Book Club. But be careful and don't overdo it-you must know your own breaking point! I have a friend who took things way too far and tried to sit though an hour of The View. He's doing life for murdering his wife.

These are all just basic tips that have worked for me, but every marriage is different and you'll have to figure out what works best for you. Just know that if you don't try to disguise the fact that you are basically an insensitive, perverted cave man, your marriage will never work and your wife will eventually cast you aside for the comfort, warmth and tenderness of another woman.

Kind of makes you horny just thinking about it, doesn't it?