Tips for the Married Man on Picking Up Chicks

You're sitting at a bar and then you see her-the girl of your dreams (assuming you dream about picking up a chick, banging her senseless, and taking off before she wakes up, never to see her again-and what guy doesn't dream of that!). Problem is, you're married. Now what are you gonna do?

Well, you've come to the right place, because as a man who has been happily married for more than three decades to the same wonderful woman, I know a thing or two about pretending to know how to pick up chicks. So I have made a handy list of tips that will make your whole adulterous adventure go as smoothly as possible. In return I ask only that you take lots of pictures and email them to me. A hidden video camera would also be a nice touch.

Lose the old ball-and-chain

Studies have shown that the excess baggage of the little woman can really put a crimp on your ability to talk other women into exchanging body fluids with you. Give the Mrs. a bunch of credit cards and send her off on a shopping spree with her friends-preferably in another state.

Dress for success

It's been quite a while since you've tried to impress anyone with your appearance. Forget the dirty old sweatpants and holey Grateful Dead t-shirt you've worn every day since the bicentennial and try something from a more recent decade. And clean up too-the Unabomber always had a tough time finding a date.

Walk the walk

After years of being beat down and ridiculed by your better half, you probably walk hunched over with your head down like a dog who was just scolded for pissing on the carpet, or perhaps more accurately, like a husband who was just scolded for pissing on the toilet seat. Stand tall and proud! The young ladies at the bar have no idea what a hopeless loser you are.

Talk the talk

Most women are looking for a meaningful relationship and the last thing they want is to get mixed up with a married man. Being honest and saying, "Hi, I'm a married man looking for some strange. Any chance you'd like to play a little hide the salami with me?" just ain't gonna cut it. Try something like, "Hi, I'm a single guy looking for a meaningful relationship. Any chance you'd like to play a little hide the salami with me?" Oh, and don't forget that line about rearranging the alphabet to put "U" next to "I." Chicks really dig that crap.

Wear the ring

Nothing says "cheating husband" more than a telltale white circle around your ring finger. Keep your wedding band on and tell the hot blonde at the end of the bar that you are a widower on your first night out since losing the love of your life in a tragic hot tub accident. For added effect, pull out a handkerchief, sniffle, wipe your eyes until they are red, and blow your nose. Even the most coldhearted woman is a soft touch when it comes to a grieving man.

Never take her to your house

It's not likely your wife will welcome your new girlfriend into your humble abode. And even if the wife is out of town, the last thing you want is for the psychotic bitch you picked up in a bar to know where you live. Go to her place or a motel, but never ever let her know where she can find your daughter's pet rabbit.

Don't fart with your new partner

Years of marriage can lead to a comfort zone in which you no longer worry about suppressing bodily functions. While your wife may have become used to the awful stench of your gas emissions, your one-night honey will likely find it a major turnoff. Keep a cork in it until you have safely extracted yourself from your temporary receptacle and are on your way home.

Always use cash

Credit card statements are every married man's nightmare. Unless you don't mind explaining to your wife why you spent $29.99 at the Fornication Hideaway Motel the weekend she was off on that shopping spree, stick with using the green stuff.

Keep a low profile

After you've gotten everything you wanted from your pub pickup, never go back to that bar. If she wants to find you, that'll be the first place she looks. If you live in a small town where it would be easy for her to hunt you down, consider facial reconstruction surgery.

So there you go-everything you need to pick up an easy broad with low self-esteem and poor judgment for a night of nice, wholesome fornication. Now get out there and make all of us married men proud. And don't forget to send me the pictures.