Tips on Meeting His Mother

Fans of the VH1 television show, I Love New York, may have seen the "Momma's Boys" episode released on March 19th. For those unfamiliar with the show, it's basically a competition of 20 men to see who loves a female named New York (from the extremely stupid Flavor of Love show) the most. Each week, one man is eliminated until the last man standing gets a prize. That prize is her. But on this past episode, I'm sure the men who were eliminated on previous episodes jumped for joy. As if New York meeting the competitors' ex-girlfriends on a past episode wasn't uncomfortable, meeting their mothers was a catastrophe. I've never seen one person do so many wrong things when meeting someone's mother, and I'm absolutely hoping that this was all entertainment, especially when she met one of the men's, Tango, mother. She wore an extremely tight dress, eyelashes long enough to jump rope with, smoked cigarettes, her breasts popped out more than popcorn, she cursed repeatedly, insulted his mother's weight and age behind her back like she wouldn't see the show later, and she talked about how another contestant was more fun than Tango. A tarantula scurrying across my living room would've been easier to watch than that episode.

Entertainment or not, there are people out there who have no clue how to act in front of someone's mother. Either they don't understand the significance of it or they honestly think they're going about it in a positive way. Men regard their mothers with the utmost respect (unless she's a deadbeat, which is another article altogether). Men relish in finding a decent woman. They like to be able to show a woman off in front of their friends, as long as they are proud of her. (Note: If you have never met his friends, chances are he's embarrassed to introduce you. Leave now.) But to meet his mother stamps the seal of approval on how he feels about you. Meeting fathers and uncles is the easy part. It's quite easy to charm the fellas in the family, and they're usually not as intimidating. But a mother carries much weight in how he will view his woman later. This article offers tips on how women can win over their man's mother during the first visit.

Wardrobe and Accessories for Women:

• Cover all private parts. Wearing low rider jeans that show a hint of a thong may be attractive to that random guy on the street, but his mother will not be impressed. She also doesn't want to see your cleavage. She has both already, and yours is nothing new.
• It's okay to wear something trendy, but try not to go too casual. Apple Bottom jeans might be cool to wear to the mall, but not for Thanksgiving dinner. Wear a sensible pair of slacks or jeans with no words across your butt and a comfortable top. Try a button-down blouse or a sweater.
• Do not wear earrings longer than your neck. Humongous hoop earrings were cute in the eighties and L.L. Cool J may grin at you, but not his mother. Set them aside for another day.

Body Art and Piercings:

• Body art is a beautiful thing if done professionally, but that doesn't mean you have to show his mother as soon as you meet her. Don't give her the opportunity to prejudge you by showing off all eight of your tattoos, including the one in the small of your back and the one with your ex-boyfriend's name across your neck. Wear something that covers them up for the first meeting. It's harder for her to assume things about your appearance if she can't find anything extreme.
• If you like to wear the earring in your nose, eyebrow, belly button, and nipples, that's your right. But at least if you're going to do it when meeting Mom, wear studs to make it less obvious. Again, don't give her the opportunity to prejudge you with extremes.
• Lay off all the make-up. She wants to see your face, not proof that there are cosmetic aisles in America. A little lip gloss, maybe a touch of eye shadow, and moisturizer is good enough.

Manners:

• It is very important that you use the following terms: Excuse me, Please, Thank you, Good morning/afternoon/night. Manners are so underrated, and such a relief when a mother can find out that her son's new love interest has them.
• You are not with your friends. Even if his mother curses up a storm, you don't. Not the first time anyway no matter how grown you think you are. It's disrespectful. There are many parents who let their children curse in front of them, but that doesn't mean everybody's parents are okay with it. Remember, everyone's parents are not yours.
• If you like to drink liquor or smoke cigarettes, that's your business. But don't do it in front of her. Again, this is ammunition for her to pass judgment. Wear a nicotine patch. Drink when you get home. But don't do it in front of her. By the way, cigarettes kill--just a reminder.

Conversation:

• Try to find something that his mother is interested in. Recollect past conversations that your man has had with you about his mother. If you know that she paints ceramics on Tuesdays, ask to see some. Even if you think they look like a 3-year-old fingerpainted them and you can't think of one single compliment to give her, ask questions that make you look interested: How long have you been doing this? How long did it take you to do this particular piece? What got you interested in this? These types of questions make you look interested without brainstorming on how to not lie to her. And if you two have something in common when it comes to hobbies, even better. Definitely bring those similarities up as soon as possible!
• Make sure to tell her that you like her son for something other than superficial things like his looks or clothes. Tell her things about her son's personality. It makes it look like she raised him correctly and she'll adore that.

Debating:

• If you see a situation where you and his mother cannot agree on a topic, politely cease the conversation. Say something like: "We have different views and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'd rather not talk about this anymore" or "I respect your point of view, but we just don't agree." This way, you don't have to give in to her point of view but you don't have to attack it either.
• If your opinions and her opinions are so strong that the conversation won't stop, politely excuse yourself. If he drove, call a cab on your cell phone. (Note: If you've been polite with the debate and he refuses to take you home, leave for good. He's not worth it.)

Under no circumstances should you do the following the first time you meet her.

• Argue with your man in front of her. It will give her a reason to think you two should not be together. Wait until you've been around him for some time before you are that open. Excuse yourself instead, and ask to speak to him privately.
• Ask her for recipes. No woman cooks like his mother. Don't bother trying and don't ask her how she made something. Let her voluntarily tell you (unless she's a professional caterer). Mothers look at new girlfriends as competition anyway.
• Share your bodily functions with her. Your beer buddies may think it's funny that you can belch body parts aloud and fart loud enough to wake the neighbors, but his mother will not be amused, and if she is, remember your manners and say "Excuse me."
• Discuss political, religious, or cultural views with her unless you'd bet your next paycheck that she agrees with you. Those three topics are highly sensitive and if either of you are passionate about certain views and they happen to be opposing, you're just asking for trouble.
• Flirt with her husband, boyfriend, or brother. She already thinks you're competition for her son's love; don't give her the opportunity to think you're trying to steal someone else away from her.
• Talk on your cell phone excessively. She is supposed to be your concentration for the evening. Unless somebody died, let the calls go to voicemail or return them during a bathroom break.
• Offer to help her improve something, especially when she didn't ask you. It makes you look like a know-it-all. For example, if she makes a dish and it's too salty, telling her that she should lay off the Morton's will not gain you any brownie points.
• Gossip or complain about your own side of the family. She may become a part of that family later, and I doubt she'll be thrilled to know that her son's in-laws are potential psychos.
• Complain about things he does wrong. That's her son. She probably knows his pros and cons. She wants to know what you like about him, not hear you rant about all of the stuff you don't like. If you have that much to complain about, it will not only make him uncomfortable, but it's also inappropriate for a first impression.

Good luck and invite me to the wedding!