Tips for Overcoming the Fear of Intimacy

Are you experiencing a fear of intimacy? Are you unsure on where the fear stems from and what you can do to overcome it? To help understand where the fear of intimacy may stem from and for tips on overcoming the fear of intimacy, I have interviewed psychotherapist Tracey K. Smith, M.A., LPC.

Tell me a little bit about yourself :
"I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in Houston, Texas. I have a Master's Degree in Psychology from Houston Baptist University and a Bachelor's Degree in International Studies from Texas A&M University. I am currently in the credentialing process to be a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. I specialize in substance abuse and chemical dependency, codependency, sexual and relational issues. I began private practice after working as a program therapist and case manager in an inpatient rehabilitation hospital. I work to engage the entire family and support system in the process of all types of recoveries through semi-weekly groups, family and marriage counseling , and intensive individual work. I see many couples (both individually and together) experiencing duress around intimacy, codependency and boundary issues. Additionally, I collaborate closely with state licensing boards to support professionals in their recovery protocols and evaluations."

Where does the fear of intimacy stem from?
"It would be difficult to pinpoint an exact origin of a fear of intimacy, but that fear is better explained as a cumulative response to various sources of trauma, anxiety or lack of efficacious coping skills throughout a person's life experiences. Usually we pick up messages about ourselves through our experiences, which reinforce that fear, such as exposure to rejection, abandonment and inadequacy in or primary relationships and social environments. In essence, we tend to believe messages that we are not good enough as we are, so we spend time and effort adopting behaviors and negative core values which may not be authentic in order to increase our perceived value to others. In doing so, we can learn to disengage from our feelings and compartmentalize our ability to be truly intimate with others, since we don't really accept ourselves for who we are. If we are not comfortable with ourselves, we certainly won't expect anyone else to be either!"

What type of impact can fear of intimacy have on a relationship?
"Well, if we have two primary motivators for doing anything - fear or faith - and someone is engaged in a relationship where there is fear of intimacy, chances are they struggle with a lack of esteem and insecurity with themselves. The result can end up being a few things. First of all, if the fear of intimacy is the result of an abusive dynamic, and that person is remaining in that abusive relationship , they could believe that their low perceived value of themselves somehow is being authentically reciprocated in a less than ideal partnership. In other words, that person sees themselves as 'less than', they are treated as 'less than', thus it makes sense to them that the relationship is authentic and genuine because they and their partners both buy into their marginalized value. A person in this dynamic will typically never self-actualize emotionally or spiritually because their value is very externally based.

A fear of intimacy that is rooted in childhood, where a person learned to 'stuff' their emotions in a narcissistic, performance- and achievement-based family of origin , will have difficulty being truly transparent with another individual since they learned to forgo 'being' and instead prize 'doing'. In this type of dynamic, you may have two very over-achieving, capable, successful individuals who lack that emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical connection. When one of those partners experiences a significant life-changing event and recalibrates their priorities or definition of success, it may de-stabilize the intimacy avoidance, and they may find themselves wanting more connection with their partner. They may feel isolated and abandoned with a partner who is unmotivated to change with them thus reinforcing that their wants, needs and feelings are unimportant.

The bottom line with fear of intimacy in a relationship is that is leaves its victims feeling disengaged, unfulfilled, distrustful and inauthentic, and it becomes its own self-fulfilling cycle of negative reinforcement. 'I don't reach out because I'll be rejected, but yet I am resentful toward my partner because my needs aren't being met.' The vicious cycle of blaming the other party for the fear and resentment eventually takes a big toll on the relationship, and the person wanting the intimacy. So the person wanting the intimacy either resigns themselves to a life of 'less than', acts out or ends the relationship."

What are some tips for overcoming the fear of intimacy?
"Baby steps! Accept that your needs are legitimate, and brainstorm about different ways you can have those needs met without placing monumental or unrealistic expectations on your partner. If your legitimate need, for instance, is validation, learn some ways to find that validation internally. You may reach out to a spiritual advisor, practice meditation or prayer, write a daily gratitude list about the things you like most about yourself. Try to find purpose and passion in what you do and live in the present without trying to control outcomes or hinging your validation on someone else's need to change or acceptance of you. Try to see intimacy as a gift you give yourself by living authentically and less about how someone else responds to you. Remember you will most likely find the satisfaction you are looking for in your life and relationships the closer you adhere to your positive core values (faith, integrity, acceptance, patience, authenticity, etc.) as opposed to the negative core values (fear, impression management, insecurity, control, perfectionism, etc.)."

What type of professional help is available for someone that is having a difficult time overcoming fear of intimacy ?
"Luckily, there are more resources available now than ever if you are experiencing duress in your relationship with yourself or others. Find a counselor in your area who specializes in both helping you find clarity and fallacy in those fear-based messages from your childhood and building good boundaries with your primary relationships. You might also look up a local therapeutic or support group, which addresses resolution from grief and trauma or codependency. Sometimes practicing your ability to feel comfortable by getting in touch with your emotions in a group setting fosters growth in your ability to be intimate in your other relationships. Lastly, engage in activities, which tap your spirituality internally in order to develop your own sense of self and confidence. When you genuinely like yourself, your fear of opening up to others will abate. You have more control over your fear than you think!"

Thank you Tracey for doing the interview on tips for overcoming the fear of intimacy. For more information on Tracey K. Smith or her work you can check out her website at www.townandcountrycounseling.com .

Recommended Readings:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5644514/increasing_your_sexual_activity_in.html?cat=5">Increasing Your Sexual Activity in Marriage

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/119410/how_to_put_the_sizzle_back_in_your.html?cat=74">How to Put the Sizzle Back in Your Marriage

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2859838/how_to_deal_with_an_annoying_husband.html?cat=72">How to Deal with Annoying Husband