Tips for Parents: Talking to Your Teens About Faith

There are a lot of hard topics for parents to talk to their kids about. Among the familiar listings, with topics like sex and drugs, is a topic that could potentially be even more sensitive: Faith. Religion and faith values are difficult topics for parents and their teens to discuss, for the basic reason that they are extremely personal issues. While the implications of topics like sex and drugs are very evident and solid, the implications behind a person's faith depend greatly on what that person's faith is.

What makes the topic even more difficult is the fact that many times, a parent's faith values will not coincide with those of his or her child's; be it on small or major tenants or ideas of that faith, these differences can be awkward for both sides of the discussion. When it comes to talking to your teenagers about faith, there are some basic tips that will help ease the potential awkwardness of your conversation.

1. Know Your Own Faith

It's very important that before engaging your teen on the topic of his or her faith, you understand what you believe yourself. This is particularly important if your teen disagrees with your faith. You won't help the case of your faith if, when presented with the issues your teen has with it, you don't even know what he or she is talking about! Study up on your faith if necessary before engaging in this conversation.

2. Know Your Teen's Faith

If your teen comes to you with the confession that he or she doesn't believe what you believe, you need to update your knowledge of what his or her beliefs are. Whether it's asking directly or learning the name and postponing the conversation until you have time to read up on and learn the basics of your teen's faith, you should never enter the conversation not knowing what those beliefs are. It's also a good idea to learn how your teen's beliefs differ from your own, as this will likely be a major part of your conversation.

3. Acknowledge Your Teen's Questions as Important to You (and Relevant)

It is also extremely important that, no matter what questions or issues your teen brings to the table, you acknowledge their importance to you. Blowing off a teen's question about your faith suggests two things. First, that you don't care enough about your or your teen's faith to answer the question for him or her. Second, that you don't care enough about your faith to answer the question for yourself. No matter how simple or complex the question, it's important that you acknowledge your willingness to work through it with your teen.

4. Tell Your Teen if You Don't Have the Answer to a Question

There's one thing that most teens will respect you for in the midst of this challenging and possibly awkward conversation: honesty. If your teen presents you with a question you don't have the answer to, don't pretend you have the answer! First of all, your teen can probably see through your façade better than you think; she will know when you're struggling with an answer you only half think is right. Secondly, trying to come off like you have all the answers may only convince your teen that you're a know-it-all, which to him might as well mean you don't know anything! Though it may seem embarrassing, telling your teen you need a little time to study up on the question and get back to them is better than making up an answer or simply ignoring the question.

5. Be Willing to Work through the Questions with Your Teen

If pausing the conversation isn't an option, suggest that you and your teen work through the questions together. Grab whatever resources you and your teen think might hold the answers to his question and start working out an answer. Or simply talk about what each of you thinks the answer is; as issues with these answers arise, allow your teen to talk about her issues, and insist (respectfully) that you talk about yours. Say, for instance, you're a Christian, and your teenaged son says he's not sure he can be a Christian because he doesn't think he agrees with what the church teaches about predestination. Whether you believe in predestination yourself or not isn't the issue; you need to help your child begin to figure out what he believes, and work toward that answer with him. Grab your Bibles and read any verses you and your son think apply to the issue together. Find some articles that talk about the issue from different points of view. Whatever you do, make sure you're working with, and not for, your teen for the answer.

6. Allow Your Teen the Chance to Answer His/Her Own Question

Sometimes when it comes to discussing faith, your teen simply needs someone to listen to her questions. Maybe your teen has been thinking about some issues he has with his faith that he just wants to make you aware of. Instead of rushing to answer questions your teen hasn't asked you to answer, simply listen to what he or she has to say and offer your input as requested. Even when your teen directly asks you for an answer to her question, you can lead her to reveal more of her own thoughts by saying something like, "That's a good question. What are your thoughts on that?" This helps you avoid launching into answers that may, to your teen, feel more like lectures than conversation.

7. Allow for Differences to Exist

One of your teen's biggest fears when entering this conversation is that the differences in faith you may discover will damage your relationship. It's up to you to make clear that this isn't the case. Remember that it's not your job to force your faith on your child, no matter how important it is to you that they follow that faith. Faith is a personal choice, and the fact that your child isn't choosing the exact faith you want them to choose is a fact you'll have to acknowledge and deal with. Bickering and fighting over it won't help the matter, and both you and your teen know it. If the differences are small and inconsequential, make sure your child knows this. If the differences are large and troublesome, make sure your child knows this, too; in this case, however, it's also important for you to let your teen know that your differences in faith don't make you love him or her any less. Don't speak in terms of disappointment, but rather sadness, if they choose not to follow your faith. This may not sound like a big difference, but it's the same difference that exists between failure and set-back. "Disappointment" makes it sound like you think your child has failed you; "sadness" tells your child you aren't happy with their choice, but know you have to respect it and hope for both your sakes that it's a set-back on their faith journey. Above all, make sure your child knows that this conversation, no matter how painful or uncomfortable, is an act of love and mutual respect.

8. Offer to Continue the Conversation

This point has two implications. First, offering to allow this awkward and sensitive conversation to continue tells your teen that you are always there for her when she needs to bring these issues before you. It tells her that you care enough about these questions she's dealing with to leave the door open for more questions and more discussion. Secondly, it leaves an opening for each of you to take a break from the conversation. If you and your teen sense that the conversation is headed south, suggest to your teen that you come back to the issue later. Tell him that you don't want this important conversation to get overheated with bad feelings and anger. Explain that you'd rather wait to finish the conversation when you both have level heads than let him or you stop really engaging because you're angry. And, as with the third tip, make sure your teen knows that your offer isn't just you saying you want out of the conversation; it's you letting him or her know that this conversation is important, and you want both of you to be ready to have it. Always remember that faith isn't something that can be forced down someone's throat. It also isn't something anyone is meant to deal with alone. Being there for your child when he or she is struggling with faith, or wants to share his or her faith journey with you, is a powerful sign of your love. Also remember that listening to your teen's issues and questions doesn't mean you're validating what he or she is saying; if you disagree, it should be part of the conversation. But this conversation will go a lot smoother, and leave both of you feeling better for having had it, if you enter it with an open ear and a softened heart. When both are present, your teen will know it, and will thank you for it. Your willingness to listen speaks volumes to your teen.