Tips for Professionalism When Handling Setbacks and Disappointments in the Workplace

When I got the news that my boss was giving my department to a more junior member of our team with less time under their belt, I held my breath for a moment. I had been working 80 hours a week for months to demonstrate my dedication, loyalty and desire to succeed only to feel as though I'd been slapped in the face.

"If that's what you feel needs to be done," I snapped. My boss, taken aback by this display of uncharacteristic emotion was unable to respond as I stormed out of her office. Fuming, I made a bee-line to my most trusted subordinate and unloaded my feelings of frustration and utter disbelief that such a decision had been made in a vacuum and then delivered nonchalantly in what could be compared to a casual hallway conversation.

Hours later, after loudly voicing my frustration to another 2 subordinates, 2 peers and 1 other senior leader, I began to regret my actions; at that point, however, the damage was done and the recovery was going to be a long, hard road.

These days, most of us spend more time at work than we spend with our families every week and it's unrealistic to think that you'll not experience set-backs and disappointments at work just as you experience set-backs and disappointments at home. The first thing to come to terms with is it is OK to feel disappointment and not fight it; but, it's not OK to let it keep you down.

Receiving disappointing news - you didn't get that promotion, someone you admired resigned or one of your peers or gives you negative feedback - can certainly ruin a day. So how do you handle it?

Allow yourself to feel. Most women feel first and think second; as a result, many times, the things we are feeling are the first things to come out of our mouths. Before we've had a chance to think of the consequences of our words, we're quick to let others know what kinds of emotions we are experiencing. When receiving disappointing news, internally acknowledge that you are disappointed or angry.

Take a deep breath. Too many times I've seen advice that says "stay calm." Those two words are easy to say but too ambiguous to be helpful. Taking a deep breath, however, is something you can do that actually sends calming signals to your brain. A recent Health and Age article cited that "...poor breathing patterns are associated with anxiety, panic and worries." Subconsciously, when a person is feeling anxious, they begin to breathe faster - a signal to the brain that things are not going well. The lack of oxygen they are receiving further exacerbates the problem. Full, deep breaths are a great way to physically calm your body.

Respond only if it is necessary. Many times when we receive bad or disappointing news, we feel we have to immediately respond. It's OK to say, "Wow, that's surprising." or "I'm really not sure how to respond." When you're in a situation where the person delivering the message is expecting a response or outright asks for one, a great come-back is, "To respond appropriately, I really need to take some time to evaluate what you've just said. Could we talk in an hour (or specify the time-frame you think you need to fully digest the information)?" Don't feel pressured into responding especially when you're overcome with emotion. You need time to sort through your emotional response and evaluate the information objectively.

Put it in perspective. A reality check can sometimes change your viewpoint on what you perceive to be set-backs. Looking at the big picture, is it really as important as you thought? Will you even care about it a month from now? Six months from now? Is this one disappointment really the start of everything falling apart? Is it really a symptom of larger failures? Or, is it just simply a disappointment? Be honest with yourself about the scope of the problem. If disappointment is a recurring theme, it's time to re-evaluate and look at the problem. This is rarely something you can do on your own. Soliciting the feedback of your family, peers and leaders is an important part of the process. In the workplace, EAP is a great, no cost way to begin this process. For more information, see your HR representative.

Assess your mind-set. Being happy and positive after a disappointment would be abnormal. Being depressed is a normal reaction; however, when the depression lasts for an extended amount of time, that's not normal. Depending on the level of disappointment, most people can get over it and move on within a month. Continuing to feel the disappointment indicates a much larger problem that needs to be discussed with your doctor.

Engage in positive self-talk. If you let yourself, it's easy to fall into the trap of engaging in thought processes that result in you continuously re-living the disappointment which will feed depression. Don't victimize yourself! Instead, use your drive time, alone time or shower time to repeat phrases like, "I love myself." or, write down a "feel good" phrase easy for you to remember that you can say to yourself numerous times throughout the day. Find something that makes you smile and make it a point to focus on it for a few minutes every day.

Don't keep talking about it. It's perfectly alright to express disappointment or "vent" to a trusted colleague. When, however, a disappointment involves another person or something someone did to you, it is not alright to make your feelings on the matter public record with everyone you see. Remember the game Telephone from grade school? Expressing your opinion repeatedly will result in nothing more than drama and gossip that eventually will be miscommunicated and misconstrued. Turn your negative into a positive and spread good cheer instead of malcontent.

Learn from the situation. Every disappointment in life comes with a lesson. Look for the lesson in your situation. Think back to all the growth experiences you have had over your lifetime. Growth is usually the result of difficulties we experience from which we choose to learn. Some of the most illustrious people in history have failed so many times yet we brand them as our most successful people. Why? Perseverance. When they fall, they don't sit on the floor thinking "I've fallen."

Disappointment is not the end of the world. It's how you choose to deal with it that can make or break you.