Tips for Reinforcing Good Behavior

Positive reinforcement works. Unfortunately, in many homes, good behavior is often ignored. This isn't intentional; it is easier to focus on the "squeaky wheel," while letting the good slip by unacknowledged. But, if you want to see a positive change in your child's behavior, focus on the good and watch a dramatic improvement.

Tips to remember when using positive reinforcement

Look for the positive opposite. When dealing with negative behavior, be clear about what you want to see instead. If your child is hitting, focus on times when he keeps his hands to himself.

Deliberately look for what your child is doing right. Pointing out errors is easy, but focusing on the good has better affect on behavior.

Avoid the overkill. Too much praise can be suspect and not taken seriously. Simple acknowledgement is fine for normal day-to-day activities.

Resist the urge to piggyback. Using a compliment to introduce a complaint is unfair, and ineffective. Telling them how great they did at the game, followed by, "if only you could work that hard on homework," won't work.

Drop the agenda. A lot like piggybacking, praising a child as an incentive for future behavior is also not effective. If they cleaned their room, simply say something about how nice it looks, avoid adding, "why can't it look this nice all the time?" Stay in the present and let them feel how good it can feel to do something positive.

Use nonverbal reinforcement. Throw a smile, wink or give them a high five when they are caught doing something right.

Conditional approval is not positive reinforcement. Saying how much you love your child when they get straight A's is a manipulative statement. Implying that your love is tied to their accomplishments is a tough act to follow.

Flattery will get you no where. Recognize your child after they do something positive. It can be tempting to flatter your child into cooperation, but it rarely works. "You are so brave," is best received after they do something brave.

Positive incentives are powerful. When my son finishes his homework on time, he can hang out with his friends or go on the computer. Experiencing the positive outcome of their own behavior helps them internalize good behavior.

Incentives should be meaningful to the child. When my daughter is home on time and puts her bike away neatly, I don't say, "Good job, now you get to do the dishes." She will probably drag her feet next time! Dishes may need to be done, but try to separate the positive reinforcement. Instead I can remind her that, since she followed the rules, she can go out again tomorrow.

Adopt positive reinforcement as part of your parenting style and not only will your children's behavior improve, you will feel less stressed!