Tips for Ruining Your Marriage

If you've managed to get far enough along in your relationship where you're married or close to it, you're probably looking for ways to keep things from heading south. Or, maybe you're purposely trying to ruin your marriage for the alimony money. Either way, here are five ways to ruin your marriage.

How to Ruin Your Marriage #1: Go ahead, fart in bed.

Ah, love. Isn't it great to be so comfortable with your spouse that you can fart in bed, pick the dandruff off your scalp, and bite your toenails while he watches? No, no, and NO! While it's nice to relax and let your guard down with someone you love and trust, it is not okay to turn into a slovenly pig.

An occasional bed fart is funny, but a surefire way to ruin your marriage is to present yourself as completely unattractive to your spouse. For heavens sake, you certainly don't want your sexy lover to turn into a spouse you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, so show the same courtesy and keep your more disgusting habits to yourself.

How to Ruin Your Marriage #2: Sexually Inactive.

If the sex gets stale, so does the marriage. Ladies and gentlemen, while it is acceptable to sometimes be "not in the mood" or to be uncomfortable with some sexual activities, sex should not be viewed as a chore once you've tied the knot.

I don't care how long you've been married or how busy you are, you should always make time for sex. Not every time has to be the best or the most original sex, but you also need to be creative with your spouse and enjoy some variety in your lovemaking together.

How to Ruin Your Marriage #3: Get old and boring.

Remember how when you were single, you had lots of friends and hobbies and went out and did stuff on the weekends? You can actually ruin your marriage by giving up all those things. Think about it. Your spouse fell madly in love with the person who dabbled in amateur photography and had weekly poker parties, not a person who mopes around the house all day with nothing interesting to say.

Feel free to give up single-people activities like binge drinking at the 5:00 a.m. bar, but don't stop writing that romance novel or building robots in your garage. The more stuff you both do together and separately, the more you'll bring to the marriage in terms of conversation and activity ideas.

How to Ruin Your Marriage #4: Call me a liar, I dare you.

While cheating is an obvious deal-breaker for many marriages, constantly accusing your spouse of cheating can also ruin a marriage. No one wants to hear, "Where were you last night?" or "How come it took you over an hour to go to the store?" all the time. Not only is it annoying, but marriage is supposed to be about trust.

If your marriage has no prior history of infidelity, accusing your spouse of cheating can actually steer him in that direction. Here's some food for thought: When I was a teenager, a friend's mother accused me of peeing in her decorative pond. I did not pee in this woman's pond, and it had never occurred to me that peeing in her pond was a thing I might do. But after taking the brunt of her wrath, I had the strangest urge to pee in her pond. Not only did she put the idea in my head, but I wanted to carry out the action because I had already taken the blame for it.

If you're having real trust issues in your marriage or you feel insecure about your spouse's faithfulness, get some professional help either together or separately. Have reasonable conversations in which you express your fears and ask for reassurance. Don't take it out on your spouse in the form of verbal harassment.

How to Ruin Your Marriage #5: What, money doesn't grow on trees?

Nothing ruins a marriage faster than a money issue. When one spouse spends money irresponsibly or spends a large chunk of money before consulting the other, the results can be disastrous. You're married, so act like it!

If you have to shop compulsively, set aside a certain amount of your income for "fun" purchases. That way, your spouse won't feel like you're robbing the joint checking account and jeopardizing the mortgage payment to buy seven new pairs of shoes. If you want to buy something really big, include your spouse in the decision-making process. Nothing hurts your sense of stability in a marriage like hearing, "Honey, I bought a boat today!"