Tips for Saving a Troubled Marriage

The first step in saving a troubled marriage is for both parties to recognize there is a problem to begin with. Denial is the death knell for any relationship, but especially so in marriage. Being in a marriage is being part of an enduring, binding partnership. Like any partnership, it can quickly dissolve before your very eyes if problems are not addressed immediately after they surface.

Many marriages end because issues are not brought to light early on which causes resentment to fester between partners until eventually there is only a shell of the former relationship as it is consumed with past transgressions and emotional scars. If your relationship is nearing this point, it is a good time to sit back and seriously think about what the underlying problems are. Are you really so fed up with him not putting down the toilet seat that you are willing to leave him? Is he really so overwhelmed by financial burden that he wants a divorce to be rid of the problem? What are the real issues here?

Once you've realized there are issues that could dissolve your marriage, the next step is to do something about it. You must first voice your concern to your partner. Sit down with them and speak frankly about your concerns. If it is a problem for you it is a problem for them. Try to maintain an open ended dialog about the issues rather than playing the blame game and simply accusing your partner of causing the problems. Remember, you are not blameless either, chances are, if you are feeling this way so is your partner. Take your time about it, try to focus on pinpointing the specific problems that need to be worked on.

One good exercise is for both of you to take a few minutes to make a list of your ideas of what the pros and cons of your marriage relationship are. Compare the list in a polite and honest way. Don't trivialize anything on your partner lists. This will help you both realize where you stand on how you feel your marriage is going. Focus on the pros. The more you believe in common together, the more that bonds you together. Make a detailed plan on how to work on the cons. This may take a while. Listen to what each other has to say about these issues. It could be a simple request for one of you to share more of the housework. Work on the little issues first while keeping in mind the long range goals of correcting the more difficult issues. If necessary seek the aid of a marriage counselor. This could be a church member or a licensed professional. It is important that you both agree on who should see you as a couple.

Don't dwell on tiny issues like not leaving your socks laying around or putting your coffee cup in the sink when you are done with it. These are not the problem. Maybe the more intense problem is that you don't like your partners housekeeping style. Compromise, if you do this, they will do that etc.

Spend more time on each other than on yourselves. Many divorcees will tell you that one major problem in their marriage was selfishness, whether it be from themselves or their partners. Give in once in a while and watch a rented movie together rather than go out with your friends. Try to spend private time together with no interruptions. Don't talk about work or the kids or bills. Talk about what you like about each other, what made you want to be with each other to begin with. Try to remind yourselves why you started this venture to begin with.

Take an interest in each others activities. You don't have to like exactly the same things, but people love sharing their passions with their loved ones. Even if you don't like football or Broadway musicals, at least allow them to show you why they do. Remember your common interests and enjoy them together. Talk about your goals for the future and your dreams and hopes.

Respect each other at all times. When you feel the urge to scream at your partner, take a time out, tell them you need some quiet time and take a walk around the yard. When your partner decides to take a time out, let them. They will come back to you when they are ready to talk. Try not to get hot headed when you have a disagreement. Instead of arguing, have a reasonable debate. While you may not persuade your significant other to your point of view, at least you each understand one another's feelings on the issue.

Set clear guidelines for what you want to do and how you want to be as a couple. If you both agree that one of you should stay home, discuss what part of the household responsibility should belong to whom. Agreeing on whom should do what goes a long way to avoid an argument later on. Misunderstandings can be easily avoided when both partners understand what the expectations are that they both have. If one of you has taken on too much, say so. Work out a way to compromise so that you both are comfortable in your roles as partners.

Let go of your control once in a while. You don't have to be rigid in your partnership. In a partnership, no one person is in control, thats called a dictatorship. Marriage is more of a democracy. If you both have very strong views about an issue, sometimes deciding who will make the final decision about it helps. But this swings both ways. Let her have the final say on some issues, and him on others, and still others agree that you both have to reach the same decision before action is taken on an issue. For instance, if one of you controls the money, agree on how it is to be spent. For big purchases, there should be mutual agreement, for smaller purchases, give an allotment for each person to spend on certain items with no interference from the other. This is just one example, compromise however makes your relationship work best for you and your partner.

Speak openly to each other and debate life altering choices. You may be up for a great promotion that will transfer you to a city 100 miles away and be ecstatic about it, your partner on the other hand may not want to move so far away and may not feel they can cope with your new promotion and its expectations. What good is a 7 figure income if the person you want to share it with won't be there?

Lastly, love each other, and forgive each other, always. Love is a driving force beyond belief. It can overcome any obstacle if it is strong enough. Forgive each other when you make mistakes, after all we are all human.