Tips for Setting Boundaries with a Step Child

Because stepchildren are not your biological children and you may not have had the opportunity to raise the children from the time they were born setting boundaries with them can be challenging. To help understand what are common mistakes a stepparent makes when setting boundaries with a stepchild and for tips on setting boundaries with a stepchild, I have interviewed psychotherapist Joshua Nichols, MS, LMFT.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a Licensed Marital & Family Therapist (LMFT) in private practice in NW OKC. I have a passion for helping build and strengthen marital and parent-child relationships as well as helping individuals with personal growth. Before going into private practice, I served as a therapist at a youth and family agency, where I worked with adolescents and their families. During this time, I was heavily involved in working with parents through parenting classes and family therapy. I have also worked with several couples in the context of premarital and marital therapy covering a variety of issues including communication, sexuality & intimacy, and infidelity. I can be contacted through my website www.AOFCLLC.com ."

What are common mistakes a stepparent makes when setting boundaries with a stepchild?
"The most common mistake that I see is when stepparents join the family and automatically take on a role of being someone in a position of authority over their stepchildren. You might think of it as the role a parent plays in a traditional two-parent family. This is usually an effective and necessary approach when parenting children of a very young age (1 to 3 yrs old). However, as a stepparent, when you join a family with children of an older age, an entirely new perspective is mandatory. In this situation, stepparents need to assume more of an accommodating role. They need to understand that although the title of 'stepparent' is automatic, being a parent to stepchildren is NOT automatic. This role has to be earned; and only the children can decide if you've earned that privilege. A stepparent must try to understand the world of a stepchild. They need to sympathize with how hard it must be to see their mother and/or father with another spouse that is not their biological parent. They need to understand the fears they possess when a new parent figure, whom they often no very little about, comes into the family.

Another common mistake is when stepparents take 'button pushing' personal. Pushing buttons is just another form of testing boundaries, which is a natural component of being a child. In fact, I would worry more about stepchildren that didn't press the buttons of their stepparents. It would be irresponsible for a child to blindly accept a stepparent in their home. Children press buttons as a way of testing parents. If a parent handles the test maturely, like an adult should, then they have passed the test and, therefore, they have earned more trust and respect from their stepchildren. On the other hand, if a parent takes the test personally, they will often negatively react to their emotions which results in damaging an already volatile (step)parent-(step)child relationship.

While some parents make the common mistake of overexerting themselves in a parenting role with their stepchildren, other stepparents make the mistake of being completely disengaged. These stepparents might think that they are doing their stepchildren a favor because, from their perspective, if they don't assume any parenting role at all, then they don't run the risk of overstepping their boundaries. However, once someone becomes a stepparent, they join the family system whether they like it or not; thus, they carry some level of influence. Taking on a disengaged parenting role may send a negative message to the children involved. This style of step parenting may cause children to question their own self-worth."

What type of impact can those mistakes have on the stepparent stepchild relationship?
"I think that children who have stepparents that over exert themselves in the parenting role often feel disrespected and undermined. Stepchildren with disengaged stepparents often feel unimportant and not good enough. Both situations result in an unstable and volatile stepparent-stepchild relationship."

What are some tips for setting boundaries with a stepchild?
"When setting boundaries with stepchildren, stepparents need to differentiate between two components of parenting.

1. Structural aspects of parenting. When dealing with the typical structural aspects of parenting (e.g., rules/expectations, responsibilities, and consequences), stepparents really need to defer to the biological parent. As a cohesive unit, stepparent and biological parent should discuss the issues that need to be addressed. However, the stepparents should take more a supportive role when enforcing the plan, at least in the beginning. As trust begins to build in the stepparent-stepchild relationship, stepparents may be able to function in more of a traditional parenting role. If this happens, then it happens, but it should not be expected, because it may never happen.

2. Personal aspects of parenting. Stepparents are still people and therefore they have personal boundaries. When a stepchild crosses a personal boundary with the stepparent (e.g., name-calling, other disrespectful behavior), then the stepparent should address the issue. However, they should leave any form of discipline to the biological parent. When addressing the issue, stepparents should work hard to be the most mature person in the room. If they become emotionally reactive, then they not only have played right into the hands of the child, but they have also lost even more respect from the child. Thus, staying cool, calm, and collected is very important. The parent then needs to be very clear about the violation. Don't be accusing or insulting, but let them know specifically how their behavior was hurtful toward you. Then communicate to the child that you are available to him/her; and that you are willing to listen if something is bothering him/her, but that kind of behavior is unacceptable. Let the child know that you will not subject yourself such treatment. Let them know that you and their biological parent will be discussing the incident to determine further consequences, which will be enforced by the biological parent. The stepparent should allow enough time to pass before having this conversation so that emotions have time to subside and rational thinking is able to take its place. The stepparent should act with the highest level of integrity."

What type of professional help is available for a stepparent that is having a difficult time setting boundaries with a stepchild?
"Blended or stepfamilies that are having a hard to adjusting and setting boundaries should consider family therapy. A family therapist can help stepfamilies make the necessary changes so that they can function effectively as a family unit.

Self-help and online resources can provide further insight into the problems that often plague stepfamilies; and they may also offer suggestions to help stepfamilies make adjustments and/or changes. Successful Stepfamilies ( www.successfulstepfamilies.com ) is a great online resource.

Stepfamilies can also utilize local resources. Blended & Bonded ( http://www.facebook.com/BlendedNBonded ) is a non-profit organization local to Oklahoma City that functions to serve blended and stepfamilies."

Thank you Joshua for doing the interview on tips for setting boundaries with stepchildren.

Recommended Readings:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5673278/divorced_couples_and_successful_shared.html?cat=25">Divorced Couples and Successful Shared Parenting

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5677928/how_to_stay_happily_married_with_children.html?cat=72">How to Stay Happily Married with Children

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5690058/how_to_manage_your_anger_with_your.html?cat=5">How to Manage Your Anger with Your Children