Tips for Step-Parents: One Step-Mother's Experiences in Bonding with Her Step-Kids

I've been a step-parent for five years. Parenting always has its ups and downs, and I think it's even tougher for a step-parent. I'm happy to report that I have a very happy, loving relationship with my two step-kids - but it hasn't always been this way. Five years ago, I was presented with two insecure, unhappy children who threw tantrums and didn't even speak my language - my husband is Peruvian, and the boys spoke no English. So, how did we get from that inauspicious beginning to the happy state we find ourselves in now? Let me tell you about some parenting tips I've used.

Bonding

When I first met my step kids, they were 5 and 7 years old. I knew the most important thing was going to be building a bond with them that was more than just me being 'Daddy's wife'. So, I started building routines. Every morning, I sat with them for breakfast. Every afternoon, I picked them up from school, and helped them with their homework. Every evening, I read them a bed time story. That one-on-one time was extremely important for me, and was a great help in building a bond between the children and me. I also went to sessions with a counselor from their school- with the boys, with my husband, and alone. With the help of the school counselor, we let the boys know that parents aren't just the people who give birth to you, they're the people who love you and help care for you. I made sure the boys understood that I was never going to try and take their mother's place - but that I would always care for them as my children and that they could always count on me as a parent. I think the fact that I grew up with step parents myself helped me to understand the kinds of concerns the boys would have, and my own experiences growing up gave me guidance in dealing with those concerns.

Discipline

Because my husband works full time, most of the chores of child care fall to me. Unfortunately, that also means most of the discipline. It would have been easy for me to turn into 'the wicked stepmother' who did all the punishing. We managed to avoid this by making sure that rules were clear, easy to understand, and that consequences were known ahead of time. My husband, his ex-wife and I discussed the rules, to make sure we kept them as consistent as possible in both houses. Sometimes their mother isn't as strict as I am, and that's ok. I let the boys know that in her house, they have to follow her rules, but at home, our rules go. It's important for the children that all their parents provide a united front.

Outside Help

We did go to family counseling for a while, and more than anything, it helped us resolve our differences in parenting styles, which were actually cultural in nature. Latin households have a different way of raising children, and that was at times difficult for me to adjust to, as it was difficult for my husband's family to adjust to my more disciplined style of parenting. If you're having problems, don't hesitate to speak with a therapist. There is an abundance of books written on the subject, I recommend 7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild by Ph.D. Suzen J. Ziegahn. There are websites available also, such as StepTalk.org, or BellaOnline's Stepparenting Help where step parents can talk about problems and get information. Make use of friends who will listen to you vent if needed. If your step kids have been driving you crazy - you don't have to suffer in silence - there is help available.