Tips for Stopping an Affair

Are you having an affair and would like to stop it but are unsure how? To help understand the type of impact an affair can have on your marriage and what you can do to stop having an affair, I have interviewed psychotherapist Paula Levy.

Tell me a little bit about yourself. I am a Marriage & Family Therapist with a private practice in Westport, CT and Ridgefield, CT. I have extensive experience working with couples who have been rocked by infidelity. Saving a marriage after an affair is not easy. First, we need to address the shock, anger and frustration caused by this crisis. Next, we work to heal the wounds and rebuild trust. It's important that I address the pain experienced by the victim spouse as well as the guilt of the cheater spouse. I give families hope and help through this difficult process. I have a Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy from Fairfield University. I have led groups for individuals impacted by infidelity and have lectured on this topic.

What type of impact can an affair have on a marriage? Affairs can devastate a marriage. Infidelity undermines trust, which is the basis for the marital relationship. The "happily ever after" dreams are destroyed. The world is no longer a secure place. There is an immense sense of being all alone and out of control. The victim spouse can't lean on her mate during this crisis since the spouse is the cause of this stressful situation.

In most cases, couples decide to remain married after an affair. However, there can be very little closeness or intimacy in the relationship. Mistrust, disappointment and sadness permeate the couple's interactions. However, many couples use the infidelity as a catalyst to examine their marriage and to address the underlying issues that led to the affair. These couples can experience better communication, more intimacy and increased passion after the affair. But, without doing marital therapy to address these issues, the marriage will flounder. Trust can only be restored if the victim spouse believes that the underlying causes of the affair have been addressed. If these issues are not addressed, there is a high probability that another affair will happen in the future.

How can the person having the affair end it? If the cheating spouse wants to end the affair he should take that action in front of his spouse. The cheating spouse can contact the person he has cheated with and definitively end the relationship. This can give some comfort to the victim spouse and begin the healing process. There should be no further communication between the cheater and the person who cheated with him. The cheating spouse should do whatever can help him maintain that distance including changing phone numbers or email addresses.

Should the person who had the affair be honest with the person they have a committed relationship with? There are a number of factors that determine the best course of action in these cases. If this was a short term affair and the cheater has ended it, it may be best not to disclose the infidelity to his spouse. The revelation will cause enormous grief for the injured partner. A good question to ask is, "Am I revealing this affair to help our marriage or to make me feel better?" If the cheater is motivated to relieve his guilt it may be better to begin individual counseling to help understand the reasons for the indiscretion and to make changes needed to avoid a re-occurrence. A long term affair may need to be disclosed so that the injured spouse is aware of the deep problems within the marriage and she can work with her spouse to address these issues.

In some cases, the cheater feels the need to disclose the affair because he is tired of his dishonesty and wants to end that behavior. Whatever the reason, the cheater should be prepared to support his partner through a very difficult period.

If so, how should they explain what has happened? I have worked with many couples who have been impacted by an affair. The victim spouse struggles to understand how this could happen. Even the cheating partner cannot understand his behavior. There are no easy answers. In most cases, the couple will need several sessions of marital therapy with a therapist experienced in working in the infidelity area. Only then can they begin to understand the underlying causes of the affair and begin to repair the marriage. More importantly, the couple can decide what changes need to be made so that another affair is unlikely.

What last advice do you have for the person who engaged in the affair? Be there for your spouse. Try to stay closer to her. Avoid situations that will cause her stress including unnecessary travel, late nights at work or events with single friends. Be transparent in what you do. Don't hide your phone or close your computer as she approaches. Answer your partner's questions to the best of your ability. Your patience and understanding can reduce her anxiety. Be honest. This is huge. You don't need to give all of the details but do tell her what has happened. If she finds out later that you have concealed things from her your relationship may never heal from the repeated dishonesty. Let your spouse know that she is the most important person in the world to you. Promise to work on rebuilding your relationship no matter what it takes. Do the little things that say "I love you". Let your spouse decide how long she needs to heal. Believe in your marriage and know that you can survive an affair and grow stronger. Thank you Paula for doing the interview on how to stop an affair. For more information on Paula Levy or her work you can check out her website on www.couplestherapyct.com.